DR. WALLACE: I'm 17, and so is my very best friend. About three months ago, she met a guy at a party and started dating him. At first, she seemed very happy, but for the past several weeks, she seems depressed and afraid. It appears likely to me that she is being abused by this guy, physically or mentally or both. I can't stand him. He is arrogant and loud and appears to dominate my friend. It's as if he were king and she were his slave.
I've asked my friend whether she's being abused, and she denies it. I've encouraged her to drop this guy, but all she says is that she can't. What can I do to find out whether she is being abused, and if she is, what should I do to try to help her? She is a great friend and deserves to be treated right. — Anonymous, Peoria, Ill.
ANONYMOUS: In a booklet offered by Liz Claiborne, titled "What You Need To Know About Dating Violence," dating violence is defined not as an argument every once in a while but as a pattern of violent behavior that someone uses against a significant other. Abuse can cause injury, but it doesn't have to be physical. It can involve verbal and emotional abuse — constant insults, isolation from friends and family, name-calling, and controlling behavior, such as dictating the person's hair color and what the person wears. It can also include sexual abuse, including rape.
Dating violence can happen to anyone at any age, regardless of race, religion, education level and economic background. And it also occurs in same-sex relationships.
What should you do if you think your friend is in an abusive relationship? Most violence in a relationship takes place when the couple are alone. You might not see dramatic warning signs, such as black eyes and broken bones. So how can you tell for sure? Listen to your instincts. You probably wouldn't be worried without good reason. Here are some signs to look for that might mean your friend is in trouble and needs your help:
—When your friend and her boyfriend are together, he calls her names or puts her down in front of other people.
—He acts extremely jealous when she talks to other boys, even when it's completely innocent.
—She apologizes for his behavior and makes excuses for him.
—She cancels plans at the last minute for reasons that sound untrue.
—He's always checking up on her, calling or texting her, and demanding to know where she has been and whom she has been with.
—You've seen him lose his temper — and even break things — when he's mad.
—She seems worried about upsetting him or making him angry.
—She is giving up things that used to be important to her, such as spending time with friends, and is becoming more and more isolated.
—Her weight, appearance or grades have changed dramatically. These could be signs of depression, which could indicate abuse.
—She has injuries she can't explain, or the explanations she gives don't make sense.
You should have an honest chat with your friend's parents to voice your concerns for your close friend. Show them this information, and give them the toll-free number for the Loveisrespect hotline (866-331-9474). They should encourage their daughter to call if she feels even a twinge of physical or emotional discomfort caused by a relationship that has drifted out of control. Loveisrespect is for young adults and is a part of The National Domestic Violence Hotline. All calls are confidential and will be accepted 24 hours a day. If your friend is shy about calling at first, have her text "loveis" to 22522. She will receive a response from a peer advocate prompting her to ask a question in return. Even a short text message will receive a quick reply. This simple action could save a person in an abusive relationship from weeks, months or years of future agony and despair.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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