DR. WALLACE: My parents have been divorced for over three years, and my older sister (16) and I (14) live with our mom.
My dad has remarried, and he and his new wife have a baby boy. I visit them every other weekend, and I enjoy seeing my dad, but I'm not glad to see his wife. Lately, my dad has been telling me that he wants me to live with him and will go to court to see that he is given custody of me.
I love my dad, but I don't want to leave my mother. I'm really worried because he has a lot of money. Is it possible that the court would make me live with him? If that happened, I'd have to change schools. — Worried, Sugar Land, Texas
WORRIED: It's possible but not likely that your father could get custody of you. He would have to convince the court that your mother is not physically or mentally capable of continuing to be an effective parent. The judge would also allow you to express your feelings before any judgment is made. There are several factors much more important than money to determine which parent is granted primary custody of a minor.
"LOVE IS BLIND"
DR. WALLACE: My mom's boyfriend is an alcoholic. He doesn't live with us, but he spends a lot of time here and much of it is spent consuming alcohol. He's not so bad when he's not drinking, but that doesn't happen too often.
I keep telling my mother we don't need an unemployed alcoholic hanging around our house, but she says she loves him and plans to marry him as soon as I graduate from high school — which will be in less than a year. In the meantime, all this has ruined the family life I once had with my mother.
I shudder to think what her life will be like after she marries this guy. Mom works hard and makes a decent wage. This guy doesn't work because he has some sort of disability that pays him $900 a month.
After I graduate, I'm moving to Cleveland to live with my grandmother. I'll look for work there and possibly go to college, if my grandparents can afford it. I might get a scholarship because my high school grade-point average is above a 3.7. If my mother would stop seeing her boyfriend before I graduate, I'd continue to live with her. Without being a nag, what can I do to get her to realize this guy will make her life miserable as long as she's with him? — Distressed Debbie, Akron, Ohio
DEBBIE: Whoever said, "Love is blind" was onto something. Encourage your mother to get her boyfriend to stop drinking. A good start would be for him to join Alcoholics Anonymous. It would be very unwise for your mother to marry him while he still drinking this heavily and this often. Continue to remind her of this, and have trusted adults (ministers, counselors, friends) do the same.
If possible, you and your mom should go into family counseling. Mom calls it love, but there might be a hidden reason why she wants to keep him around the house, perhaps one that a family counselor might be able to uncover. Above all, be sure to keep loving and communicating with your mother. Showing nonjudgmental concern is always more effective than being a nag, which almost never brings about the desired result.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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