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In Sickness And In Stealth
This woman and I were involved 13 years ago, before I met my wife, but she was married then. She got divorced and moved away. We reconnected recently on Facebook, and I discovered she's now only 20 miles away. I told her I'm happily married and I've never cheated on my wife, but I would risk everything for her and want to meet her for an intimate encounter. (She and I had great sex, far better than I have with my wife.) She said she still has feelings for me but is happily married and couldn't cheat on her husband because she would feel "too guilty." She says he is her "rock" and has done so much for her, including taking her and her three kids in during the ordeal of her divorce. I'm perplexed. She cheated on her first husband with me, and we had lots of fun. I thought the leopard couldn't change its spots. How could it be okay for her to cheat then and not now? — Spurned
It's so annoying when a woman lets a little thing like a lifelong commitment get in the way of providing you with an hour and a half of better-quality sex.
No, a leopard does not wake up in the morning and think, "Maybe I'll do paisley today." Humans, on the other hand, have an irritating tendency to fail to conform to pat aphorisms. For example, this woman, who, in the past, has provided you with some seriously excellent adulterous sex, now refuses to run off to Goodwill to get back her leopard-print blouse with the scarlet A on it. Amazingly, she feels it would be wrong to reward a guy who's "done so much" for her by doing you whenever you can both sneak out for a nooner.
As for why she cheated in the past, maybe she was young and narcissistic and thought being unhappily married was enough of an excuse to be happily adulterous. She's since picked herself up a set of ethics — maybe after seeing the ravages that conscience-free living can cause on husbands and children. And tempted as she may be, she seems to realize that the best way to avoid going around feeling all queasy with guilt is to avoid sexual multitasking: trying to gaze in one man's eyes like you love him while trying to remember what time you were supposed to meet the other man at the motel.
Economist Robert H. Frank explains in "Passions Within Reason" that moral behavior seems to be driven by the emotions. Guilt, clearly, has worked for your former cheatums, and Frank sees love as a "commitment device" that bonds people beyond what would be in their sheer self-interest (like running off to the first opportunity for better sex that moves back to town). In other words, if you focus on what you're grateful for about your wife and engage in little loving touches and gestures, you can reinforce what you have — which seems fairer than rewarding her for making you happy by giving her believable excuses for your disappearances. Remember, they're called marriage vows, not marriage suggestions — as in, you don't get to live according to "Till the prospect of really great sex do us part, but only for an afternoon, and I wouldn't even think of it if she weren't double-jointed."
Belittle Miss Sunshine
I met a girl online, and we exchanged some email and planned to meet for happy hour. About three hours before, she texted me, "Sorry, have 2 cancel." That was the last I ever heard from her. I'm not bothered by being texted (since we didn't have a relationship), but at what point do you owe somebody more than the briefest possible blow-off? — Prematurely Dumped
Sometimes the technology at hand demands that a person send an abbreviated message — like when their chisel breaks just as they're etching the last letter of "cancel" into the stone tablet. Sometimes, the brevity is the message. For example, in the briefest way, this woman told you everything you need to know about her: "I'm not about to type out eight words of explanation just to preserve some stranger's dignity." In Internet dating, because you're meeting face to online dating profile, the coldly calculating find it easier to treat you like you're just a bunch of digital information that has the possibility of becoming a boyfriend. Being kind and polite takes very little — just some excuse that suggests you matter enough as a human to put some effort into blowing you off. So, this woman didn't need to give you the real reason, just some reason — "realizing i'm not over my x so sorry" — instead of simply unsubscribing to you and your offer of a date like you were unwanted email from Lyndon LaRouche or the Pantyliner Of The Month Club.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2013 AMY ALKON
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM 
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10 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 - Are you writing a trash romance novel, or a soap opera episode? You should. And if you're not thinking of doing that, you might want to remind yourself of the difference between those and real life.
