Ten minutes.
That's all it took for you to figure out that your brand-new job was a real stinker.
And you had so much hope.
How much time had you spent hating your old job? How many job sites had you clicked on? How many interviews had you gone on?
Too many, that's how many.
But it finally paid off. They say there's an ass for every seat, and, wonder of wonders, you found your ass. So, you put in your notice, packed up your "Star Wars" action figures and wrote a scathing email to your old manager and his horse-faced spouse detailing every screwed-up aspect of the screwed-up way they ran their lives and their business.
You pressed send, and it was over. Goodbye, bad old job. Hello, totally wonderful and perfect new job.
Except it wasn't.
What to do when a new job goes sour is the subject of "Things You Can Do When You Hate Your New Job, " a recent article by Jen Hubley Luckwaldt on The Balance Careers website.
"Figure out whether the job is the problem" is step number one. Your discomfort may simply be part of an acclimation period. Think how long it took you to get acclimatized to Brussels sprouts. Or, the problem may be in your head. It is possible that no job will make you happy because you're basically a lazy slug who'd rather be home, sprawled out on the couch eating Milk Duds and binging "Krypton," than being out in the world working.
Whatever is wrong with you, you're not alone. "A CareerBuilder survey reports that 66 percent of workers have accepted a job and then realized it wasn't the right job for them," the article says. The survey found that "half of these employees quit within six months, while 37 percent stuck with the job."
(What happened to the remaining 13 percent is not explained. I assume they were the victims of a Martian incursion and are now unhappily employed at their new jobs, mining magnetite in the Erythraean Sea.)
If you need to work to do the fun things you enjoy, like eating, you are advised to "look for silver linings."
Can't think of anything to like? How about using your newbie status to wander the halls and find furniture to sell on Craigslist? Start with the furniture in your boss's office. See how long it takes before she realizes she no longer has a desk.
Hubley Luckwaldt also recommends you "keep that resume up-to-date." Of course, you will have to decide whether or not to include your new job on your resume, since "a two-week-long tenure at your latest job will raise some questions you probably don't want to answer."
This is good advice since you already have a passel of questions you don't want to answer, such as, "What is the capital of South Dakota?" and, "Why did the facilities team at your last job have to fumigate your cubical after you left?"
If none of these ideas makes your new job palatable, you may have to think the unthinkable — leaving your new bad job and returning to your old bad job.
Leaving was a mistake. An even bigger mistake was writing that resignation letter outlining all the blunders your former employers were making. Especially problematic were your comments on the equine appearance of your ex-manager's spouse.
Start the letter by explaining that compared to the blunders you committed while working at the company, the decision to resign was really a minor boo-boo. You could also add that while his spouse does have a horse face, you really like horses and would not be surprised if she won the Kentucky Derby.
To sweeten the deal, offer to bring with you valuable trade secrets pilfered from your new employer, which you will gladly give to your old employer if he will give you your job back. Explain that no special remuneration is required, but it might be a nice gesture to increase your former salary by 50 percent and deposit a whole bunch of Benjamins in your Swiss bank account.
This is also a good time to wipe the slate clean by admitting that you were the person who put super glue on the toilet seats in the executive washroom. Now that the fuss has subsided and the ambulances have left, everyone will agree it was a good joke and just the morale builder the company needed.
It will result in a wonderful reunion and make you totally content and happy in your old job — for 10 minutes.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at creators.com.
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