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Will You Flash Mob Me?
I'm going to propose to my girlfriend, and it seems there's this trend of doing crazy, elaborate things to ask a girl to marry you. I know I can't compete with the guys like the New York City dude I just read about who threw down $45,000 to pop the question. But even if friends help me out for free, I don't know whether I can make my proposal cool enough to go viral like the Portland guy who had his choreographed and filmed. — Don't Want To Disappoint
"Will you marry me?" is a pretty powerful question. Asking this of a woman who loves you can provoke tears, and not because you didn't hire Beyonce to sing "Put A Ring On It" and spend a year training a humpback whale to swim by at exactly the right moment and shoot the ring out its blowhole.
Regarding the proposals you mention, the New York guy is 27-year-old online marketing company honcho Josh Ogle. He wrote on reddit.com that he actually spent around $13K on a lavish proposal evening, starting with his popping the question to Nataliya Lavryshyn on a Manhattan hotel rooftop, decorated for the event with pages of Pablo Neruda's poetry. This price included $3,500 for a professional "proposal planner" and a $1,500 post-proposal private dinner cooked by a celebrity chef. (Media outlets came up with the $45K proposal cost by adding in the $21K custom-made ring and the $10K post-engagement European "honeymoon.") As easy as it is to mock the guy for outsourcing his proposal, Ogle is reportedly a self-made multi-millionaire (apparently, after growing up poor while his dad was in prison), so for him, $45K probably spends like $45 does for the rest of us.
The Portland guy, actor and theatrical director Isaac Lamb, pulled together 60-plus friends and family members in an elaborate (and wildly adorable) lip-synched song-and-dance routine to Bruno Mars' "Marry You." His girlfriend, choreographer Amy Frankel, listened to the song on headphones from the tailgate of a Honda CRV pulling her slowly down the street while everyone danced in formation behind it. Lamb then got down on one knee and said to Frankel, "You have already given me a lifetime of happiness. Will you let me spend the rest of my life trying to give you the same?" (Not surprisingly, she said yes.)
Although the trend toward extreme proposing is surely the lovechild of reality TV and social media, it has something in common with the mythic quest — an epic mission a man would go on to prove his love and worth to a woman. Of course, these days, the most dangerous journey a man can usually take for a woman is a trip to 7-Eleven on bald tires. So, conspicuous romancing can act as a stand-in proving ground — an extravagant display that a man's "all-in" and somebody the woman can count on...to keep life exciting and to call a singing, dancing, plumbing flash mob whenever the garbage disposal's broken.
That said, you're asking a woman to grow old with you, not auditioning for "America's Got Proposal Talent." If you are "all in," you probably show your girlfriend that in a lot of little ways every day. Keep in mind that Ogle's and Lamb's proposals reflected who they are and will likely continue to be — a really rich guy and an artsy, creative guy, respectively. Your proposal likewise needs to reflect who you are and tell your girlfriend that you get who she is — starting with whether she's someone who'd be horrified to have an intimate moment like a marriage proposal take place on the Jumbotron.
The truth is, there's no need for Jumbotrons or trying to hire away the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from some Bar Mitzvah gig they picked up. Even if every one of Lamb's dancers stayed home in bed, his proposal would have been extremely moving simply because of the words he spoke. Put your effort into telling your girlfriend why you always want to be there to hold her hand, even when it gets all wrinkly. Couple that with an essential element from the elaborate proposers — delighting a woman with the element of surprise. You can do this by planning your proposal around something your girlfriend once said (and will be amazed you remembered) or just by serving her toast a slightly different way: with a heart cut in the middle with the ring inside it. This sort of proposal sends a message — "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you" (not to be confused with "Bet I can get more YouTube hits than that big dog teaching the puppy to go down the stairs!").
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2013 AMY ALKON
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
It's Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess Radio! "Nerd your way to a better life," with the best brains in science solving your love, dating, sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon — 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or download the podcast at the link. The call-in number during the show is 347-326-9761. This week, Dr. Eric Klinenberg on how and why living alone can make you happy.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/2013/03/25/dr-eric-klinenberg-howwhy-living-alone-can-make-you-happy
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13 Comments | Post Comment
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Frankly, as much of an extrovert as I am, if someone would go hyperbolic like that on me just to pop the question, I would be embarassed - and perhaps wonder what else he'll go overboard about.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 9, 2013 7:36 AM
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Good news, LW, there are still men all across the nation (and all over the world, for that matter), who just say, "I love you, and I always will. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" No frills, no fanfare (heck, in some cases, no ring and not even a bended knee). And you know what? If the women they're asking love them and want to marry they, they say "yes." Of course, you don't read about these proposals or see them on YouTube, because they're no frills, but they still got the job done for all of that.
