Bye Now! (Pay Later)
There's never a good time to break up with your girlfriend, but there is a really bad time, and that's what I chose. I did it over the phone as she was boarding a plane to attend her best friend's wedding. I thought it would be good for her to be with friends after hearing the news, but it ruined her weekend. She pretty much thinks I'm a terrible self-centered idiot, and she's right. Here's the good part: I want her back. I'm really not sure why I did it in the first place. I guess I thought she'd be better off without me, and enjoy city life while she's young and single. (She's 26, I'm 31.) Now I can't sleep, eat, or think without her, but she won't even talk to me. We used to love sitting in a chair together and reading your column on weekends. I'd give anything to be back in that chair with her, reading this and your answer. — Heartbroken
Accidents do happen. If you aren't careful, you might walk into a plate glass window or methodically go on the Internet to gauge the exact time your girlfriend's plane is leaving, dial her cell, wait for her to answer, and — whoops! — announce that you're dumping her...just in time for the flight attendant to announce "Please turn off all electronic devices, and sit back and enjoy your flight."
There actually is a good time to break up with somebody, and it's when you're sure the relationship's over. Accordingly, there's a good time to figure out why you're breaking up, and that's before you do the deed. And, why did you break up with your girlfriend? Here's the good part: You're still not sure! Luckily, you don't let that stop you from spinning this as some benevolent act on your part. Yeah, sure, you only dumped her to make her happy. You just want her to enjoy herself while she still has her youth. (After all, at 26, she only has six decades before she needs a hip replacement.)
Want to do a good deed? Buy a homeless guy new shoes and a turkey sandwich. Want to do right by your girlfriend? Figure out why you dumped her. Commitment issues? Pre-emptive abandonment (ditching her before she ditches you)? Only if you let her know exactly what she's dealing with can she assess whether it makes sense to give you another shot, in a way she can't with "it was just one of those random acts of blithering idiocy."
If you've had a pretty good record with her up till now (you've never left her at the mall or anything), you might be able to worm your way back in.
You need to express deep remorse for what you did and beg her to take you back (be specific about why she's so great and why you're great together). Of course, getting her to even talk to you will take an act of romantic restitution. (Think John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler, standing under his girlfriend's bedroom window, boom box over his head, blasting Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes.") Women are suckers for a having a great romantic story to tell, especially one where the guy shows that he gets what an idiot he was to ever take the woman for granted — and not just because he called a friend: "Broke up with her this morning." Friend: "Dude. She was hot. What'd you do that for?" Guy: "Damn, you're right. I'll call back and tell her I was just messing around."
Mouth Trap
I really like this guy I've started dating. We've only kissed once. He's not a great kisser. Can you teach somebody to kiss better? My girlfriends say a bad kisser is a dealbreaker. — Wondering
With friends like yours, Snow White would still be in a coma. The prince would maybe put too much saliva into the kiss, and she'd wake up for a moment — just long enough to exclaim, "Eeeuw! You kiss bad!" — then pull the silk pillow over her head and go back to bed for the rest of her life.
Come on, the guy kissed you once. Even criminals get a second chance. You can't change a man's character, but you can whisper in his ear, "softer" or "a little slower." Don't make it about what he's doing wrong but about what you really like. Kiss him the way you want to be kissed. If need be, tell him what turns you on, like how you love gentle biting on your bottom lip (as grateful as you are to have discovered what it's like to close your eyes and be licked upside the mouth by a romantically minded Great Dane).
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle to Beat Some Manners into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2010 AMY ALKON
DIST. BY CREATORS.COM
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7 Comments | Post Comment
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Yup, LW1 is pretty much a terrible self-centered idiot all right. Maybe he did it because he just wanted to see what she'd do. Now he knows. I can't imagine how the ex-girlfriend would take him back knowing he was capable of something like this out of the blue.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed Sep 1, 2010 6:16 AM
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LW1: Dude, I'd bet anything that you chose that particular time to break up with her because 1) you were too cowardly to do it in person and 2) there was some big event where you wanted to present yourself as "single" for that weekend. I can't believe anyone would be so thick as to think that what you did was considerate of her feelings. Because, yah, she's not a little wind-up doll that you can take out and put away when something distracts you -- she DOES have feelings that you don't seem to care anything about. Let us count the ways -- YOU wanted her to enjoy single life in the city (yah, right), never mind whether she wanted to or not, YOU wanted to break up right then, never mind that she was boarding a plane en route to a WEDDING (where friends are NOT going to be focused on consoling her) and might want to talk over this abrupt change and now YOU want to get back with her even though SHE has displayed a goodly amount of intelligence and made it clear she doesn't want to.
