Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

LW1, Robert has far more money than you think. See a lawyer at once. There is no reason for you to be living on your income alone. If you two file a joint tax return, you can get an idea of what he has in income and in savings. Review the year-end statements, not just the return. Please, please, do this for yourself.

* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *

LW3 refers to the second letter on 24 December 2012.

A Good Man Gone Celibate referred to the final letter on 30 August 2012, which itself referred to the second letter on 31 May 2012, and was also discussed on 18 July 2012. Related letters have been printed on 20 October (a whole column), 6 December (one letter) and 20 December (two letters).

LW1 - Your husband is likely hiding something from you. I know married couples who have seperate finances but they don't hide their checkbooks from their spouse. Him scolding you for buying a coat with your own money was wrong. He tells you to buy your own things with your own money so you do...and then he scolds your for it? Something is definitly up.

My ex tried to control the money, too. I worked full time, just like him, but he scolded me if I bought something for myself while he went out and wasted money on junk. He one time spent $300 on a sword because it "looked cool." Then I spent $5 on a hair product and he screamed at me for days. Come to find out he was giving his lazy, entitled mother A LOT of money behind my back. He didn't want me to see the deductions from the checkbook.
Your husband is either simply controlling the money just for the sake of controlling you or he's hiding something, whether it be a gambling problem, drugs, hookers, etc. I agree with angoradeb and call a lawyer about this.

LW2 - I can't tell by your letter if you just learned that this child is yours of if you knew 6 years ago but said nothing. If you knew 6 years ago, I have no idea why you didn't speak up. Anyway, I, too, think it would be traumatizing to a 6 year old to suddenly learn that another man was their Daddy, especially if she has believed all her life that her father was her Mom's boyfriend. My nephew is 6 and if someone suddenly said to him, "Daddy really isn't your Daddy...this man is," he would likely be very confused and upset. I would talk to a child psycologist first about what you could or should possibly do.

LW3 - Reading letters like these make me so happy I'm single, LOL!

LW1 - absolutely see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. In many states, the money that spouses make belongs to both of them, so Robert's pension & salary belongs to you, too. More importantly, see a lawyer so that you have a nearby advocate. You sound like you need a friend and a backbone, because nobody can control you like this unless you let them. When Robert tells you to watch his spending, you should stand up for yourself.
LW2 - It is not your place to tell a 6 year old child anything, particularly not something that would disrupt her world like this. That is a job for her mother, whom you should be working with to make this announcement as easy and non traumatic as possible for the child. There is more to being a parent than DNA, like putting the child's welfare & feelings ahead of your own. The fact that you contemplate telling the child before telling her apparent father figure says worlds about how whose interests you are putting first. I suggest you get a lawyer, find out whatever rights & responsibilities you will have towards this child, then contact her mother & make a plan about how the 2 of you will break this news to all concerned. If the mom doesn't want anything to do with you, your lawyer can help you resolve that. I personally think you should consider keeping your mouth shut like you did for the last 6 years,but without knowing more about the girl's home situation, it's hard to say what's best for the child.

LW3: I met my wife through an online personals site almost 9 years ago, and we are very happy together. We share many activities together. So, good men and women do find each other sometimes. But I admit, I met a lot of wrong women along the way, just like you're meeting many wrong men.
A real life partner will want ultimately want some level of sex, and finding someone who wants the same level as you is often a tricky one. But also he will want much more. A real life partner is someone who becomes your best friend, and to be best friends you need to have things in common that you can share. Think about it, and write down all the things that you would like to share with your new male best friend. And they need to be things that men like too. Is it sitting and walking on a beach, bike riding, walking, hiking, swimming, watching action movies, watching some sports (good one), fishing, watching some tv shows that men like too, bowling, dancing, playing pool, cooking (I'm sure there are some men who like to cook besides me), etc.? Mention the activities you like in your ads, and that you to meet someone to share them with. Don't expect that you'll find someone that you can share everything with, but hopefully enough things. Also mention if you like good conversation (give and take), or if you are a quiet person. A real life partner will care about listening to you and learning about you, as much as sharing his experiences with you. Men only looking for sex will be turned off, but that weeds them out. I never had any luck with taking classes but some have.
If you want to try something other than the personals, try actually going to a place with one of the activities you want to share. Go bowling with a friend on a Sat. afternoon, or find a local hiking club and go for a hike, or browse around the magazine section of a bookstore where there are men, etc. Or go to a sporting goods dept, and ask a man who's about the right age and with no ring on, for some suggestions about fishing equipment. Men love to show off what they know. If you two click, he may suggest meeting for a cup of coffee, or something. Or you can suggest it, if he seems a little shy. If you don't click, you move on. This will work with many types of activities or interests. Home Depot is full of men too. Use the same approach. Ask for help or advice. It's harmless, and opens doors. This is a hit or miss approach, but it will increase your chances of meeting men, if you get tired of the personals, and tired of sitting home alone with no possibilities.
When the two of you aim for becoming best friends first, and you have at least several favorite things to share, the rest of it follows much easier.
Good luck.

