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Dear Annie: After more than 40 years of devotion to my husband, I have finally realized what a stonehearted jerk he is. I have done everything in my power to love, respect and encourage him. But I've fallen into a pattern of picking up the pieces of …Read more.
Envying the Enabled
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Our brother, …Read more.
Kelsey Mately
Dear Annie: My husband's sister "Kelsey" filed for divorce a few months ago. Her soon-to-be ex-husband kept in touch. He told me that Kelsey had been cheating on him with the guy she is currently seeing. I didn't want to believe him, but …Read more.
His Problem Goes Way Beyond Age
Dear Annie: Five months ago, I met "Abby" at my job. We have a lot in common and have become close. We flirt with each other. Here's the problem. Abby is 41, and I am 20. She looks and acts much younger.
Abby is in a terrible relationship …Read more.
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Whitewashed from the Family Photos
Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for 30 years. She has a son from her first marriage who lives in another state. We haven't been to "Keith's" house in four years because my wife has some health problems that keep her from traveling. Her relationship with Keith has always been turbulent.
Keith and his wife are in the process of adopting a child from another country. They put together a booklet of family photos to present to the family that is currently raising the baby. When they showed us the booklet, we noticed that her daughter-in-law's family is well represented, and so is my wife's ex, but she and I are not in it at all. (We also are not in any of the pictures displayed around their home.)
My wife is trying not to let this upset her, but I think they should know how much this hurt her. I don't want to jeopardize an already fragile relationship. What should I do? — Left Out
Dear Left Out: The purposeful exclusion of your photos from both the booklet and the family home indicates that Keith is well aware of what he is doing. Decide what you hope to accomplish by talking to him. Would he be sorry for the hurt feelings? Would your daughter-in-law support your position? Please let your wife handle this. Be supportive of her, let her know how much you love and value her, and suggest she get some counseling to help her focus on better ways to deal with Keith.
Dear Annie: My friend and I like the same guy. She's having a party, and "Mike" is on the guest list. The party is a formal dance, and Mike has been dropping hints that he'd like me to be his date to the party.
As much as I would love to go with him, I don't know if I should. I don't want to ruin a friendship. But I also don't want him to think I'm not interested. I really like this guy. What should I do? — Confused Crush
Dear Confused: This is one of those situations in which, no matter what you do, someone will be unhappy. The fact that your friend has a crush on the same guy doesn't mean he is interested in her, and your social life should not revolve around her preferences. If the situation were reversed, would she bow out for your sake? Would you want her to? You could tell Mike you're going to the party anyway, and an official "date" is unnecessary. But it's best to be honest and not date Mike behind your friend's back.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "California," who was upset because her husband destroys her cookware.
My husband and I have been married almost 50 years. He spent 22 years in the military as a chaplain. He promised that when he retired, he would do the cooking. (His experience consisted of using his Army field hat to cook C-rations.)
He now cooks, vacuums and sometimes does the laundry. And yes, he has broken dishes, and on occasion, the food he makes is not palatable. Sometimes he ruins the laundry. But I praise God that I have a husband who is so loving and caring and willing to do these things. Together we laugh it off, and I say, "I needed some pink panties" or "We could use some new dishes." He's 73 with kidney disease, and I might not have him much longer.
So, "California," be thankful your husband wants to cook for you. He does it because he loves you. Dishes and pans are easily replaced, but a good husband is a jewel to be kept. — Wouldn't Trade Mine in Pennsylvania
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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43 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1-
The Annies had me until they started about counselling. I fail to appreciate what a therapist can do for the LW seeing that it's her son, not her, who apparently has issues?
THis being stated, I agree that a cost-benefit analysis ought to be conducted on the relevance of a confrontation on the subject, Given that yes, he more than likely is very aware of what he's doing and that this is deliberate, pointing how hurt you are is not going to accomplish anything except perhaps a permanent estrangement. And this is her battle, not yours. You're only there in a supporting role. Get your Oscar for that and otherwise stay out of it.
