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This woman and I were involved 13 years ago, before I met my wife, but she was married then. She got divorced and moved away. We reconnected recently on Facebook, and I discovered she's now only 20 miles away. I told her I'm happily married and I'…Read more.
Fry, Fry Again
I walked into my apartment and, to my horror, thought my boyfriend had been electrocuted. He was sprawled on the kitchen floor by an open electrical outlet with wires sticking out. There was a screwdriver near him, and the skin on his arm and hand …Read more.
Dark Clouds On The Verizon
I work 9 to 5, and my girlfriend of two years is retired and pretty much free all day. I've asked that we treat dinner as our special time to reconnect and ignore incoming phone calls. Sadly, instead of embracing this request, she has resisted me …Read more.
Will You Flash Mob Me?
I'm going to propose to my girlfriend, and it seems there's this trend of doing crazy, elaborate things to ask a girl to marry you. I know I can't compete with the guys like the New York City dude I just read about who threw down $45,000 to pop the …Read more.
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When You Wish Upon A Sleazebucket
I was seeing a guy for four months — a guy I liked better than I've ever liked anyone. Two months in, he was calling me his girlfriend, putting me on the phone with his mom, and saying that I shouldn't look to be dating other people. Yet, I noticed that he remained on the dating website we met on and was checking in there daily. I asked him whether he was seeing other girls on the site, and he said, "Only a friend I work with and she is older anyway." When I'd ask whether he was sleeping with other girls, he'd always say no. Well, he left his email open on my computer, and I searched it and discovered he'd been contacting several women daily on the dating site and sleeping with at least one other woman. I contacted her and told her he's contacting numerous other women so she'd know he's a sociopath, a sex addict, a liar, and a cheat. Now I'm thinking about warning other women he's contacted. Is that crazy? — Badly Betrayed
We all want to believe — in the tooth fairy and talking dogs, that Santa got to the mall on his airborne sleigh and not the bus after his car got impounded for DUIs.
Sticking to your preferred version of reality works when you're 6. At 26 or 36, it tends to end badly. You, for example, tried to ignore the wildly obvious: A guy isn't logging in at a dating site daily because his mouse gets lost on the way to the sports scores. Eventually, Reality popped up to ask you, "Am I really going to have to bite you?" So, you asked the guy whether he was seeing anybody from the site, and he said, "Only a friend I work with." Note that this was not a no. To a woman seeking the truth, it sounds like what it was — a truth-flavored lie. But, determined as you were to keep believing you'd found your Mr. Husband, you cut up all the red flags and did a remarkable job repurposing them into throw pillows.
The fact that your suspicions finally got too big and stanky to ignore didn't give you the right to plow through the guy's email — the techno-quivalent of breaking in to his house and reading all his mail. People are entitled to privacy. Even scummy people. Even scummy people who are sleeping with you. If a guy's level of sharing doesn't match your need to know, find the door — not an opportune moment to go all Nancy Drew on his Gmail.
Railing about what a bad guy your ex is and contacting every woman he ever said "'sup?" to on some dating site is a great idea, as it will keep you far too busy to admit that you made it possible for him to skeeve you. (Your not wanting to know coincided rather neatly with his wanting to keep his options open.) You can't control whether somebody lies to you. You can only control whether you do — and whether you treat reality like the 50-foot brick wall it is or pretend, for as long as you can, that it comes with an elastic waistband like fat men's pants.
A Breath Of Fresh Stare
I'm back in college in hopes of changing careers, and I'm interested in a woman I've become friendly with in one of my classes. Our schedules rarely seem to mesh, so it's been difficult for me to find a time to express my feelings. In fact, there's never an appropriate time to ask her out due to other students always being present. Still, I think it would be a shame not to let her know that somebody really cares for her. — Continuing Ed
There are sometimes great barriers to two people coming together — warring nations, conflicting religions, violent family feuds, and other students seated in nearby desks. You're taking college classes, which suggests your problem-solving ability exceeds that of most boiled vegetables. This, in turn, suggests you could figure out the obvious solution: Pull this woman aside and ask her out. But maybe what you're most interested in is a convenient excuse for spending the rest of the semester staring at the back of her head while drawing little hearts in a notebook, allowing you to feel connected to her without risking rejection. The problem is, this can cause your feelings to fester — to the point where you have such a huge one-sided relationship with her that you become unable to speak to her without seeming creepy. If you do want to date her, ask her out now, before "Wanna knock a few back at Kelly's bar?" comes off like "You know, you'd look really pretty chained to my cabin wall."