LW3 - One more note....I understand that it must be frustrating to meet someone and they've already got their hoo-ha sticking half way out of their pants. Like Dave said above, a partner will want sex but if they're pushing for it within minutes of meeting you, then they're not interested in *you*...only your nether regions. A guy I once worked with would meet a woman and within 5 minutes (literally!) would ask her if she liked sex and what she enjoyed doing in the bedroom. And then he wondered why women walked away from him and he couldn't get a date.

However, when you put in your profile, "If you can carry a conversation for more than 10 minutes without using sexual innuendos or sending naked pictures, please contact me," you sound angry and standoff-ish. I'm betting that you don't get many replies not because all of the men checking out your profile only want sex but because that statement doesn't come across well. Instead of that, put your activities in there and that you're looking for a nice guy who listens, or something like that.

Re: Michelle

You are so right about LW3. I would never respond to an ad like. At worst I would assume she hated sex, and at best I'd think she was bitter and cranky.

Kind of uninspiring letters today, imho.

LW1, did this situation develop gradually or was it an abrupt change? If it was abrupt, you should have fought back immediately -- now it will be harder to do so. If it happened gradually I can understand not catching the signs until it was too late. Either way, though, you need to remind your husband that marriage is a partnership, and if he doesn't start treating you like an equal partner, you'll spend what little money you have saved on a lawyer to take him to the cleaners, and he'll lose a LOT more money going that route. (On the other hand, why do you want to stay married to a man who treats you so poorly?)

LW2, this is the mom's call, not yours. It may be too soon to introduce this kind of dynamic to the young child's life, especially if the man she thinks of as her father doesn't even know. You are basically asking permission to lob a grenade into this child's family life for what look (from the outside) to be selfish reasons. Is this girl safe, happy, healthy, loved, and supported in her current family? If so, why would you want to mess that up? Go to your daughter's mother, let her know that you do want to be involved in the child's life when *she* thinks the time is right, and then just stay involved on the periphery until the child gets a bit older. Really, really think hard about whether this is about your needs or the child's before you take any steps.

LW3, I have to agree that your online add does sound a bit standoffish, almost like a scolding schoolteacher -- and while some men may be into that, you should probably think of a more fun and flirty way to send the same message.

LW2: I'd go with what Michelle said (contact a psychologist or other expert) and tread real carefully in explaining matters to your daughter.

Then again, how much involvement do you have in your little girl's life? If it is little to none, then I'd suggest asking yourself why you really want to reveal this news.

LW3: I've said I'm not much for dating sites, but I'd suggest to the LW that if all you get are men who are out for S-E-X from the website you're using, then I'd suggest either going to another website (and closing any active profiles on the current site(s) your using) or dating the old-fashioned way – by actually going out and meeting guys.

Even if you have to "go to a different bar" (i.e., look at a different pool of men), then do so.

