No question, getting laid off is terrible. In fact, there's only one thing worse:

Getting promoted.

When you're laid off, everyone comforts you. When you're promoted, everyone hates you. They're all hoping you screw up, which may very well happen.

Let's face it: You're the kind of employee who works best in darkness. A promotion shines a spotlight on the work you're doing — or not doing. This will not end well.

It's not my purpose to shame you or blame you. It was never your intention to be picked for promotion. You simply made the mistake of doing something right, a rare blunder that caught the attention of your corporate overlords.

It's sad but true. You're just one of the dumb decisions your managers make every day.

If you are threatened with a promotion, act now, before the memo goes out. The Harvard Business Review can help. "How to Help Superstar Employees Fulfill Their Potential," a recent posting by Anthony J. Mayo, describes research on more than 3,000 applications to the school's "flagship High Potential Leadership Program."

This research can be helpful, even for those of us who graduated — with honors — from the "No Potential Leadership Program." All you have to do is discover what the High Potential program teaches, and do the exact opposite.

For example:

No. 1: High Potentials must recalibrate from individual accomplishments to collective success.

Once you are promoted, it is no longer enough for you to do well; your entire team must succeed. You're expected to understand what drives each individual and how you can best motivate them.

Your strategy here is simple. Instead of motivating, start alienating. Talk about how healthy it is that a co-worker is comfortable with the abject failure of their career goals. Constantly bring up past mistakes and squash new ideas with a hearty, "You've got to be kidding!"

Most important, let your manager know that everyone hates you. If you have done your best at making everyone feel their worst, it should be obvious, even to your oblivious manager. If not, close the door, pull the shades and explain that your co-workers have formed a secret cult dedicated to plotting against you.

This level of paranoia should prove that you work best when left alone, ideally in another office in another country, one with talcum-powder beaches and no personal income tax. If your manager continues with their plans to promote you, take immediate action. Form a secret cult dedicated to plotting against them.

Just be sure you are not elected Interstellar Guru or Hierophant Magus. Titles like these are catnip to upper management and are sure to get you promoted.

No. 2: High Potentials must increase their emotional intelligence.

Empathy and self-awareness are central tenants of emotional intelligence, so you will want to make it clear that you have neither. This is most easily done by choosing the right work wardrobe. If your office puts an emphasis on dressing well, you show up in your bathing suit. If everyone wears bathing suits, buy yourself a formal outfit. (Fashion note: tuxedos are best worn without a shirt. At least, that's what Timothee Chalamet tells me.)

Going against your office's sense of style — and everyone's sense of decency — demonstrates a level of emotional ignorance that will keep you out of the executive suite, guaranteed.

No. 3: High Potentials must have a learning mindset.

According to Harvard, leaders benefit from "moving outside of one's comfort zone."

Obviously, you must make it clear that your comfort zone starts and ends at the front door of the Kit Kat Klub, and you have no interest in stepping outside.

If convincing your managers that you don't want to learn anything new is not sufficient, demonstrate you're actively working hard to forgot everything you already know.

"What does this thingamajig do?" you might say, holding up your cellphone. "It keeps ringing and that spoils my afternoon nap."

You could also substitute an abacus for your computer or trade your Tesla for a donkey. Just don't use tarot card readings for your sales projections. They'll probably be more accurate and it could get you promoted.

If these strategies can't keep you from a catastrophic promotion, don't panic. Getting promoted gets easier the higher you rise in the org chart, and you could end up running the place.

And that's good news. With you in charge, the company is sure to crash and burn. Then no one would have to worry about getting promoted ever again.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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