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2013 AMY ALKON
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM 
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25 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 -- there was nothing wrong with Amy's response, except that, frankly, she went too easy on you. You asked if wanting to contact other women this guy is in contact with is crazy. The answer, in your case, is a resounding "yes." Not because wanting to save other women the pain you went through is so wrong (except that actually, you can't save them from that), but because that's not really what you're after. You didn't just contact that one woman to say, "look, he lied to me and told me were exclusive, and then I find out he's sleeping with you and others, so I thought you should know." You called her to say that "he's a sociopath, a sex addict, a liar, and a cheat."
Look, he certainly lied to you, and he cheated on you. But sociopath? Sex addict? Unless you are psychiatrist (and I'm betting you aren't) you have no idea whether he is either of those things, and since neither of those things is nearly as common as pop culture would have us believe, and those are some pretty heavy accusations you're so eager to dish out to anyone who will listen. It may, for a very brief, shining moment, make you feel better to have trashed this guy, but it may also leave you open to defamation of character charges -- in fact, I'm not sure (as I'm not a legal expert) but it wouldn't surprise me if this kind of thing could be construed as stalking in some states/municipalities. Unlikely that he'd bother with that, but you never know.
But at the end of the day, the crazy person is YOU, not him. What he did makes him a liar and a cheat, yes. It doesn't necessarily make him a sex addict and a sociopath. It's bad enough that you were his dupe -- don't compound that by becoming obsessed with punishing him. Move on -- but with an important lesson: red flags are meant to serve as warnings, not a little pop of color.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 16, 2013 9:16 AM
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LW2 -- Like Amy said, pull her aside. It's really not that hard. Also, while I can understand not wanting others to be around when you ask her out, it's not a crime to ask someone out in front of other people. And, in fact, you can even make it a more casual group outing -- "hey, why don't we all grab a beer after class..." which can allow you to interact with her more in a social setting outside of class, which can not only give you a better idea of whether you two would click, giver her more of a chance to get to know you and possibly be more open to going out with you sans classmates at some point and might also give you additional opportunities to ask her out. Seriously, this is not rocket science.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 16, 2013 9:20 AM
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Who the hell uses a dating site to stay in touch with a coworker? That was LW1's cue to walk out. No need to search through his email, he'd already given her the answer.
Contacting other women isn't going to do anyone any good. More likely than not, the women aren't going to believe LW1. Some dating sites give you an option to report a profile. She can do that if she's so inclined. Although, I don't see the practical value of that, either - he'll just create a new profile and continue down the same path. Basically, LW1 should consider this a valuable experience, get herself checked for STDs, and move on. Yes, she met a player on a dating site; in other news, the grass is green, the sky is blue, and the sun rises in the east.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Goldie
Tue Apr 16, 2013 9:27 AM
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"he left his email open on my computer"
Sorry, but I don't think looking at something that is open on your computer is the same thing as "breaking in to his house and reading all his mail."
At any rate, don't contact the other women. Just don't. Chalk this up to a bad experience and move on.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Elizabeth
Tue Apr 16, 2013 11:59 AM
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LW1 -
The one thing I don't agree with here is ""People are entitled to privacy. Even scummy people."
Sorry Amy, but the LW didn't exactly hack into the guy's account. Anybody leaving his mail open for all to read only gets what he deserves when they do. Methinks it was a deliberate ploy on his part to pass a message he was too cowardly to say in so many words.
As for contacting every woman he ever e-mailed or talked to, it sounds onverly bitter and obsessed. You can,t protect the world world, they're big girls who can take care of themselves, like you did. At least I hope you did and dumped the cad. He'll probably leave his mail open for his next one as well, so I wouldn't worry for her too much.