LW1 -- I agree with the advice you've been given, and I have a couple of questions for you (if you happen to be reading BTL). You say he's been doing this for 10 years -- why has it taken you nearly a decade to do something about this? How long have you two been married? I'm assuming you were married for umpteen years without this type of behavior from him, and then 10 years ago he started doing this. Think back: what happened 10 years ago? What changed? Your answers to these questions likely don't change the advice -- you need to find out what's going on. The Annies seem to think you will have to ask Robert for this information. That is only true if you are not on any of the bank accounts. If any of the accounts are joint, you will be able to get access to them at the bank, and a bank officer can go over the information with you. If, however, all the accounts are in his name only, then you will need to go through Robert to get this information. While you're delving into all this information, you might also want to find what else is or isn't in your name -- the house, the car(s), etc.
Finally, you say you are getting Social Security, and it is this money you use to pay for your clothes, haircuts, etc. I am assuming this either means you get a physical check each month that you go and cash (though my understanding is that Social Security has been trying to get away from issuing physical checks and was working toward a fully-electronic-only system), or you have an account to which you have access into which that money is "wired" from the government. If you are still getting a physical check -- go open an account IN YOUR NAME ONLY and start having those funds deposited directly there. If your Social Security is being "wired" to an account Robert also has access to, open a new account IN YOUR NAME ONLY and have the funds deposited directly there. I am not suggesting this as some tit-for-tat power play -- you're not doing this to get back at your husband, you are doing this FOR YOUR PROTECTION. While it is not at all uncommon to have one spouse in charge of household finances, it is NOT normal for that spouse to be secretive about it. Hard to say whether you just have a control-freak husband who doesn't MEAN any harm (though he is still doing harm, even if he doesn't mean to), or whether you have an abusive husband who is up to no good. Granted, if he has some sort of "end game" he has been very patient -- 10 years is a long time to plan something. Regardless, you need to take steps to protect yourself.

LW1: OK, I'll try this post again, and be more blunt about it.

Look – Robert is an asshole. An A-S-S-H-O-L-E!!!! I'd bet it is much more than just controlling the checkbook, too, that makes him this way. He could give a rat's ass about how it's affecting you. He's doing this because he enjoys it and it gives him that rush of feeling in control, dominating and intimidating and hurting you, all for his sick, sadistic (and dare I say Satanic) pleasure.

So, I'd ask myself LW: "Has he done other things to abuse me? Does he yell at me a lot for things other than finances? Does he put me down and scold me for having fun, all while expecting me to not say a peep when he goes out and has his 'fun'?" Is there physical abuse involved – and no, I don't mean does he hit her, but even if its grabbing a wrist and being too "firm" with his grip, or trying a chicken wing armbar to restrain the wife to "make" her "listen" ... that's also physical abuse.

I just want to know what he's been doing all this time. You don't have to be a fly on the wall to see if he's going out on the town with a girlfriend on the side (and yes, this includes college-aged "hotties" or even a woman who's a bit older), or if he's going out with prostitutes, getting drunk, gambling ... . I presume your name is on a joint checking account, so I'd think you'd be able – maybe with some help from YOUR attorney – to get a statement and then find out just what is going on. (They'd have no choice but to give you the statement, since your name is on the account. After all, I don't think even if he has "influence" in the community he'd be legally able to block your access to your joint account.)

And ask yourself this: When was the last time you had "good times" with Robert?

And then I'd get the hell out, because Robert is that A-S-well, you know the rest and is never going to change. Get an attorney – there are many who would do this pro-bono (i.e., for free) if you can't afford one.

Robert belongs in prison, with his own kind. I think there's plenty of people who would stand up to him and put him in his place. He deserves it.

LW1--I'm sorry but if your husband of 68 years came out of the blue ten years ago expecting you to suddenly pay your own bills and "watch your spending" then I'd bet money that he's hiding something. Maybe it's a gambling addiction, a mistress, a love child or maybe he's just freezing you out to be vindictive. Of course there's always the possibility that he has dementia, low testosterone or is suffering from a higher form of Aspergers. Regardless of the reasons, the Annies are correct in that as an invested married partner for 68 years, you have every right to see the finances and split the bills down the middle. If your husband won't budge, threaten with a divorce that will end with you having half of every asset you two own.

LW2--Oh so a mother is better equipped to inform a six year old of her true parentage but a father isn't? Gee, Annies, way to paint men as little more than Neanderthals with bank accounts. Inform your daughter's mother that you will no longer participate in the lie she's perpetuated about her boyfriend being your daughter's father. Then, leave the ball in her court. If the outcome isn't resolved to your satisfaction within a reasonable amount of time, then it's time for you do have a age-appropriate chat with your daughter about who you really are. Oh, and by the way, if you aren't ponying up some sort of child support in exchange for your cooperation in the aforementioned lie, then you better be prepared to start supporting your daughter if you expect to be a real father.

LW3--That LW was an idiot and doesn't warrant any further commentary.

Re: Chris

Regarding LW2, you are starting to sound like Princess Bride! I do not think the Annies were suggesting that men are incapable of communicating with their children, but in this case the girl's only "true" parent - biological and otherwise - is her mother. And she is the one would, ideally, would broach the subject their the daughter. If the genders were reversed, I do believe that the Annies would have suggested that the father aka the active parent be the one to have the discussion. NOT the step parent, or the bio-parent the kid doesn't even know.

