Bad news, bub:

Everything you know about working is wrong.

Well, maybe not everything. You still have to suck up to your boss, and it still is something of a positive if your mother is the CEO of the company, but the simple day-to-day, hour-to-hour behavior that was essential to success has changed.

If you doubt me, ask William Arruda.

Arruda is the author of "7 Business Activities That May Change Forever as a Result of the Coronavirus," a recent post on Forbes.

"Businesses are re-thinking common workplace activities," he writes, which is sure to be a surprise to those of us who thought our businesses never thought at all. As for the seven changes to expect, what follows is a change you'd never expect: You might actually learn something from reading this column.

No. 1: Greetings

The handshake is history — bad news for those of us who have spent years developing a frail flounder grip that says, "I guess I have to meet you, but I really don't want to." The elbow bump is a contender to replace the handshake, but frankly, the only reason to raise your elbow is if the end of your arm is attached to a growler of well-hopped IPA.

A bow works well in East Asian countries, and the double- or even triple-kiss is very chic in Europe, but I doubt you have much of a passion for bowing to your HR rep or triple-kissing your IT nerd. This leaves only one perfect substitute: the executive curtsy.

To show respect to your managers, you will need to go full "Downton Abbey." Be the first in your team to humble yourself by genuflecting deeply when your supervisor comes into the room. Just be prepared. Going down is easy, but you will want to have several husky co-workers nearby to help you get up.

No. 2: In-Person Meetings

You've mastered the art of hiding your disdain behind a laptop at the far end of the conference table. A close-up in a virtual meeting could let everyone see the contempt on your face when your manager starts to speak. Better sign up with Samuel L. Jackson's MasterClass in acting, but be careful. Sam did not win any awards for best performance of a subservient flunky. (Worst part of virtual meetings — no donuts.)

No. 3: Team Events

"The Thursday night bowling event or Friday chug and hug could go away for a time or forever," predicts Arruda in what may be the only piece of good news to come out of the coronavirus pandemic. You will also be spared those HR-inspired team-building exercises that require you to fall backwards into the arms of your co-workers, thus generating confidence, team spirit and incontinence.

On the positive side, without all this forced togetherness, you might find that you actually like your teammates. Nothing like being locked away with your unruly children and your psycho Super Doodle for weeks on end to make you appreciate the annoying losers you work with.

No. 4: Interviewing Candidates

If your company is hiring, forget about in-person interviews. The entire process will take place in cyberspace and be totally data-driven. By not letting unworthy candidates charm their way into jobs, your company may start hiring competent, committed employees who will make you look really bad in comparison.

No. 5: Conferences and Tradeshows

Forget about buzzing off for the annual, all-expenses-paid industry romp. There will be no hospitality suites and no free merch for you. Arruda predicts a future of virtual exhibit halls and e-networking events, which are fine, but you will definitely miss calling home from the local police station, begging for bail.

No. 6: Going to Work Sick

This is a change for the better. If you ever had to convince a skeptical supervisor that your open-heart surgery made it impossible for you to come into work, those days are over. These days, an emergency mani-pedi is enough to get you a week off, at least.

No. 7: In-Person Talent Development Programs

If your company ever saw talent in you worth developing, don't expect to be swept off to some lavish, seaside resort to meet and mingle with other up-and-comers. The up-and-comers have up and gone home, where they can immerse themselves in the relevant, highly technical video training preferred by millennials and Gen Z workers, while you are left to improve yourself binging all 20 seasons of "Cheaters."

Concerned? Look at your company's management team.

Work may change, but there will always be a place at the top for those who can get paid for doing nothing, beautifully.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: geralt at Pixabay