Rejection stinks.
It doesn't matter if the rejection comes from the love of your life or from your application to join the Hugabbug Club. (Hate to tell you, but Auntie Bumble blackballed you.)
Now, there is something even worse than getting rejected by a person, a job or an organization.
Now, you also can get rejected by a robot.
It's true! Last time you were rejected for a job, it wasn't an unfeeling, uncaring individual that couldn't see your true worth. It was an unfeeling, uncaring algorithm.
You can't blame the algorithm, of course. It was just doing the job it was programmed to do — make your life miserable. But you can take issue with companies that employ robots to make hiring decisions.
I learned about this sad state of affairs from Jack Kelly, a human being, I believe, and an executive recruiter. As a contributor on Forbes website, Kelly states that "corporations are frantically adopting technology in all aspects of the recruiting process to drive out traditional human interactions."
This could be good for you. Human interactions have never been your strong suit, though you do get along well with Mr. Feathers, your parakeet. (What a better world it would be if hiring decisions were turned over to parakeets. All you'd need to get a job would be a handful of birdseed and a fresh copy of The Wall Street Journal to put on the bottom of their cages.)
Before you blame the soulless corporations for employing soulless computers to make hiring decisions, consider this — the person to blame may be you.
Popular job-hunting hangs, like LinkedIn and Monster, make it incredibly easy to apply for a job as a neurosurgeon, a popcorn vendor, or a popcorn vender who does neurosurgery on the side. Click enough times on "apply now" buttons and your resume will appear in the inboxes of dozens of companies. (Except LinkedIn and Monster, of course. They're not interested in hiring you. They told me so.)
Like it or not, to successfully deal with robots, you will have to speak robot.
This is where Kelly comes in. His informative article is full of "useful tips for getting around the evil, robot screeners."
Like putting keywords from the job description in your application. Robots aren't readers; they're counters. So, if you are applying for a job as a lawyer, it's important to use the word "lawyer" as much as possible. Even if you write, "As a lawyerly lawyer, I think lawyers will agree that lawyers are greedy slime balls," the robot will approve. They may even agree.
You are also advised to use the "old-fashioned fonts Ariel, Courier or Times New Roman." (FYI, I use Times New Roman to write this column. That's how I know 99 percent of my readers are robots.)
And don't use exotic file types like PDFs and JPEGs. Use vanilla Microsoft Word. You won't be able to include a photo of yourself in your Speedo, but you can use Word to describe your hyacinth-blue eyes, full, sensuous lips and perfectly toned body. Sound cheesy? Not if you use Times New Roman.
Kelly further cautions that "robots tend to be elitists and like candidates from top-tier universities." If you attended a bottom-tier university, it's not a problem. Since robots are simply picking out key words, regardless of context, feel free to write, "I was rejected by Harvard and I have a Stanford University beer koozie."
You are also advised against "white fonting." This is the practice of typing endless repetitions of key words in the margins of your resume. A human reviewer can't see the invisible words, but a robot will eat them up.
Noting 50 iterations of "highly motivated out-of-the-box-thinker," the robot is sure to pick you as a "must interview immediately" candidate. The danger is that when you eventually do meet with a human, they will quickly realize that you are totally in the box and not at all motivated to get out.
They may also think that you are sneaky and dishonest. But this is not necessarily a bad thing.
Sneaky and dishonest — that's what they're looking for.
Perhaps the best solution to the resume-reading robot is to get a resume-writing robot to write your application. Who better than robot to understand what another robot wants? "OO111b80101" may seem like gibberish to you, but to a resume-reading robot it means, " your RISC architecture makes my CPU run at 150 MHz."
Now that's the way to get a job.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.
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