LW2 - Just one of those things. Most likely she just met someone she liked better, or decided to return to an ex. I've been there and done that.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Paul W
Tue May 7, 2013 8:10 AM
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LW1 -- well, I have to hand it to you for creativity and thinking outside of the box. Typically, when people use the old "a leopard doesn't change its spots" line, they're referring to a cheater, suggesting s/he will always be a cheater and that therefore someone contemplating a relationship should skip it and/or someone who has just discovered that his/her SO cheated should DTMFA. But not you! No, you want to take that little gem and use it explain away your willingness to cheat on your wife and to "prove" to your would-be other woman that she OUGHT to cheat on her husband with you. Priceless, really. Especially the part where you say "How could it be okay for her to cheat then and not now?" Well, therein lies the rub, sweet pea. See, it was NOT OK for her to cheat back then -- she just didn't realize it or care about it. Kudos to her for having sprouted ethics. You might want to look into that.
LW2 -- I don't disagree with what Amy said to you, but she didn't really answer your question, did she? You say you didn't mind that she texted you (which I don't believe -- if you didn't mind, why bother writing to an advice columnist about this -- because you want to make sure to follow the right etiquette should you be on the opposite end of this situation in the future?), you just want to know at what point someone owes you more than a line that could actually be repeated six times in the space of one tweet. That point comes when you recognize that the person receiving that message is a human being that you, at one point, had at least passing interest in getting to know him/her better.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lisa
Tue May 7, 2013 10:47 AM
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LW2: I agree with Lisa – Amy sidestepped the question with a lot of yuhundra BS ... and I'm a little bit confused on Amy's answer to him, to boot.
I'm going to base my answer on assuming the LW is legit and didn't have some dark secrets to hide that the potential date found out about and thus canceled. Meaning, I think she probably either got cold feet, found someone she liked better (as Paul suggests), was found out by a current boyfriend/husband ... there could be dozens of reasons. Even if she had a legit reason, such as she liked someone else better based on their profile to simply deciding she had no interest in you after all after weighing it in her mind (which can happen), this seems abrupt.
I'd say that you didn't really lose anything here, just the little bit of your time spent communicating with this woman, which probably wasn't that much. Forget her ... whatever the case may be – she's a player to she simply just didn't want you for whatever reason – let it go and move on to the next cutie you meet online.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue May 7, 2013 1:03 PM
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LW1: Two things: One - you DO NOT belong in any type of committed relationship as you have no idea of what long term commitment means. Two – if you're looking for really great sex, go get yourself a whore.
LW2: The woman was kind enough to text you and tell you she wasn't going to make the date. Many times people don't even do that. You're setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary grief if you think people “owe you.” Move on and find someone else.
--Captain Wastey
Comment: #4
Posted by: Captain Wastey
Tue May 7, 2013 1:52 PM
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Actually, bobaloo, Amy didn't sidestep the question - she answered it. Maybe you were having trouble with her humor mixed with the studies that she is fond of referencing. And she doesn't always write in simple sentences, which might be throwing you off. But what is "a lot of yuhundra BS"? Another attempt to kiss up to Lise by using her favorite expressions - incorrectly? You're such a funny "cutie" yourself. Or is it "hottie" today?
LW1 is a slime ball, no two ways about it. He can't even be honest with himself, much less his own wife, as in: "I'm happily married and I've never cheated on my wife, but I would risk everything for her and want to meet her for an intimate encounter." And he calls that "happily married" because he's willing to "risk everything" for sex? What a freakin' idiot! I just hope his wife finds out how he defines "happily married" before she invests too much more in the relationship.
As for LW2, I dunno - live by the sword, die by the sword. If the extent of your communication with a stranger is a few e-mails and tweets, don't be surprised when you get dumped the same way. There's no evidence that the woman who cancelled is "a player" as bobaloo says, but it is clear that, for whatever reason, she didn't want to meet. End of story.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Tue May 7, 2013 2:44 PM
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LW1 -
"I'm perplexed. She cheated on her first husband with me, and we had lots of fun. I thought the leopard couldn't change its spots."