Whenever a couple gets engaged and starts spreading the news to loved ones, people will ask how it happened. And everyone hopes for a good story. But sometimes the best stories are the ones that never make it to YouTube. Do you remember where your first date was and/or where you met her the first time? Depending on the circumstances, taking her back there is always a good standby. Do you remember where you were when you first realized you loved her, or where you first told her you loved her? That's another good option. Unless you are dating a woman who aspires to be a reality TV celebrity, the key isn't shilling out a lot of money or elaborate, YouTube-worthy schemes. The key is showing her how much you love her and want to be with her for the rest of your lives, and tailoring that to who you two are.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 9, 2013 8:18 AM
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The reason you think that proposals have to be gigantic, choreographed affairs is because when someone does do a big deal like this, it gets attention. You simply don't hear about the lower key "Will you marry me" proposals that merely involve a nice dinner, or a romantic walk. Not to mention the "Shall we get married" discussions that don't involve a formal proposal at all, or the cases where the woman does the proposing. Or, for that matter, the ones that get turned down.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jennifer
Wed Apr 10, 2013 2:17 AM
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Dude, women have a name for guys like that who think the entire world wants to see their private moment and know how much they spent: show-offs. Seriously, the kind of women who make good marriage partners do not need that kind of stuff, which strikes a lot of people as shallow and narcissistic. Those who do are likely show-offs as well. There is nothing wrong with cooking your girlfriend a romantic dinner with rose petals on the table and popping the question. Trust me. Next we will probably be seeing flash mobs and viral videos of the wedding night and the head crowning of their first child's birth. TMI, in my opinion.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jane
Wed Apr 10, 2013 4:20 AM
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Count me in as a young woman who thinks this sort of proposal is ridiculous and would actually be the very last thing I want. I wouldn't even want to be asked in a restaurant or in front of other people, let alone in a video that the entire world is going to see. And I'd be furious if I had a boyfriend who thought it was a good idea to spend $45,000 (!) on a proposal evening, complete with a proposal planner. I don't care how rich you are, that's insane.
You know what my favourite proposal moment from any media is? My Big Fat Greek Wedding. He asked her in bed, just the two of them, quietly and calmly, no big show of it. THAT'S a proposal. It's been years since I've seen that movie and I've always remembered that bit. That's what I'd want.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Alexandra
Wed Apr 10, 2013 4:33 AM
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Joining the choir of the previous posters. If my now-husband went all out with a showy proposal preplanned by an event planner, I'd probably say, "I am flattered, but no." "How can I get my proposal to go viral?" is not a question a prospective fiance should be asking. And how would the LW like a huge rejection to go viral? Didn't this happen to some guy a few years ago who got the proposal to his GF flashed on the scoreboard at some huge game?
Comment: #6
Posted by: Ariana
Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:04 AM
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Re: Ariana
Frankly, he seems overly concerned about what HE wants, not about what she would like, like everything is always about him. It seems the one he "doesn'T want to disappoint" is himself.
Reminds me of my late ex, who didn't give a damn that I was not in the least interested in him being "more endowed", HE wanted a dildo.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:33 AM
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So, is the guy more interested in proposing to the woman or in having a vid that goes viral? Cause it sounds to me like he is more interested in having a vid go viral in which case the woman should tell his what he can do with his proposal.
Personally, I would hate an elaborate and very public proposal. That kind of thing completely undermines the meaning of what the couple is considering.
Comment: #8
Posted by: jac
Wed Apr 10, 2013 12:56 PM
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It's all well and good to accuse him of being fame hungry, but clearly you haven't patrolled any 'wedding' sites or boards lately. A storybook proposal is the new 'necessary' item, along with a ring that is way over the top, otherwise clearly he didn't love you enough to put the required effort into it. *eye roll* Honestly, I think that weddings used to be important because of big life changes. Sharing a home, starting a new life, sex, all of it. Now that people are doing all of that stuff beforehand, it just seems like it's a bigger and bigger grab for attention, trying to make a significant event.
Comment: #9
Posted by: catakit
Fri Apr 12, 2013 5:53 PM
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LW1--Oh for pity's sake. Stop being such an attention whore! If you love your girlfriend and want to spend the rest of your life with her then simply ask her to marry you over a romantic dinner. if you're damn lucky, your girlfriend will be elated and say 'yes'. You don't need to make a big multimedia production out of it. It's not a competition and certainly not something that needs to be splashed all over the Internet.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Chris
Sat Apr 13, 2013 5:47 AM
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Re: catakit
I guess guys, with all these over-the-board bridezilla weddings, are trying to keep up with the Joneses! >:-D
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Apr 13, 2013 7:08 AM
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A couple of years ago I saw a TV report of a young man who proposed to his girlfriend at UCLA's Pauley Pavilion. Not only was it displayed on the Pauley TV screens, but he'd enlisted a local TV newswoman to "emcee" the proposal.
In full view of everybody, his girlfriend ran the other way! I can't imagine why anyone, no matter how sure of getting "Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!" for answer, would put himself in that position.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Kimiko
Sat Apr 13, 2013 3:21 PM
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LW1: If you're so worried about competing with other people then you are waaaaaaaaaaay too immature to be getting married. Grow up and man up.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Diana
Wed Apr 17, 2013 7:24 PM
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