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Code Goo
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Witchful Thinking
I'm a retired pastor in my 50s. A nearby church wanted my help with their Christmas musical, and I asked my wife of five years, who played bass at my church, to join me. She became angry at this suggestion and said I should do my own thing on …Read more.
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Hot Serial
My boyfriend wants to marry me. I love him, but settling down with one person seriously concerns me. The only times I ever feel like getting married are fleeting moments when I feel insecure. I love serial monogamy. I'm 36, and have enjoyed these consistently fulfilling two-year relationships since high school. It is so exciting. If the person just puts their hand on my knee, I almost die of ecstasy! I relish every moment, everything they say and do, their every quirk and nuance. Developing these relationships into solid, communicative, balanced partnerships is rewarding, but after about two years, while I love the person and know them so well...well, I know them so well! The sparks have faded. Still, how long can I keep this up? Should I settle down? I don't want kids, so don't factor that in. — Unsettled
There comes a time in a girl's life when she's looking for that special dozen.
If only you could see how miserable serial dating is making you. Just reread your words: "It is so exciting! ...I almost die of ecstasy." (Almost dying of ecstasy is so overrated.) Surely, you'd be happier if only you'd get the white dress and get with the program: "We're gathered here today to join two people, one of whom is scared out of her pantyhose that she'll end up an old cougar preying on recent college graduates in a bar."
You'll be a hard woman to propose to, considering you're only tempted to get fitted for the old ball and chain during "fleeting moments" when you feel insecure. What's the guy supposed to do, wait till he notices you gnawing your cuticles, and really quick, drop down on one knee? And what then? While many couples these days do write their own vows, "till dull do us part" probably isn't going to fly. Yet, this seems to be what works for you, not because you're a commitment-phobe, but because you're a commitment realist. That's why you walk the walk (right out the door when it gets boring), unlike those who only talk the talk: "If you love something, set it free..." but if you really love something, make sure it gets bogged down with a bunch of legal hassles if it ever tries to leave.
The path you're taking isn't without risks. As helpful marriage-minded types have surely informed you, you could die alone and be eaten by your cat. Of course, if you marry, you could still die alone and be eaten by your cat. Even worse, you could die alone while you're still very much alive and married. And yes, some women have an increasingly hard time finding dates as they get older. This doesn't mean all women will. Because men value youth and beauty, you need to stay in shape and take care of your skin. (Forget the $300 ampules of hydrogenated sheep urine; just be sure your sunblock protects, not only against UVB, but the UVA rays that make skin look like Sacagawea's moccasin.)
Your attitude, of course, is a strong selling point: A guy can keep the ring, his genetic material, and the granite countertops; you'll stick around as long as the fun outweighs the unfun. At some point, chasing newness may start getting old. That would be your cue to seek a more predictable form of novelty — like marveling at how the same old man always manages to keep it fresh: every night, coming up with hours of new and irritating throat-clearing noises. "Honey, is that you?" you call from the kitchen, "Or has a wounded brontosaurus slipped into the living room?"
Gnarly And Me
This girl I'm seeing is great in so many ways, but I'm not a fan of dogs, and she has the worst kind — small, yappy, needy, and smelly. I'm turned off and grossed out that she lets it sleep in the bed and "kiss her face," and basically caters to its every need. I know I sound petty, but I'm seriously considering backing out. — Disgusted
Nothing makes a guy want to kiss a girl like seeing that a dog got in there first. I know, I know, a dog's mouth is cleaner than...the dumpster behind the fast-food Chinese place? Dog owners typically claim otherwise — sometimes, at the moment you're observing that a dog's tongue can go all sorts of places a human's can't. This relationship might've had a chance if her dog were some old mutt that occasionally wandered in from the yard. Instead, it's essentially a loud, smelly article of clothing she never takes off. Considering the strength of your disgust, backing out is anything but petty. In the future, inquire about pet ownership early on, and steer clear of any girl who hears the term "doggie style" and gets all excited about dressing little Trixie up as a bee.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
COPYRIGHT 2009 AMY ALKON
DIST. BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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Comments
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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Who made you the queen of monogamy? There is such an orientation as being polyamorous, and it sounds like this woman needs to read "The Ethical Slut", and get with the program.
Comment: #1
Posted by: stardoggedmoon
Wed May 6, 2009 8:26 AM
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Hey, any guy who doesn't want my dog along with me can take a hike. Probably why I have a dog and don't give a rat's behind if I have a guy . . . . . . .
Comment: #2
Posted by: Chal
Wed May 6, 2009 11:12 AM
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Re: stardoggedmoon. The LW isn't "polyamourous," she's committment-phobic and immature. She loses interest and moves on when the excitement fades, more interested in pleasing herself than with someone else...enraptured by that excitement that exists in the first year (or two) of a relationship. If this "works for her," so be it, but I suspect one day she'll wake up and realize that she's missed out on having someone to grow old with, who's been there through years and years of good times and bad. What, are you telling me they now have thought up a special sexual orientation just for people who relationship-hop? As for the book you suggested, it sounds like trash based on the title alone.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Matt
Thu May 7, 2009 12:02 AM
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Re: Chal. You sound like every other miserable spinster I've run across. Personally, I think there's something wrong with people who place their pets above human companionship. If I ran across a gal with your attitude, I'd wish her the best of luck, then walk away shaking my head in disgust. Enjoy your pets and hobbies, but don't be surprised if you one day realized that you've missed out on a lot. See my response to stardoggedmoon.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Matt
Thu May 7, 2009 12:05 AM
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Re: Matt, why don't you try actually reading a book before judging it. It's about communication in non monogamous relationships. These work for a lot more people than you'd expect. I AM poly, and it IS an orientation. Just because your bigoted, dominating, patriarchy oriented mind can't fathom it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
And being poly doesn't mean serial monogamy. Serial monogamy is what many poly people try BEFORE "coming out" so to speak. Serial monogamy is more dangerous on many levels than polyamory done the right way is.