You say you enjoy reading this column. Doesn't sound like any of it's stuck with you. I think Amy was too easy on you, and put bad idea in your head. Too many guys think a "grand romantic gesture" is one that puts the gal on the spot publicly, like those horrible Jumbotron marriage proposals at an MLB game.
The kindest thing you could do for her would be to send 1 more message -- flowers, e-mail, letter, whatever, in which you sound a WHOLE lot more sorry for disrespecting her feelings than you did here. And you sign off by letting her know that you do INDEED respect her feelings and will not be pushing her further. You do not want to be creepy stalker guy -- you must give her room to show that you have indeed changed. And should she take your sorry rear end back, you need to remember to treat her the way you would like another person to treat you -- as a person who knows his own mind, needs and desires.
Comment: #2
Posted by: hedgehog
Wed Sep 1, 2010 11:10 AM
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I suspect that LW1 actually had some good reasons for splitting up with his girlfriend...he's only in denial about them now because he's finding himself waxing nostalgic about the "good times" like sitting around reading this column together. I have been there, done that - ended horrible relationships, then turned right around and tried to get the woman back because I suddenly found myself alone and missing the good times. I think LW1 just needs to give it a rest. Let it go, ask himself why he did it, and try to move on. Getting over the end of a relationship is never easy. As to his timing, only he can answer that question, but it really doesn't matter much as to why he picked that moment. Is there every really a good time to tell someone you don't want to be with her anymore?
Comment: #3
Posted by: Matt
Thu Sep 2, 2010 2:16 AM
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This "heartbroken" guy is upset because she won't talk to him. I bet he expected her to be the heartbroken one and beg him not to leave. He wants her back because she doesn't want him. If she's willing to get back together, it won't be long before he gets bored again.
Comment: #4
Posted by: D
Thu Sep 2, 2010 11:44 AM
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Hey LW1, Man Up!!!! You are a jerk. Even if you get back with the young lady in question, you'll find some other reason to dump her. You only want her back because she won't take you. If she did, I (if I were you) would be worrying about what a basket case she is to reunite with someone who treatee her the way that you did. I have daughters and granddaughters. If I could, I'd try some of your honor on, Pal.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Jobe
Thu Sep 2, 2010 1:07 PM
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I dated a guy in college who was such a sloppy kisser that he slobbered off my make-up from my nose to my chin. I've never let a dog lick inside my mouth like my sister did with our dog, but I think this had to have been close. I tried to teach him to kiss by example, but he said he didn't like that my mouth was so small. Apparently he thought he was supposed to cover his dates mouth with his. Or it is a fight to cover the other ones mouth? Anyway, it didn't work and after that I didn't date anyone for nearly a year.
Oh, and LW1, a guy broke up with me on the outgoing message of his answering machine once, his roommate said, "if you're trying to reach Tom or Dick, leave a message, if you're trying to reach Harry, he doesn't want to speak to ANYONE anymore" and that was how he split up with me. Another guy broke up with me AFTER we had sex on Valentine's day. Another guy broke up with me the day before my birthday. But what LW1 did, takes the cake. What a boob. Now I don't feel so bad about what happened to me.
I really wish the dumped girlfriend could have turned it around on him and had the best weekend of her life instead. One of my friends, "Olivia" thought she had found the one, and after he "Brian" got someone else pregnant "Janet" and married Janet on a weekend he was supposed to take Olivia away for a romantic weekend. His honeymoon weekend was the plans he had made for Olivia. When a mutual friend "Gretchen" ran into him a few weeks later, he expressed deep sadness and concern for Olivia to Gretchen. Gretchen laughed and told Brian, "oh you are so funny Brian, Olivia didn't like you THAT much! She's great".
Comment: #6
Posted by: Chelle
Fri Sep 3, 2010 11:46 AM
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Re: Chelle. Your story is sad, and yet funny all at the same time. Thanks for sharing. You're certainly right when you point out that living well is the best revenge, on former lovers who dumped you.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Matt
Fri Sep 3, 2010 5:32 PM
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