Re: Miss Pasko
You are a godsend! However you do it, my hat is off to you! Thank you for your totally awesome Public Service Announcements.

LW1 -
This is the kind of thing that comes in degrees, and the degree of your particular situation is difficult to assess from what little is in your letter. I would have questions as to your contribution to other household bills, AND his other contributions to the situation.

Does he expect you to pay 50% even though his income will be much higher than yours? Does he pay all the household bills, with your security expected to cover your personal expenses only? Was this secretive and temper tantrums behaviour an abrupt change, or has it become progressively more secretive and controlling over the past ten years? Does he also control your other activities, how and when you can go out and with whom? Has he been physically controlling with you, does he put you down, does he yell at you for other things, does he control who you speak to? And, how is your sex life?

Since none of us here have the answers to these questions, the best would be that you explain the situation to someone to whom you would be giving them, because what you need to do is both proportionate and consequent to the severity of the problem.

In the meantime, if you only have a joint account, open up one in your name only, and have your security check deposited there. You don't want your husband to completely cut off your access to every penny one day, on a day he got up deciding he wants to.

Take an appointment with a family counsellor. There are things that need to be discussed here. If he won't go with you, go alone, and be prepared to answer all the questions I asked and more. Once the situation has been clearly established, the counsellor can help you decide what to do about it, and whether you need an appointment with a lawyer - probably.

The very least you need is to know your financial situation in case your husband suddenly keels over - and that's ANOTHER reason why you need to have your own separate account where your security is deposited: you don't want every penny of the household - including what's personally yours - to be frozen because it's become entangled with an estate.

And one thing is certain, anyone who criticises you for what you do with your own money is being vastly out of line. You do not need anyone's permission to buy yourself a coat.

LW2 -
Let's see now, the little girl doesn't know (and she's only 6 years old, barely more than a toddler), the mother's current boyfriend doesn't know, how did YOU find out? Oh yeah, the DNA test. Is this the do-at-home variety, or was it true-blue scientific and reliable? And how did you come by the raw materials in the first place? I assume the mother knows... at least I hope she does.

This information, right now, will be affecting a lot of people: the little girl of course, but also her stepfather, her mother and their marriage, and possibly also some of the immediate relatives. I'm left questioning your motives about why you want to turn upside down the lives of so many people who have done you no harm, all because you want your name on your property...

And do keep in mind that tagging your accomplishment with your credit also means taking responsibility, which means you would owe child support. Are you prepared to do this, or do you just want the fun times?

I think the first person you should talk to is the mother, and see if she cannot find a way to involve you in the girl's life... That is, IF that's what you want. If what you want is to stir shit, then I feel sorry for whoever has the misfortuine of being involved with you for any reason.

LW3 -
The men *I* used to see on dating sites were the kind who expected me to hop in the sack five minutes after I met them (even though I was registered in the "relationship" category, and not in the "light encounters" one...), or who had the gall to criticise my picture even before they met me, which didn't exactly get them to first base... That is, when the picture they had of themselves on their profile was not 20 years old, or that of their better-looking buddy. So it goes both ways, sirree.

My daughter found her life mate on one of these sites, he's a perfectly fine fellow, and they've been together for many years now. I can only assume there ARE some "normal" men sprinkled in with the countless freaks, or perhaps it's a little better when the woman is younger? I found it so bad that I erased my profile - I have no time to waste with this yurunda. Unless a miracle happens, I expect to be alone for the rest of my life.