LW2-
You don't want to rebuff the guy because you're interested, you don't want to hurt or anger your friend because you like her, but on the other hand, she is not your lord and master for you to kowtow to her every want and need.
I suggest you level with the guy and explain the situation to him exactly. This way he can be neutral to you at the party, and take you out on a date AFTER that.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 20, 2012 9:17 PM
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LW1 - I wonder if it is possible that they simply don't have photos of you and your wife. Not having seen them in four years I can't imagine there have been many picture-taking opportunities. If you believe that it is an intentional snub, put together an envelope of photos with you and your wife in them (together with other family as well), and send it to them with a note saying you are so excited for them, but were sad to notice there was not any photos of you in the album, so here are some photos.
LW2 - I don't think the Annies quite understand what a formal dance is... Anyway, LW2, the Annies did make a good point although I'm not sure if that was their intention, when they asked "If the situation were reversed, would she bow out for your sake? Would you want her to?" - How good a friend is your friend? Are you willing to loose her because you pursued him? Are you willing to miss out on him because you were faithful to her? Only you can decide that. I have always felt that friends are more important than crushes, but there's no reason you can't be honest with her, say you feel like you're getting vibes from Mike, and would she mind if you went on a date. You can't BOTH have him, so either one of you has to accept that the other will, or you both have to give up the opportunity to date him. And you don't even really know if he's interested in either of you.
LW3 - I get so annoyed by this type of letter, implying that you can't simultaneously love and appreciate someone, while also wanting them to change a dumb behaviour. I'm sure the original wife in question loves her husband and would rather have him and all his flaws than not at all, but that doesn't mean she has to enjoy the fact that he scrapes her teflon and melts plastic bowls in the oven. And I'd also want my husband to tell ME if I'm doing something utterly ridiculous and stupid rather than put up with it because he loves me. You can love someone dearly but also get annoyed at things they do. It's how you work through it, pick your battles, and make up after arguing about petty things that matter.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Zoe
Mon Feb 20, 2012 9:25 PM
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Re: C Meier RE #28
Left you answer for your question on Monday column.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Feb 20, 2012 9:31 PM
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LW 3: The forgive and forget method? So if he loves you and you love him then you forgive what ever?
So according to a rash of letters that arrive at this post, when abuse comes into play, the wife gets beaten but the hubby always says he loves her? So she should not do anything about this situation?? I know it is a broad spectrum leap, but it is the same. If the guy were a butt scratcher at the table, would you still let him HAND you the piece of bread? Same thing with burning my good cookware, tupperware, etc. As I said back then, no more than I would go break the fish poles in the garage cause he keeps catching the wrong fish. Some things can be fixed--like DON'T BURN MY COOKWARE, where what ever fish jumps the pole--as long as it is legal, he can do with as he wants.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Feb 20, 2012 9:38 PM
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LW1: The son obviously only included those he felt were in his family circle - you and your wife aren't so boo hoo. Blood may be thicker than water but its not a bonding agent. You don't write as if you have a relationship with her son and you admit your wife's relationship with him is not good so what do you expect? I find it odd that you both seem to think appearances are more important than reality but I guess that explains the crappy relationship with the son.
LW2: You need to have a talk with your friend. You need to have a policy in place when something like this happens. If you don't than this friendship isn't going to last anyway.
LW3: Can't he care enough not ruin the dishes or poison the food? Or is there a limit?
Comment: #5
Posted by: Diana
Mon Feb 20, 2012 9:55 PM
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LW2 -
P.S.: It is entirely possible your friend will sour on you no matter how you do it, once she sees you're the one who won the jackpot at the loto...
Comment: #6
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:04 PM
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If they haven't seen her son in 4 years, how have they seen the book of photos?
When we moved last year my Mom noticed that the picture of her and her husband was not out. I told her I hadn't found it yet. Really I just don't like her husband and didn't want to look at his smug face every day. If the relationship with his mom is rough and they go years at a time without visits (nothing is mentioned that he can't visit them, he just doesn't) they may not be relevant in the booklet. Like not including pictures of your cousin that only shows up to Christmas every few years. Mom just isn't that important. However, if he was a nice person it wouldn't kill them to have a picture of her in there.