LW2 -
What's wrong with talking to her at recess and asking if she wants to go grab a coffee after class, or go see a flick some time during the week? You may be "back in college in hopes of changing careers", which suggests you're at least late twenties, but your problem-solving abilities seem a bit emotionally arrested. This is the type of problem an introverted 16 year-old would have.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 16, 2013 5:33 PM
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Just wanted to say that I LOVED this line: But, determined as you were to keep believing you'd found your Mr. Husband, you cut up all the red flags and did a remarkable job repurposing them into throw pillows.
Comment: #6
Posted by: hedgehog
Tue Apr 16, 2013 7:08 PM
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LW1: Let me give you the facts straight from Sargent Joe Friday:
Reading someone's e-mail without written or oral consent, even if the “e-mail is left open” is an electronic invasion charge. If any of the e-mails you read were sent to the individual, whose e-mail you viewed without authorization, from another state, the charges become FEDERAL charges.
Additionally, the person whose e-mails you read can seek civil damages from you for defamation of character for anything you say or do as a direct or indirect result of the e-mails you read.
Think about what you are doing, before you end up in VERY SERIOUS TROUBLE.
--Captain Wastey
Comment: #7
Posted by: Captain Wastey
Tue Apr 16, 2013 9:25 PM
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LW2: Do not tell a woman you hardly know that you care for her or have feelings for her. That is super creepy. She'll be reporting you to campus security. Say hello. Ask her a question about the homework.
Comment: #8
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Tue Apr 16, 2013 10:13 PM
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Re: Captain Wastey
In a marital situation? Good luck proving that.
@LouisaFinnell
Yes, but he says he's already become friends with her, so I think he's past that stage and can move on to the coffee invite. But he should be prepared for the fact that she may have a boyriend already.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Apr 17, 2013 3:41 AM
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@Goldie -- yes, the guy's line that the only other woman from that dating site that he is seeing is a co-worker should have been a dead giveaway, not only because no one uses a dating site to connect with a co-worker but also:
1) Her basic question is "are you seeing anyone else" and his basic answer is "yes." That should have been all she needed to know.
2) He essentially suggests that this other woman he is seeing "doesn't count" because she's older. Since older women date, have sex, have relationships, etc., she "counts" regardless of her age. She only "doesn't count" if the relationship is entirely platonic. Again, basic question is "are you seeing anyone else" and basic answer is "yes."
3) And as you rightfully point out, no one uses a dating site to connect with a co-worker. This guy may as well have been wearing "I'm lying to you" on his forehead. Apparently if he had, she would have gone and got a washcloth and said, "here, honey, you've got this odd dirt pattern on your forehead, let me scrub that off for you."
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Apr 17, 2013 6:30 AM
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Not sure to whether Capt. Wastey's info is accurate or not, but here's another "fact" in this case:
THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN NO NEED TO READ THIS GUY'S EMAIL FOR HER TO FIGURE THIS OUT.
She knew he remained active on the dating site. There is really only one reason to remain active on a dating site. She asked him he was seeing anyone else, and he said yes (and offered up one of the lamest "mitigating factors" of all time to explain it away). Whether it was right or wrong for her to read his e-mail, the fact is she shouldn't have needed to anyway.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Apr 17, 2013 6:37 AM
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Sorry, I shouldn't have yelled. The BTL all seems to realize this woman put on a pair of blinders and then superglued them to her head. I should have reserved my yelling for the LW!
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Apr 17, 2013 6:39 AM
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Capt. Wastey, I don't know about your planet, but on ours, the Feds are too busy with actual crimes to worry about some scorned girlfriend reading email ON HER OWN COMPUTER that her slimey "boyfriend" left open for her to find.
I loved Amy's advice.