LW1, I'm confused. You say your husband controls the money, yet you clearly have access to at least some money. I wish you'd provided more detail. From what I can read, though, it sounds like your husband has significantly more money coming in than you do, but that he is also paying for all the household bills, including food, out of that income. You have a debit card that you can use on that joint account for necessities you buy for the household (e.g. groceries), but he wants you to pay for your personal purchases out of your Social Security income. You don't feel that it's enough and would like to have some more of the income he's bringing in to the joint account to spend, but he has hidden the checkbook from you.
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All that could be bad and abusive...or not...depending on the details which are lacking in your letter. Or maybe I'm just a bit more biased here due to my personal experiences. I hate to pull a Nanchan (no offence, Nanchan), but...
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My father also had a pretty good retirement income from three sources, not to mention investments and savings and a mortgage free home. My parents were definitely comfortable, and my dad had fixed it so they could live out their retirement in relative security with his pensions alone--they didn't even have to spend their investments or savings. All "his" income streams went into a joint account they could both access, but he paid all the bills and made all the investments and savings--not because he was controlling (at least not moneywise) but because my mom couldn't be bothered with "that stuff". When she started to collect her small government pension and old-age security, however, she considered that to be "her" money, and had them directly deposited into an account only she could access. A few years after that, they downsized and netted another half-million from their home.
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My mom went a little crazy after that. She became a shopaholic, buying things she did not need that she would then give away, or spending far more on an item than it was worth. She spent $400 a week at the grocery store for 2 people. Most of it went bad before it could be eaten. Everything she bought had to be top of the line, she bought at least two of everything, and she was fond of saying, "money is no object." Yes, like the LW, she would buy a new coat, and even use "her" money, but it had to be a designer coat and it would cost $900. My Dad started getting very upset at the money she was spending. But my Mom said he was being controlling, because they had lots of money. and, unbelivably, she bragged about how THRIFTY she was. I think at one point he probably did hide the checkbook from her, and he stopped paying for her credit card bills for her. Another big problem was that my mom had no idea how much it cost just to live. It wasn't on her radar that you have to pay for water, heat, taxes, home and car maintenance, insurance, repairs, etc., so she thought they had a lot more disposable income than they did. She thought my dad was just a miser, but by that time he was pretty much incapacitated, so she could spend the money however she pleased. She had all the bills automatically deducted from the bank account and didn't even keep track.
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Fast forward, less than 10 years later, my dad is gone and my mom has NO assets, an apartment she rents, and less than $50K in savings, which she will need to supplement her small income and my dad's reduced pensions for the rest of her life. Somehow, she blew through more than $800,000 in savings and investments in less than 10 years, and that was on TOP off all the money they had coming in from pensions and government and $250K from the sale of their last home, and yet she has not ONE THING to show for it other than the $50K. I have NO IDEA where all the money went.
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So all that to say, maybe I'm a bit wary, and yeah, maybe your husband is abusive, but maybe you're also a little naive about your financial circumstances. Bottomline, you do need to get a mediator and review your books, as it were, so you can both get a clear picture of just how much you do have to spend and still have some to do you in your old age.

LW3, so you complain that a "Good Man" unfairly painted all women with the same brush, and then in the very next breath, you do the same thing to men.

LW1: Lawyer up stat! He's hiding one of two things...or two of two things. One, that he has been stashing cash away and plans to leave you penniless....two, that he is supporting a mistress and plans to leave you penniless. Well, actually there is a third option...that he is slowly losing his mind and losing his money gambling, investing or scams. Lawyer up and remember that that the element of surprise will only benefit you. Stop being a whiny doormat.

Re: Jane

No offense taken. I agree. I'm staying out of this one.

Sounds like it is time to divide up more than just the money. Cooking meals might be a good place to start. Laundry is also right up there. Stop doing anything for him or you could charge for your services. No more Mrs. Nice Gal. I would start by buying yourself a nice lobster and all your husbands favorite sides. Then eat it ALL. Buy your detergent and keep it to yourself. Do only your dishes and pick up only your clothes. Explain that since this no longer a partnership, he on his own. What is to stop you from buying anything you want? His disapproval? Ha, ha, ha. Big purchases do need to be discussed but a new coat doesn't fall into that category.
While you're at it open your own checking account and spend away. Life's too short.

Lise #15 Jane #16, excellent points. I sure did miss the other side of the coin.

Re: Chris (#12)

The LW is 68 years old. We don't know how long they've been married, but this much is for sure: Unless they were in one of those unusual religions where infants are married ... I kinda doubt they've been married for 68 years.

And he'd be in his late 80s or early 90s by now, and I don't think most men who are that old are THAT coarse with their wives (even with dementia and other old-age related disorders in play). Someone who is in their late 60s, which is how old Robert likely is ... certainly.

Re: Penny (#21)

While I agree there "may" be more to the story – i.e., how much does she actually contribute, was she just a housewife all these years, etc. – my reading of this letter was that he is hiding something and he's a loose cannon, and that he's of the "I'm the boss and if you fall out of line, WHAM-O!" (Even though there's no evidence of physical abuse here – thankfully.)