Comment: #7
Posted by: MT
Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:50 PM
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I actually AGREE with Diana's advice to LW2 today in her comment #5 -- and without calling the LW any names either! Amazing!!
Comment: #8
Posted by: Kitty
Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:48 AM
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years and years ago, i was asked to the senior prom by a male friend that my best friend had a crush on. i valued her friendship enough to tell my male friend that i couldn't go. he didn't ask my best friend, but someone else, whom he later married...and divorced. a few years later my best friend moved across the country and i never saw her again. i got a job in a store that happened to be next to his mother's house and saw him nearly every day. my point is, you can't always predict how things will turn out.
if it will ease your conscience, ask your friend if it would be a problem if you went with him. but if you do, you need to plan on not going if she says yes. i'd feel happier if the friend wasn't hosting this party. just keep in mind, if you do go, the theme song for this party could end up being 'it's my party and i'll cry if i want to.'
Comment: #9
Posted by: alien07110
Tue Feb 21, 2012 5:05 AM
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Re: Lise Brouillette
Therapy can be a good idea- if the son gets along well with his in-laws and well with his father, who's to say that the bad behavior is his?
One of the most important lessons we can learn, in therapy or elsewhere, is that we only have the power to change ourselves, not other people. Maybe the mom needs to do some serious soul-searching about her own behavior. In the very least, she would need to deal with the fact that her son doesn't want her in his life, apparently.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Jodie
Tue Feb 21, 2012 5:35 AM
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LW1 - Part of me feels that Keith showed that album on purpose, to let her see that there are no pictures of her but there are pictures of her ex. Why else would he show her? Sure, you can confront him and his wife, but what will it accomplish? Probably nothing more than a fight. Support your wife but I wouldn't get involved.
LW2 - Friends and same crushes are always tough. I would talk to your friend and ask her what you two should do if he asks one of you out. See what she says.
If he asks you out and you accept, she will very likely get mad and not talk to you. It comes with the age (I assume you're teenagers). But don't let her dictate your life. If she's really your friend, she'll come around if that happens.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Michelle
Tue Feb 21, 2012 5:42 AM
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LW1...if the son is adopting from a foreign country, perhaps he doesn't want to highlight the fact that his parents are divorced. The booklet is a way to put his best foot forward, and to show himself and his family in an idealized way in order to maximize his chances of being chosen as an adoptive parent. It may have nothing to do with with his relationship or feelings towards his mother. Also, regarding photos in the house...now that I have a digital camera, I rarely print out photos. The only time I put something in a frame is if it is a spectacular photo, a special occassion, or if someone prints out a photo for me . That is why, I have tons of photos of my ex-husband's sister's family - who I am still close to -- becasue she always sends them to me. My own sister's family, I have almost no photos of in my house, but TONS on my computer. I love my sister and her family, but you might not know that from looking on my fridge.
Sorry if this double posts...I'm having extreme difficulty with comments today.
Comment: #12
Posted by: The Other Michelle
Tue Feb 21, 2012 5:50 AM
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@LW1: I think Zoe made a valid point that after 4 years of not seeing each other, the son probably doesn't have many pictures of his mom and her husband. The time to ask the son about it was while he was showing her the album. But since she missed that opportunity, she could mention it now. But, without knowing all the facts, it's hard to understand why she would expect to be in the album when 1. they've always had a turbulent relationship and 2. she and her husband don't visit, and it's an album full of the people who will raise the child.
@LW2: Yuck. That's an icky position to be in. Talk to your friend. I sincerely doubt she'll be ok with you going with him, but at least you'll have talked with her.