Comment: #5
Posted by: stardoggedmoon
Thu May 7, 2009 1:51 AM
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Oh, and Matt... If I ran across a guy with your attitude, I'd shake my head in disgust and walk away from you. How does your fragile little ego feel about that?
Comment: #6
Posted by: stardoggedmoon
Thu May 7, 2009 1:55 AM
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Re: stardoggedmoon. Well, we agree then. I've got my moral house in order, you do not. Glad we could come to an understanding. By the way, you're not going to get far with any man if you call him "bigoted, dominating, and patriarchy oriented." You sound like one of those bitter, anti-male, hateful little hyperfeminist harpies. I am far from the only male out there that you have already alienated.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Matt
Thu May 7, 2009 7:48 PM
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Re: stardoggedmoon. Oh, and your book. The other day, I was running through the park, and ahead of me, a man was walking his dog. As I watched, the dog stopped, squatted, and unloaded a pile of crap onto the path. As I ran by the pile, I did not feel any need to sniff it, touch it, or take a bite out of it in order to make sure it was really crap. Any book that advocates sleeping around (which is what a "slut" does), or otherwise having sex outside of marriage, and trying to make ethical behavior out of that (whatever that means) sounds like crap. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know crap when I see it.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Matt
Thu May 7, 2009 7:52 PM
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Re: Matt, HA! I have a male fiance AND a girlfriend, so that puts your theory to shame. And yeah, I do want to alienate jerks like you. Don't get in such a tither over a woman you can't "own". And don't start playing the christian moral game mr. mysogyny. Trust me, I'm way more moral than you, I don't oppress other people.
Comment: #9
Posted by: stardoggedmoon
Fri May 8, 2009 8:45 AM
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Re: stardoggedmoon
Dear Star, I am not unfamiliar with your lifestyle choice, but if you really were comfortable with your choice would not be so hostile in your defense of it. Of the examples I know jealousy always becomes a factor. That is just human nature. I think both you and Matt are being very ham-fisted in expressing your opinions. There is no need for Matt to "get with the program." If you want respect for your choices you also have to be respectful of his. ---
Dear Matt, The concept of mutual respect is expressed in Matt 11:17, or is it 17:11? I can't remember. I know that my words will not change Star's mind. Only time and experience will show her the inevitable failure of polyamory. Good luck to both of you.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Kate
Mon May 11, 2009 5:18 AM
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There's a problem with these "Creators Syndicate" comment sections and I'm sure everyone here has noticed it. I'm referring to the fact that the comments don't appear in order. You have to search the order yourself, first by date then by time. It's VERY ANNOYING!!! Other sites list comments in order. Personally I like the ones where the earliest comments are first and the last, last so you can read the progression of comments and comments on previous comments in the correct succession. ------ Okay, enough for my pet peeve today unless anyone else would like to comment on my comment. ------- Regarding this whole discussion on lw1 and her committment problem: sorry ladies, but I have to agree with Matt on this. I can sort of see your viewpoint, but I'm old (60) and have been around the block a bit. I've seen the problems these "alternative" lifestyles can create but I don't think we need further discussion on that now. If that's the way some people choose to live their lives, that's their choice. First, I have to agree with Matt that the letter writer's problem is really that of commitment as he says. She doesn't say she likes having more than one love at a time; she just gets tired of the relationship after a couple of years and just can't think she'd ever be happy committed for the rest of her life to one man. I was going to say that I don't have an answer for her other than that she's immature; however she's 36 and that's past the point where she should have gained that maturity. I suspect she should see a therapist to help her find out why she's having a commitment problem. Sure some of the "spark" cools down after awhile, but a deeper relationship remains and she's missing out on that part. Until she figures things out and is sure she can remain committed to a marriage, she shouldn't marry. She may very well have a happy life without marriage. Not all people need to marry and it's a truism that not marrying is better than being in a miserable marriage. There's no point of getting married just because it's "expected" of you and then be miserable for the rest of your life. Of course there are problems in some marriages as well as the alternative lifestyles. The difference is that in marriage, the partners are more likely to try to work out their differences than in "loose" free-style relationships. But I'm guessing that there are people who are happier in those "alternative lifestyles" than they would be following the norm. It would be really nice if some REALLY old people who have been living that way their entire adult lives would weigh in on this topic and tell us how their lifestyle has affected them and their families. -- Regarding the pet vs. human romantic relationship, it doesn't have to be one or the other. It's just that some people, like myself and presumably Matt, who don't like kissing someone who's been kissing the pet. I'm sure there are other people out there who don't mind at all. I'm absolutely certain there are men who are fine with it. Think of it as just a difference or a preference such as some people are vegetarians and some are not, some people like to hunt and fish and others don't and don't want to marry someone who does. It certainly isn't something to be all angry about.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Pat
Tue May 12, 2009 9:42 AM
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