Although what Lise suggests in #15 – his behavior either being recent or a pattern of behavior over the years – would not at all be surprising. In fact, I'd venture to say at least some of the things ARE happening ... and if they've been married for longer than 10 years, the behaviors probably were at least sewn way more than just 10 years ago. Which does beg the question: Was your husband previously married, and under what circumstances did THAT marriage(s) end?

And IF THERE WERE previous marriages and it did not end well for him, he's obviously "learned" something ... how not to make the same mistake again. And the poor LW is his punching bag who pays the price.

So the problem isn't with my online dating profile. I'm just hitting on the wrong women.

Seriously, in LW3's defense, there are a LOT of idiots out there who start conversations with trash-talk. In their defense though, they wouldn't do that if it didn't get them something in return occasionally. LW3 is just setting the record straight up-front that she's not interested in guys like that.

Eventually MikeH and I will agree on something.

Mike, I have been meaning to ask how your dog is? Hope everything turned out for the best.

@gerhardt, "Eventually MikeH and I will agree on something."

I disagree.

:-)

@Penny, thanks for asking. He's still around, and still relatively healthy for his age (15-1/2), but his mobility is continuing to slowly deteriorate. He really can't do stairs at all, either direction, any more, and he even occasionally has trouble standing up straight or getting up from sitting. He doesn't seem to be in any serious pain right now, and there are times when he can trot nearly perfectly, so I don't think we're looking at any imminent problems for the next month or so. And we'll be going back to the vet around the end of April for another check.

I'm just trying to keep him comfortable and happy for as long as I can at this point.

Bobaloo, I'm going to sit on the post on this one. It really could be either way. One things for sure, "Just a housewife" is certainly not an appropriate phrase. I absolutely hate housework! I studied hard, went into a demanding profession and stayed my entire career just to avoid it! I would have LOVED to marry a 'houseperson'. Wouldn't have minded supporting them one bit. To each her own.

LW1- Good advice above, go see a family or financial counselor, then a lawyer, if it comes to that. But if your name is on the account, go to the bank and pay a small fee for a printed out statement. If your name is not on the account, you need to fix that. And you should talk to a family counselor about improving your self esteem- no one should have to 'justify' buying a coat, it sounds like you are careful with money. You are an adult, worthy of respect, and you should not have to justify spending money on normal, routine expenses. If you have been with this man for more than 10 years and he was not like this before, insist that he get a physical exam, and call the doctor ahead of the exam to voice the concern that he is getting demented or something. The doctor can't give you patient info, but you can give him a heads up about your concerns. Stand up to your husband, and put your foot down. If you are not worried that he will get violent, you can let him yell all he wants. Someone has to stand up for you, and that has to be- YOU. Good luck.

More on LW1, as a couple other things occurred to me while I was having my lunch...

1) If she has a debit card (and assuming it is tied to their primary account), she can go to an ATM and check the balance there. Depending on the bank and type of account, she may even be able to check transaction history.

2) Like just about everyone else here, I immediately jumped to "potential abuser" or "potential cheater" or something like that -- and those are definitely still on the table, for sure. But, depending on some of the answers to those questions I asked her earlier, there is another possibility: he is one of those men who thinks it's HIS duty to deal with all financial matters, and perhaps they have money troubles that he is hiding from her, as he believes this to be HIS failure to do his duty. This doesn't actually change the advice all that much -- she needs to find out what is going on with their finances (which should be easy to do IF she is on the account).

@Jane -- you raise a VERY good point. We are only getting the LW's side of the story here, and she's not likely to tell us she's a spendthrift -- indeed, many spendthrifts, like your mother, don't even realize this about themselves. In a situation like your parents', it's easy to just blame the "clueless spendthrift." But sometimes that's not entirely fair. I don't know how old you or your parents are, but in older generations, it wasn't uncommon for a woman to go straight from her "father's home" to her "husband's home," and then, never having lived on her own, she knows little to nothing about paying bills. I once met a woman who literally didn't even know how to write a check. She had gone from her father's house to her husband's house and had never paid a bill. When her husband died, she literally had NO CLUE how to fend for herself financially. Now, it's not wrong to put most of the blame on the woman who is content to remain totally ignorant about finances -- but the husband had to be at least somewhat "complicit," content to leave her in the dark. Now, in your mom's case, it sounds like she willfully buried her head in the sand and that your father attempted to enlighten her. But that's not always the way it goes. Regardless, like I said before, you raise an excellent point.

