My New Job

By Robert Goldman

November 24, 2016 5 min read

It's inappropriate, I know, to use this public space for personal correspondence, but I simply must give a major shoutout to an individual who has offered me the job of a lifetime.

Yes, Nona Stephenson, I'm talking about you, and the job offer I received via email from your "global logistics, transportation and manufacturing organization."

Since I don't know you, Nona, I can only thank my lucky stars that I disabled my spam filter moments before your email arrived. (May I say, it is frustrating to think how lucrative my career track might have been if it wasn't for that darn spam filter. Ever since I rid myself of that spam filter I've had any number of opportunities to act as the U.S. representative for Ukrainian law firms. I now receive at least three of these offers a week, and they're sweet deals, believe me. In exchange for simply sending a credit card number guaranteeing that I will deliver 25 percent of certain offshore estates to the proper recipients, I would be able to keep an absolutely fair 75 percent for myself, less expenses, of course, and, let's face it, I don't work cheap.)

Fortunately, this time, your good news came right through, unfiltered. How fortuitous that during what I am sure was a rigorous job search my "email was found by our company via employment job board for Analyst of Procurement."

Or maybe, instead of fortuitous, I should say miraculous. I don't believe I have ever posted a resume on an employment job board, Nona, since employment is something I work hard to avoid, nor do I have any experience as Analyst of Procurement, but if my lack of experience isn't going to stop you, it certainly isn't going to stop me.

(By the by, I do not recognize the name of your company, possibly because you, inadvertently, I'm sure, did not include it in your email. It must be a fine, upstanding company if you picked me to take on this position, so this omission will certainly not deter me.)

I appreciate your candor in writing that "we have received many applications for this position and the screening process is still in progress."

No surprise there. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to take a job in a field they know nothing about at a company they don't know? And believe me, you, my enthusiasm had nothing to do with learning that the "basic payment starts from $89,000.00 to $130,800.00 a year."

Now, Nona, I don't want to focus on the issue of compensation, especially since you assure me that "also I will have flexible schedule and package of benefits: standard company health, life and dental insurance coverage."

This is extremely generous, considering that my teeth are nothing less than a disaster area, and a complete restoration project will be required if I am to present the smiling visage we both expect from a senior representative of your company, whatever it is. I will also need what is called "a grill," which must be rendered in 24-carat gold with mine-cut diamond accents.

About $75,000 should cover it, easy. We'll just call it a signing bonus.

As to my duties, I'm afraid there may be a teeny-tiny problem. You write that one of my main tasks is to "monitor a team of Procurement Managers and provide instructions to them." This is not something with which I feel comfortable. First, I'm pretty sure that a procurement manager is a higher position on the old org chart than an analyst of procurement. How awkward is that! Plus, I do not like telling people what to do, especially if those people are procurement managers, who are sullen, sulky and tend to punch you in the face for almost no reason at all. So, no way I'm not doing that.

Also, I don't think a person in my position should be required to "do inventory and provide administrative support as required." I didn't spend eight years at Stanford University achieving an advanced degree in wood shop to get coffee for a bunch of global logistics yahoos.

On the other hand, I am an "excellent time manager," one of the "conditions" you require. It only took me three weeks to decide to respond to your offer, which also proves I qualify for the condition of "excellent decision making skills."

After all, I am responding to your email. That's right, Nona. I'm in, 110 percent.

All you have to tell me is where I should send my credit card number.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected] To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

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