DR. WALLACE: I am 19 and have been married to my husband, who is 33, for the past seven months. We attend the same church, and he was also our Christian youth director. I come from a troubled home. My father was physically abusive to my mother and me, and I'm sure he's an alcoholic, or at least headed that way. I really like my new husband, as he's brought hope and stability to my life. When he asked me to marry him, I jumped at the opportunity to be his wife.
However, I have a best girlfriend who disapproves. She and I have been friends ever since we started first grade together. We bonded when we got to high school because she was in a similar situation at her house. Ever since I got married (against her advice), I haven't been able to spend a lot of time with her. We do talk on the telephone and occasionally go to lunch on Saturdays. Both of us are employed full-time.
The last few times I've been with my friend, she has said bad things about my husband. She always starts her remarks with, "I think you...." She's just speculating, and she's usually wrong. Last Saturday, she told me that he was way too old for me and that someday I'd wind up being his nurse and a lot of the years of my life would be wasted. She advised me to get a divorce now before we start having children.
I'm very happy living with my husband. I care for him very much (it might even be that I love him; I'm not sure yet). I'm getting tired of hearing negative remarks about my husband, but that bit about me being his nurse for years and years is sticking in my mind. I'll admit that doesn't sound like fun, but that's such a long way off in the future.
Is there anything I can do to get my friend to just relax and talk about pleasant things? I try to change the subject, but she always returns to belittling my man. What should I do? — Frustrated, via email
Frustrated: Your girlfriend is an unhappy young woman who foolishly thinks she can regain a full-time friend by spreading poisonous doubts about your husband. Simply put, she's jealous of your husband. By her incessant negativity, she's saying, "You have to choose him or me."
Well, the choice is obvious — it has to be your husband. Stop the lunches and phone calls with your friend for now. Write her a letter or an email and tell her that your husband is the most important person in your life. Mention that you don't appreciate her bad-mouthing him. Tell her you feel the two of you should take a break, at least for the time being, but that for the sake of the long-term relationship you've built with her, you'll consider resuming your friendship in the future.
Tell her that, if she can accept what you asked for, she should write you when she feels ready to resume your friendship. If she writes saying she's sorry for her unwanted remarks about your husband, then it's up to you to decide whether she's trustworthy and whether the friendship is worth continuing. If it is, do your best in your time together to steer your conversations toward topics you both enjoy. After all, this is likely what brought you two together as friends in the first place.
Just remember: You have the right to your own happiness, and no friend, no matter how longstanding, has the right to spoil it for you.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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