And yet, even under those circumstances, I think most of the advice to the LW stands, because at the end of the day, whether hubby is controlling and up to no good, or whether hubby is just hanging on for deal life as LW runs around spending money willy nilly, the LW needs to learn the true scope, scale and status of their finances.

@Chris -- just piping up to agree with Zoe that, with regard to LW2, it's not a question of a father being unequipped to talk with his child about this or any other difficult truth. It's a question of who has been parenting this child. Hard to say from the letter, but it doesn't sound like he's doing much parenting -- whether through his own choice or the choice of the mother. It sounds like the person who has been the primary (and maybe the only) caretaker of this child is the mother (with, apparently, at least some amount of help from her current BF, who is not the child's biological father). That being the case, the mother is the one who should be talking with the daughter about this. Were the genders reversed, and it was the dad who was the custodial parent and the only parent the daughter had ever known and the daughter didn't know who her real mother was, I would say this was up to the father. In other words, whichever one has actually been a parent is the one who should be handling this. I'm making a point of noting that I would be "ruling in favor of the father" if the father were the custodial parent in the interest of making it plain that this isn't a gender thing. Having said that, it is far less common that a child would know who her dad is but not know the real identity of her mother -- it does happen, of course, just not as often. And it's not because I think men don't care as much about their children or some other man-bashing tripe. It's simple biology: it's harder for a woman to walk away from pregnancy. It can be done and certainly does happen. But it just IS easier for a man to walk away. Therefore, not surprisingly, the one happens more often than the other.

When I was doing the online dating thing, one of the things I put in my profile was "If you think Fox News is a great source of information, we probably won't get along." I thought it was a harmless way to weed out the guys whose political views were drastically different than mine, but wow did it bring out the crazies! One guy actually messaged me that he wished we could meet so he could show me what an idiot I was, how he'd like to shoot me (!!!), etc. I reported him to the dating site and promptly shut down the profile. Online dating is still a good way to meet people, but you *really* have to be careful.

LW3 -- wasn't even going to bother with this, but then I saw C Weisinger's post on this and just had to note that any time you make a remark that can be interpreted by some as being judgmental, sarcastic, etc., you run a certain risk of that remark -- no matter how innocuous it seemed to you -- will be acted upon differently than you intended. LW3 presumably thought she had found a witty way of telling guys who were "after only one thing" not to bother to respond. But she no doubt also managed to drive away guys who were NOT "after only one thing" as well, because they took it to mean she had a huge chip on her shoulder and didn't want to deal with that. C Weisinger thought her pithy jab at Fox News would keep political conservatives away, but instead, she managed to actually draw MORE attention from the nuttier shade of that end of the spectrum. And my guess is that she probably also drove away some perfectly nice guys who actually DID share her political views but assumed she was a "political hothead" herself and didn't want to deal with that. All bipartisanship and political polarizing aside, there's a pretty giant group of people out there who are turned off by this kind of crap, REGARDLESS of whether they are Democrats or Republicans.

As an aside, I am always amazed at the number of people who are so sure that their beliefs are the only ones that could possibly be remotely sane and that therefore every sane person they know must share them. Just recently, I was at a running store with a friend of mine, who, like me happens to be an avid runner -- and, unlike me, is a very conservative Republican. The owner of the store just assumed that because we all three shared a common passion -- running -- that we must all three be good, nice, sane people, and of course, no good, nice, sane person could possibly be a conservative Republican, apparently. She made some snide comment about idiot Republicans, just assuming that we would both agree with her. As we had already made our purchase and were preparing to leave anyway, we simply left. But my friend was very upset and has sworn she'll never do business there again. I've heard Republicans make the same type of snide remarks about Democrats, assuming that everyone they are talking with must think the same as they do. I have no problem with Democrats thinking Republicans are idiots or vice versa. But the REAL idiot is the person who just assumes that anyone who seems to be a nice, sane person must automatically share his/her political beliefs. There are whackjobs on both sides. There are also perfectly nice, good people on both sides.

@Chris, it's not about having a woman vs. a man delivering this life changing bombshell to a little child. It's about having someone whom the child knows & trusts and believes that she loves her, giving her big news like this. This event ought to be more about what the child needs than what the adults in the situation need. You make dad's role sound like mainly a wallet. Dad's role ought to be actually participating in a child's life and striving to take the best care possible of the child, not just paying money for their care. If he can't put the kid first, then he should just keep his mouth and his wallet shut.