Just want to reiterate for Continuing Ed - DO NOT tell her that "somebody really cares for her". DO NOT "express your feelings" . You're already coming off desperate and a little creepy in your letter to Amy - no telling how you'd sound to this woman that you've "become friendly with" but apparently can't talk to. Just say what the others suggest - "You want to grab a beer (or coffee or whatever)? Don't act like you have ulterior motives - that's what Amy is warning against. In other words, don't say anything to her that could make "so what?" a logical response.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed Apr 17, 2013 8:07 AM
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RE: Captain Wastey
I beg to differ. Email privacy is derived from the Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and is governed by the "reasonable expectation of privacy" standard. Just like a regular letter, if you leave it out where anyone can read it, you no longer have a "reasonable expectation of privacy". Now, if his email had been secured with a password and log in name on HIS computer and she hacked that, then yes, she violated his privacy. If she accessed his email account via log in and password through HER computer, then she violated his privacy. If he left it open on her computer...he is just an idiot.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Kelle
Wed Apr 17, 2013 8:14 AM
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Um, if something is "in plain sight", it trumps any laws of privacy or search warrant. If you want the Joe Friday reference, he arrested a guy who was attending a drug rehab program who opened his book in front of him and a bag of weed fell out. Walking by a screen with an e-mail left open qualifies.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Paul W
Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:00 AM
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LW1: I think you're nuts. The fact that you ignored that he called you is girlfriend after 2 months, put you on the phone with his mother, told you not to date anyone else while he patrolled the dating sites means you're nuts.
LW2: "Still, I think it would be a shame not to let her know that somebody really cares for her." LOL Yeah, don't do her any favors.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Diana
Wed Apr 17, 2013 7:19 PM
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LW1: Gotta admit, now I'm a bit confused about what advice to give.
A part of me sees the LW's point – her guy wasn't being forthcoming with his answers and she needed to do some detective work to get at the truth. The other part of me wonders if reading his e-mail (even if he left it open by mistake) was the right way to do this.
I'm not an attorney, but I'm not sure if he can file charges with her. Kelle makes a convincing argument, IMO, about the Fourth Amendment. He can, however, be really, really angry at her for two reasons: 1. She read his e-mail; and 2. She contacted an ex-girlfriend of his to get the dirt on him, learning that the guy she liked is a loser, user and a liar ... or so the ex says. Actually, 3. Even though she (wisely) didn't say it, she might contact his other ex's to see what he's about.
Even for 1 alone – imagine that you're reading the email and you think you're alone ... and then when you get up to walk out of the room, guess who snuck in quietly? He smiles, stifles an evil laugh, calls you a bitch and then beats the living hell out of you, breaking bones and what not.
Well, he might not go that far (I hope he doesn't), but figuratively speaking ... he'd definitely make you feel small after he gets through flaming you and then telling you to get the f-in' hell out of his house and never return or you'll really regret it.
As for him, I agree with the others ... he still had his profile up. Either you truly were his girlfriend after he said so, which means he should have been held to his word, you misunderstood him or he's just a player. Either way, I sense this relationship is over, and it's best to end it now. Because even if he wasn't the psycho that entered the room quietly to see you on the computer, he very possibly will find out that you read his e-mail and may not want to be very civil when addressing this.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Bobaloo
Thu Apr 18, 2013 3:52 PM
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Paul W. I remember that episode. The guy was talking about how he uses weed and opened his notebook and the weed was attached right there in plain site. Joe Friday saw it and arrested the guy after class. The guys defense was he was being profiled and Joe basically said, no you idiot I SAW the weed in your notebook plain as day!
If you use my computer and you leave an open email right there on the screen, expect it to be read.
Comment: #18
Posted by: EB
Fri Apr 19, 2013 3:40 AM
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Captain Wastey, learn how to spell "sergeant" correctly before you quote one.
In any case, Sgt. Joe Friday was a fictional character, and a law on the books when "Dragnet" was on the air umpteen years ago could have been overturned by a later statute or case law.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Kimiko
Fri Apr 19, 2013 10:50 AM
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Another thing, Captain Wastey: even if Joe Friday HAD been a real person, he was an LAPD cop, not an FBI agent or a civil-liberties attorney. He knew if there was probable cause to make an arrest. Whether or not the person he arrested would actually be convicted was up to a judge and/or jury.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Kimiko
Fri Apr 19, 2013 11:52 AM
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Re: the legality of reading someone's email under certain conditions -- lawyers have argued back and forth about whether it's legal to read someone else's email if they leave the browser open without signing out. The consensus is that it is not. Here's what one lawyer wrote, in relation to a question that was posted on the World Law Direct website:
Question: By not logging out isn't that tantamount to loosing your expectation to privacy? Same with storing a password so it can be accessed without a password? Seems like a gray area to me.