Well, perhaps she loves her present husband far more (and better) than she loved the one she divorced. Or perhaps she actually MATURED and developped values (such as gratitude and loyalty), which you obviously have yet to do. We all make mistakes. People of worth are the ones who recognise their mistakes, learn from them, and refuse to repeat them. Apparently, you're not one of them.
P.S.: I feel sorry for your wife. Yrrrch.
P.P.S.: "How could it be okay for her to cheat then and not now?" Newsflash, Mister Leopard: it never was. She woke up. You're still asleep.
LW2 -
"At what point do you owe somebody more than the briefest possible blow-off?"
Much futher than the point YOU were - you hadn't even met. Take a deep breath, smooth your ruffled feathers already and get over yourself. Entitled much? Count yourself lucky she had the decency to cancel, as opposed to letting you get there and wait in vain, as happened to me more than once. Sheesh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
@Bobaloo
"Yurunda", not "yuhundra" - ;-D
Comment: #6
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue May 7, 2013 6:23 PM
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LW1, wow, you are stupid on so many levels, you could make a living doing impressions of the Empire State Building.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Jane
Wed May 8, 2013 2:56 AM
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LW1: Wow, a married man who honestly believes that a woman, who is married to somebody else, owes him sex, and "spurns" him by not giving him any. How cute. Also, next time you proposition a woman that's not your wife, don't do it on Facebook, it is famous for its privacy leaks. I honestly don't care that your wife may find out, but you'll drag another, possibly innocent, person, into the muck with you, and that's just not cool.
LW2: I've canceled first dates on the day of, when the guy has given me a bad or weird vibe, bad enough for me to have reason to believe that it might not be safe for me to go on this date. I found that in that case, giving the guy an explanation does not help. Instead, it gives him an opening to beg, plead, explain how he's not like that, or how he is like that but will stop being like that right now, and how we should still have that date. So chances are, you may have inadvertently given off that kind of vibe at some point in your last-minute emails or texts or even in a last-minute update to your profile (one of the dates I canceled was because the guy added a shirtless bathroom cell-phone pic to his profile, when he already had a couple of those. I just thought it was too weird for me to handle.) Either way, one thing I found with online dating is, whatever happens, happens for the best. if a person cancels on you or doesn't want the next date, they're not a good fit and the date would've probably ended badly anyway. Hope you enjoyed your last-minute gift of a free evening, those are hard to come by! Good luck.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Goldie
Wed May 8, 2013 6:59 AM
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LW1--"I'm happily married and I've never cheated on my wife, but I would risk everything for her and want to meet her for an intimate encounter." Really?!? Stop acting so damned retarded. You're letting your dick think for you instead of using your brain. First and foremost, your first priority should be your wife and your marriage. That you're cavorting with a former fling on FaceBook and fantasizing about an intimate encounter with her, regardless of the fact that the fling herself has told you she too is married and uninterested in cheating, indicates to me that you're not very committed to your relationship. That should be your biggest concern right now, not putting both yours and your fling's marriages in jeopardy because you're horny and want to fulfill some fantasy. My advice is to stop wondering why your former girlfriend isn't interested in jeopardizing HER marriage to sleep with a pig like you and unfriend her. Then, leave her alone and focus your energies on working on your marriage. It desperately needs it! If you're not interested in doing that, than have the balls and the decency to let your wife go before you go sowing your wild oats on the sly. You're the reason why many women think men are pigs!
LW2--Honey, wake up and drag yourself into the twenty-first century. In today's high tech world of texting and instant everything it has become the norm to use such informal forms of communication to relay practically any information. Apparently that also includes blowing off a potential hook-up. Stop obsessing over this and simply forget it and move on. But, don't be surprised if it happens again and again.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Chris
Fri May 10, 2013 2:50 PM
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Re: Chris
"You're letting your dick think for you instead of using your brain."
I don't think he ever had a brain. Whatever serves him in lieu of is in his parts anyway. That''s exactly what you call a prick - that's the only functional part of his anatomy.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat May 11, 2013 5:30 AM
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