@LW3: Dead horse, meet the Annies. Annies meet dead horse. You may commence beating now.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Casey
Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:02 AM
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LW1, if the DIL's family is well represented, I'm going to say that SHE is the one who put the booklet together--not Keith. And she might have left Mom out of the book because she knows that Keith has been really hurt by mom. So if I were LW1 I would contact the DIL and ask her about it--certainly if they were putting a book together and didn't have any current photos, they could have asked for some. I'd tell DIL that I won't tell Mom if the answer is painful, but he would just really like to know the truth. And does that mean that they won't be inviting Mom to any child-related activities, and she is off the hook for birthday and Christmas gifts? You could see why Mom would feel that she's just been disowned, and if they didn't want me in a 'grandma' role, I'd want the truth. It's possible that Keith's dad's new wife is more of a mom to him than his real mom is. I'm not saying the LW should unload on Keith and his wife, but I'd let them know that it was noticed, it was intentional, and it hurt. There's really not much to lose here.
Comment: #14
Posted by: angoradeb
Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:15 AM
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We had a mess of weather go through here yesterday--actual measure was 2.5 inches of snow but it was slippery--many cars creating fender benders, slide in ditches to no traction, etc. Sad to report, the 5 deaths of these 2 accidents happened within 45 miles of here. 4 young women returning to college at NDSU, Fargo ND/Moorhead, MN (twin towns) were all killed. Friends. Of the 3 cars involved, they were the ones killed. All residents from the other side of the state, so they had not encountered the horrible roads till here.
So, since our winter has returned to a snowy normal, people please take a little time to drive safely. The freezing rain/turned to snow is not the same safety we assume when dry pavement has been the norm.
Please say a prayer for these 4 girls families.
(No details released by the MHP on the 2nd accident yet.)
Comment: #15
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:43 AM
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LW1 - Your wife has health problems and can't travel. So, what else has she got or done or not done in this relationship. There are a whole lotta details not being discussed here. Your wife and her son have some issues to iron out. Point her in that direction and then back off.
LW2 - You should take the high road and let Mike know that although you're very flattered you know that your friend has feelings for him too and maybe it would be best if you didn't go as if on a date but rather arrived separately and just see how it goes at the party. While at the party you can let you friend know that you found out Mike has herpes. You can then let Mike know that your friend is pregnant with Josh's baby and plans to blame it on Mike. Then just sit back and watch the fun. Mike will be yours in no time and then you can dump him for Brad because you and Brad are Soul Mates…or you will be as soon as he drops that tramp, Madison. We hate her.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Rick
Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:49 AM
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I just thought of something. I have 5 siblings and numerous nieces/nephews and grand nieces/nephews. We call, email, see each other and have close relationhips even though we're all over the country. Other than school pictures of the kids when they were little I would bet you that I don't have any pictures of these folks in the last 10 years or so. We're just not a picture taking bunch. Not going to lose any sleep over it but are we really weird?..........Don't answer that....... Is it really wierd that we don't have a lot of pictures?
Comment: #17
Posted by: Rick
Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:55 AM
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Too late now, but instead of all the agonizing and soul-searching and hair-tearing over the fact that son and DIL showed them (at what visit, I wonder) the album with no pictures of themselves, they should have responded on the spot - "I see you don't have any pictures of us. Would you like us to have one made and send it to you?" Ball's in their court. Whatever they say, you've got your answer.
Rick, I know that soap opera. Makes me laugh every time. It's called "Teenagers!" Actually, it hasn't been made yet but you and I could write a bangin' script.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Tue Feb 21, 2012 7:15 AM
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LW1 - If one reads the letter, the Mother and step-father hadn't been to the son's house in 4 years. It does not say that they haven't seen eachother in 4 years. It would be interesting to know the cause of the estrangement between Mother and Son. Did Mom leave her son's Dad for the husband of 30 years? Are there step siblings involved in the dynamics? Does the DIL not like Mom? So much can add to family dysfunction that everyone seems to take as normal these days. The option I see is to send a picture of Mom and Step-Dad and ask to have it added. Also make it a point in the future to send “Keith” and his wife pictures of you two and make sure you request pictures of your new Grandchild and take an interest in their life, you have a great opportunity to open some doors.
LW2 - In a couple of years neither of these people could be in your life. However they are there now. See if he'd be intersted in excorting both of you...