Answer: Well, the purpose of storing a password is for personal convenience. Just because someone else have their password stored doesn't mean I can login and read everything. It is like I saw my neighbor left their key at the mailbox. Maybe they are being dumb by forgetting to take the key, but it doesn't mean I can open their mailbox and read every letter in it.
Another lawyer wrote:
I wish to inform you that reading of someone's email is breaching into privacy of the other person and is not allowed. In this regard, when the lady in the house had used the guy's computer and by reading his email she had breached his privacy. It is not necessary to hack password in this because a person may keep his email open in his own computer. The 4th Amendment to the US Constitution provides about privacy. The email is like a letter and is legally protected for privacy. Therefore, he may take possible legal action against her.
So while it's unlikely that LW1's lying, cheating boyfriend will take her to court for her actions, it does appear that she was breaking the law. He's a dirtbag, but she's a criminal who could go to jail for her crimes. And please do recall that "ignorance of the law is no excuse."
Comment: #21
Posted by: Nowhereman
Fri Apr 19, 2013 7:26 PM
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LW1: I'm going to be probably the only one to side with how your feel before telling you to just leave. Yes he said "you my girlfriend, talk to my mother and don't date anyone else". The fact that he said that then dated and had sex with others is . . . not right or normal. Report him if you wish to the dating site. No its not fair and not right and you would love to see him fry cause you trusted him. Who hasn't felt like that about at least one person? He did real mind job on you and now you are reacting. I don't blame you for your feelings and you have right to them. Now you must go on in life and leave him. Tell him off before you go if you wish that he is scum. But after that you must cut off contact with him. And don't tell him how you found out. Let the next gal he dates find out too the same way.
We all wish that the world played fair and those that didn't got punished. But the world doesn't work that way.
This should be reminder to all to close your emails.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Kath
Sat Apr 20, 2013 7:12 AM
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LW1--I'm sorry but the only sociopath I see here is you. Your so called boyfriend was pretty transparent with you about the fact that he was still active on the dating web site. Moreover, he even left his e-mail open for you to peruse which means he's either the stupidest man alive or that he subconsciously wanted you to realize that you and he aren't exclusive. Look honey, the two of you were dating for a matter of months and obviously he isn't the Prince Charming you were hoping for. That you contacted a woman he was sleeping with and are contemplating contacting others whom he's corresponding with to "warn" them about his promiscuity and embellish what you see as apparent personality flaws makes you seem like a jealous, vindictive witch with a capital "B." He's a man; they play the field at your age! If you want to DTMFA then by all means do so but don't launch a campaign to destroy this guy's personal life because you're irritated that he didn't drop everything and everyone to be with you exclusively. The only one whose going to come out of it looking like a fool is you.
LW2--Stop being an idiot. If you like someone than have the balls to ask her out. Beating around the bush and making up excuses or worrying about other students being present just makes you seem like a spineless simp. Either piss or get off the pot!
Comment: #23
Posted by: Chris
Sat Apr 20, 2013 3:47 PM
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Re: Kath
I'm sure he left his mail open on purpose.
@Chris
"Your so called boyfriend was pretty transparent with you about the fact that he was still active on the dating web site."
Sorry , but no he's not. A man who answers ""Only a friend I work with and she is older anyway" when being asked point-blank if he's seeing other women is being deceitful, not "pretty transparent"
And coming from someone whom, two months into the relationshiop, was calling her his girlfriend, putting her through to his mother and telling her she shouldn't be seeing anyone else? That's not exactly giving the impression he wasnt an open relationship. What he wanted is for HER to be exclusive and reserved to his personal usage only, while he keeps on playing the field.
While I agree with you that her wanting to get back to every female in his little black books makes her look like she's hopping mad and itching to do something about it, HE was hardly "transparent". Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned... especially when she's been lied to and used.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Apr 21, 2013 6:59 AM
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Erratum - giving the impression he wants
Comment: #25
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Apr 21, 2013 7:00 AM
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