Re: Lisa #33
An online profile has the exact same problem as comments BTL, in the sense that it's only text, and text doesn't convey intonation, facial expression and body language. It doesn't matter what you say. SOMEONE will interpret it all wrong.

@Lise, #35, true, there's always that danger and it's a good point to remember -- I still think that LW3 could do a better job and reduce the misinterpretations she's obviously getting. And I think your advice is probably good FOR her, too -- she may not have realized or remembered about the lack of intonation when she wrote her profile.

A good tip is to have a trusted friend or two read your profile and they can often point out where your messaging is going wrong -- I think this LW probably would be helped by an editorial comment or two from another party. I suspect she's come to the wrong conclusion about why she's not getting many takers online!

Re: Mike H
Even then, the editorial review by a friend doesn't mean somebody else won't have a totally different take, and one completely off the bat. I've had men flame me because I have diverse interests, as in, "Who do you think you are"!

@Lise, agreed -- but I think a second pair of eyes can at least reduce some of the more egregious mistakes someone might make.

Also, comments BTL are a different environment than online dating sites -- in one, you really are "marketing" yourself, where as BTL its more of a discussion.

But I agree, there's pretty much no way to prevent *some* misreading online -- you can only try to minimize it from your own end of things, and increase the likelihood that *most* people will get what you are trying to say -- and then ideally you are getting more responses to your dating ad from likely candidates anyway!

Re: Mike H
In an online dating as as BTL, most people get what you,re trying to say. There will be the occasional honest misunderstanding, but in general, most people get what you're trying to say.

But... online as BTL, you also get the shit-disturbers who purposely misread something because they're in bad faith, and looking for a fight. BTL is just a different self-marketting than online dating.

@Lise, I dunno... she's obviously in a situation where most people *aren't* getting what she's trying to say, and a lot of us BTL think it is the way she's conveying her message that is doing it.

Sometimes the *messenger* really is the one screwing up the message, and it's not always the case that its the listener's fault for miscommunication.

Re LW1: I didn't read thru all the posts but Jane #16 caught my eye. She summarized very well what I was thinking, because it's pretty much what I went thru with my ex. I'm not saying that that is the situation... the husband may be entirely in the wrong. When LW1 says her husband has "hidden the checkbook" does that mean she literally can't see what he's spending money on? Or just that she can't write checks? She certainly has a right to see all the statements for the accounts. Would be nice to have more info but I scanned the other posts and didn't see any.

Re LW3: I've had some conversations with women on dating sites describing exactly what LW3 said: men treating the sites as "hookup" sites rather than "relationship" sites. OTOH, based on my experience, plenty of women do EXACTLY the same thing. You just have to keep sorting the wheat from the chaff. One thing that makes it hard for guys is that women seem to feel obligated to always say "friendship first" but some women then get annoyed if you don't make a serious effort to get them into bed on the 1st or 2nd date. Very confusing for us logical types.

Re: Mike H
I'll put it another way. On dating sites, it doesn't matter how you say it. Most men will read it to say what they want it to say. And most guys on these sites treat them as meat markets for their horny dick, REGARDLESS of how you put anything. If you had tried any of them you would know that, but you never did and never will, and I have no idea if the same thing applies to gay sites.

That's why I've completely given up on these sites. Like I surmised, perhaps it's a little less bad when the woman is younger, but the minute the woman (and the pool of responding men) gets past a certain age, forget it.

Well... my mom had a very different experience as a woman in her late 50s, and she and the man she met online have been married for 9 years now.

But I have to say, I think it's almost the opposite, that it actually matters a great deal how you say it -- because on dating sites, you have exactly one shot at making that first impression -- it isn't a conversation, a back-and-forth, at least not to begin with. You put up a picture, you put up your stats, and then a one- or two-paragraph "ad" in which you get a little bit more time to describe who you are and what you are looking for.

And that's it. So I'd say it actually matters far more how you say what you want to say, if you want to attract the right kind of person.

The LW seems like she's screening out more men than she realizes or wants to because she doesn't seem to have considered the tone of her profile message. That's why I strongly suspect she's reached the wrong conclusion about why she's getting so few responses, especially since she gave us an excerpt and it didn't strike many of us as particularly appealing -- men and women alike BTL.