LW3- My husband of 34 years is a whiz at household repairs and lawn work (I call him the ("Lawn Ranger") but he does not know how to take care of teflon pans and is challanged when it comes to figuring which fabrics require air dry and cold water. I can live with that though because he has been the best at everything I am the worst at. I'd hate it if he started accusing me of being abusive if I left the hoe out in the garden and it rusted. I'd also hate to have him berate me as being insensitive if I don't use the right saw blade. I'd also be tempted to give up on it all if he called me incompentent if I didn't know all he did. The lady has the right attitude and her happy marriage shows it. You go girl!!!!
Comment: #19
Posted by: commentator
Tue Feb 21, 2012 7:18 AM
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LW2 - I didn't have time to read all of the comments right now, but I think the Annie's missed an important part of the letter. It is THE FRIEND'S PARTY. Not just any party, not a school dance, not a movie - her friends party. Depending on how much she likes the guy, maybe she needs to weigh the that against the possible cost of losing her friend and date him anyway. But, please, please, please - not at the friend's party for a first date.
Comment: #20
Posted by: C Meier
Tue Feb 21, 2012 7:33 AM
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Re: Joyce/MN
That is such a sad situation Joyce. We never stop to think that life can change in a blink of an eye. Kind of makes all of these problems seem petty in comparison. A 23 year old girl died in an accident about a mile from here and I get sad every time I pass that spot.
That said, seems like the theme of the day is hurt feelings...how to mend them, how to prevent them.
LW1-I think these kinds of albums are to acclimate the child to his new home and give him names and pictures of the people he will see on a regular basis. If grandmom hasn't been in 4 years and is unable to travel, why overwhelm him with extraneous pictures? If her feelings are hurt, then she should send a new little album of herself, her husband, their house, their pets, etc. so he will know what to expect if/when he visits their town.
LW2-Yeah, like C Meier said, it's at her house, don't be a jerk. Tel Mr. Hottie that you like him as well, but you can't be his date at this particular function. See what happens after that.
LW3- My dad bleached jeans and dropped china on purpose, just so he'd never have to do chores.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Stephanie
Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:21 AM
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Re: Rick
You have a good point re LW#1. The statement "Her relationship with Keith has always been turbulent" doesn't really tell us much. It's like saying "The lamp got broken" instead of "I broke the lamp", or "He broke the lamp". Not much there in the way of useful facts.
And I am a bit skeptical of the "health problems' that keep her from traveling to see Keith, since there is no additional statement saying something like "But we have often invited him to come see us and he refuses."
So, who knows what happened to cause the problem?
In any event, the fact that she and Keith are not close can't be a surprise to her. If she hasn't seen him in 4 years, what will change after they adopt the child? It's doubtful that she will even be in the child's life, so why should she be in a scrapbook indicating differently? The scrapbook seems to be something to show the family who currently has the child something about the people who will be in the child's life, and it appears the LW's wife isn't among those. She can't/won't go see Keith, and nobody says that Keith is refusing to go see her, so who knows?
Is she upset about not being included in the future child's life, or just mad/embarrassed because she feels snubbed?
Comment: #22
Posted by: jennylee
Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:31 AM
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Zoe,
LW1 did not indicate that he and his wife haven't seen her son in four years, he stated that due to his wife's health issues, she has been unable to travel to visit her son's at his home. I have to assume (right or wrong) that he still visits his mother now and then, how else would he be able to "show the booklet to them", LW did not indicate the son mailed or emailed it to them. To not include her and her husband of course is their choice, however to then show his mother the booklet is down right mean spirited.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Bailey
Tue Feb 21, 2012 9:22 AM
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I don't means to stir the pot here - but how often do you need to tell anyone over the age of 6 not to use metal in teflon? Or not to put plastic in the oven? Unless he has VERY sever learning disabilities he is a thoughtless moron. Do women automaticly know these things, perhaps our brains are wired differently. "Hey Joe, why can't you use these cute plastic bolt when repairing the engine?" "Look how clean I got your golf clubs with steel wool and Ajax." Breaking a dish is quite different than making 17 deep scratches in my new teflon pan. That is just passive/agressive! The same thing with laundry - if he can drive a car with all that entails - a washing machine shoul be a piece of cake.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Penny
Tue Feb 21, 2012 9:23 AM
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LW3 Thank you for your uplifting letter. I love to read letters such as yours as they provide examples of how people should appreciate and treat others. Laughter usually does solve so many problems instead of being a harpy, perfectionist. I wish you and your husband the best.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Mandy
Tue Feb 21, 2012 9:25 AM
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Re: Rick, I agree - never did like that skank Madison!
Comment: #26
Posted by: Penny
Tue Feb 21, 2012 9:35 AM
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Re: Jodie
Of course, but unless the other party is also part of it, the therapist in only getting one side of the story. A competent one (not all are) will see through the smokescreen in time, but it's more time-consuming.
But I guess the real point I'm trying to make is that I find it funny that, all of a sudden they would go back to their pat answer, when other letters where the need was screaming - zilch. Everything opposite of commong sense all the time.
@The Other Michelle
That is possible, but if that be the case, a considerate person would explain this so that the mother not be hurt.
@Casey
re LW3 - LOL!
@C Meier
Good point.
@Stehanie
"My dad bleached jeans and dropped china on purpose, just so he'd never have to do chores. "
That's called behaving like an obnoxious, selfish brat. I had a live-in boyfriend (Mister Crazy Singer) who was doing that. Not for long, as I knew he was doing it on purpose and very quickly grew resentful and used. Among numerous other problems that he had, some of them a lot worse than that, as aggravating as it may be.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:01 AM
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I have some advice for you, Lise Brouillette: stop collecting welfare and GET A JOB.
Comment: #28
Posted by: John Dung
Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:23 AM
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LW1: Yes, the snub is deliberate, and the LW and his wife know precisely why they are being snubbed, even if the LW and his wife disagree with the interpretation of whatever happened to estrange his wife and her son.
In other words, LW's wife doesn't think whatever she has done is all that bad OR that the son is the one with the real problem; son disagrees with this interpretation.
So, they know it hurt her. It wasn't their primary intent, but they likely did know how your wife would feel, and that's probably why she was able to see the photos in the first place. (It would have been easy enough to ensure that your wife never saw the album, since they haven't seen each other in 4 years).
You want to defend your wife, and you want to stop her from feeling hurt. That's understandable, but this is a situation where you have very little power to change things.
If you take some time to try to understand the situation from the son's point of view, you may have an opportunity to effect a truce; however, if there is a major misunderstanding that neither your wife nor her son is willing to budge on, then this is likely to be the status quo for now and the future.
It may also help if you consider the possibility that your wife's interpretation of the turbulent relationship with her son isn't gospel truth -- everyone sees their own "side' as the right one, and that may be preventing her from apologizing for something she really ought to apologize for.
All of the above is speculation, of course, because your letter gives us no details about the root cause(es) of the problem between your wife and her son. But I find it rather unlikely that (a) the son didn't know how the mother would take this; (b) your telling the son that he hurt his mother's feelings will do any good; (c) your wife doesn't, deep down, know why her son feels this way about her.
Support your wife, of course, but don't play intermediary unless you can truly see and understand both sides of the conflict equally. Otherwise her son will always see you as simply being on "her side".
Comment: #29
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:41 AM
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Re: John Dung--Give it up, Charlie Brown. The little red-haired girl is never going to look at you, you poor thing.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Tue Feb 21, 2012 11:17 AM
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I don't quite understand the attitude I see here towards LW1's wife that was best stated by Diana as "boo-hoo for you." When there are family issues that cause estrangement or being left out, that hurts...a lot! It doesn't matter if one or both sides contributed to the problems, it still hurts.
I think I can relate to the hurt the mother is feeling, though I have only encountered it in reverse - as an adult I met some people that go to church with my dad - they had NO idea that he had two adult daughters. We don't have a close relationship, but it still stings to this day. Have some compassion, folks. Geez.
As for LW2 - I can only hope that this girl is in high school. It's possible though that she is hanging out with a former friend of mine (who is in her 30's) and thinks that she can still call "dibs" on a(all?) cute guys and everyone had to keep away from him. Funny though, she never respected anyone else's dibs.
I think that this LW needs to tell her friend that she's been asked out and hopefully her friend is happy for her. I have never understood the concept that a guy is off limits simply because more than one person has a crush on him. And quite frankly, if a friend prefers that you both do without rather than one (read, not her) person be happy I just really don't think that's a very good or generous friend.
Comment: #31
Posted by: kristen
Tue Feb 21, 2012 11:46 AM
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re LW2 - When I was in 10th grade my best friend and I liked the same guy. I went to school with him and hung out with him every day. I knew his locker combination and often wore his jacket around school. But, because she liked him, I never talked to him about my feelings. She did not extend me the same courtesy. They dated for a couple of months and my feelings were hurt, but we all stayed friends. Now, she and I are still best friends. He married someone else and we both like his wife. Life goes on. Be honest with your friend and then follow your heart. If she is really a friend, she will remain one. If she isn't, she won't.
Comment: #32
Posted by: sharnee
Tue Feb 21, 2012 11:53 AM
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@kristen, I agree, family estrangement *can* hurt, especially if it's a mutual problem OR if the mother here had little to do with the problem.
I suspect that there's a possibility that the "boo hoo for you" attitude comes from the feeling that the mother may have been the reason for the estrangement -- in other words, "you reap what you sow".
So hard to tell, given the LW's obvious belief in his wife's side of things. She could indeed be the innocent in this.
But if she's not, then I think you can see where the less sympathetic seeming comments are coming from.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:08 PM
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LW3 / Joyce / Zoe - you're equating a husband who is truly trying to do something good (but making mistakes) with abuse and generally acting boneheaded? Of course you can lovingly steering him in the right direction, as opposed to yelling about your precious cookware.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Steve C
Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:37 PM
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There may not even be a big drama behind the lack of pictures. In many families there's one side they associate with more than the other simply because of activities they like or how they get on. I really love my ILs but truth is I prefer one set (his paternal side) over the other (his mother's). Things are just easier with his dad's side. We get on better, have similar interests, have more fun. His mom's side god it's a constant guilt trip from the moment we get there, they're very "old" (think lots of sitting around with lace and doilies, not so fun with toddlers now is it?) and EVERYTHING is perceived as some sort of slight on them. Now we do love them so we go to see them (they don't come see us) but while I can put together many scrapbooks of pictures of us snowboarding, boating, swimming, playing baseball, and camping with the paternal side, I don't think I could find 3 pictures of my maternal side ILs. In fact I'm not sure I could find one. And as our visits with them consist of nothing other than sitting around, watching television, and eating, I can't see why I would take a picture or include it in a book.
Oh and my MIL finds this super offensive so I we simply don't discuss how often we see the other side or what we do. It makes it very awkward when she asks what we're doing this weekend and we don't want to say because it results in a guilt trip. Note she's not asking to make plans with us, she's asking out of curiousity.
Comment: #35
Posted by: wkh
Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:42 PM
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Steve C you seem to be missing that the wives in these cases told their idiot husbands many, many times, and the husbands acted indignant they weren't kissing his ass because he TRIED and was making effort. When it was suggested his efforts weren't appreciated, he pouted. When it was pointed out he was more than welcome to cook if he used the tools properly, he pouted or said the wife was being ridiculous.
BTW this is not a gender issue. I have a few friends married to men who are total foodies and they don't even bother trying to cook since he's such a princess about his cookware. But they also don't act like it's unreasonable to use tools correctly and not cause them damage.
Comment: #36
Posted by: wkh
Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:46 PM
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LW1--"When they showed us the booklet, we noticed that her daughter-in-law's family is well represented, and so is my wife's ex, but she and I are not in it at all." I have to wonder why they showed you and your wife the booklet at all. My guess is that they were purposely trying to pass along a not-so-subtle, passive aggressive message. And it seems you got the picture (pun intended.) My advice is to absolutely not to talk to 'Keith' or his wife about the booklet because at the very least that will give them every bit the satisfaction they're looking for and at worse they will play the victim and use your "confrontation" as an excuse to create a rift and then possibly keep your wife from the grandchild. I would simply smile graciously, comment on how photogenic everyone is and when the grandchild comes into the picture, you and your wife can present your very own photo album to the child which will itself be a meaningful gesture.
LW2--"I really like this guy. What should I do?" If you really like the guy and he's shown an interest in you but not your friend, then definitely go out with him. I would, however, choose a different venue for your date than your best friend's party. Explain this to the guy when you accept his invitation to a date and if he's any sort of gentlemen then he'll agree with you a hundred percent and agree to see you formally elsewhere. Then attend your friend's party with a light heart and have fun!
Comment: #37
Posted by: Chris
Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:24 PM
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@John Dung - (#28);
Oh John, John, John, you cute little lovesick puppy, you. When are you going to understand that your attraction to Lise will not be fulfilled this way? I know the thought of her has your blood and hormones racing, which has your thinking all messed up, but you need to act more rationally. Just tell Lise how much your love and adore her and you might get a genuine response. Otherwise, I'm afraid Joannakathryn (#30) is right. You will be Charlie Brown chasing after the little red-haired girl without any results. Good luck, you cute little lovesick puppy, you.
Comment: #38
Posted by: AWC
Tue Feb 21, 2012 3:12 PM
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Re: Steve C, Nice cookware is expensive and used daily. Just as office equipment is expensive and used daily. If he constantly misuses and breaks the copier or computer is he still just trying to do his job and be helpful to his employer?
How long does his boss have to say, "Gee Joe, thanks for trying to be so helpful, I really love that you try." Is it insentative of the tech guy to teach Joe how to use the copier. "Open the top, place the paper here, shut the lid, press the start button." Much more difficult directions than, " Scratch that pan and you're dead meat that I will cook up in my unscratched pan."
"Don't put tuppeware in the oven - told, taught, the end. "Only use wood in my teflon" - told, taught, learned! Come on Steve - my cookware cost more than my computer. Only an idiot would put tupperware in the oven the first time or after recovering from the old pan on the head senario - scratch my best teflon pan a second time.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Penny
Tue Feb 21, 2012 3:47 PM
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Re: Steve C
I quite agree that yelling about the cookware is counter productive and that no pot in the kitchen is worth losing a good husband over. Nobody's perfect. I do like today's LW3 attitude.
But, considering that I can think of a few selected kitchen implements in MY kitchen that I wouldn't want to see wasted as they are my all-time favourites and NOT replaceable, I would do as I suggested in my response to the original LW - Just hide it so that he can't touch it. If I look at my own kitchen, which is suppled with just about every accessory imaginable, as I have been cooking from scratch for over 40 years now, there is very little in there that is not replaceable, so hiding just that wouldn't be that difficult.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Feb 21, 2012 3:58 PM
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Re: AWC
Ble-e-e-eh...
Comment: #41
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Feb 21, 2012 4:01 PM
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Re: Lise Brouillette, nobody said these things were irreplaceable - they are - so are my cars and houses - but that doesn't mean I want to replace them because someone has no respect for my possessions. We aren't talking rocket science here, just respect for what is important to someone you care about.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Penny
Tue Feb 21, 2012 5:09 PM
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Re: Penny
Well, it depends. If it's a matter of disrespect, you're perfectly right and I wouldn't put up with that - but then, chances are that he'll be showing disrespect in other areas as well.
If it's a matter of being clueless and domestically challenged when it comes to kitchen stuff - if it's his only fault, I would take contingency steps to protect against destruction the stuff that can't be replaced *, and the replacement of such would be on HIM - I'll bet he'd start being a little more careful after his idiocy would have cost him a few hundred bucks of HIS play money.
* That would be my special 12-piece set of Governor's stainless steel pots - the best I've ever seen and no longer made. And then, there's my special knife sharpener - with a specific sharpener for every kind of blade in the house in it and it's 60's vintage: unfindable anywhere. Touch them at your gravest peril - I'll be armed and dangerous!
Comment: #43
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:07 PM
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