DR. WALLACE: I'm 18 and I'm dating a guy who will turn 20 next month. We met each other at work, and we get along pretty well. I've only been dating him for about three months, and the first six or seven weeks seemed to go by pretty well, but in the last month or so I've run into a problem that does bother me enough to write to you.

Ironically, both of our mothers actually know each other because they were co-workers in an office 10 years ago! They aren't necessarily close or anything, but they do keep in touch apparently from time to time. I found this all the hard way, because my mother somehow seems to know quite a bit about my dating life, where I was going with my boyfriend, how late I was staying out and so forth. I do live at home with my mom since she's a widow. We lost my father to an illness about five years ago.

What's strange is that my mom never seemed to butt into my personal life too much, but recently, she has made all kinds of interesting and sometimes snide comments about my current dating life. Now I know this is because she's getting all of her intel from my boyfriend's mother. What can I do about this? — Feeling Snooped Upon, via email

FEELING SNOOPED UPON: Of course, since you're an adult, you could ask your mother to please not discuss your personal life with you so often. On the other hand, you're living under her roof, and it may not be convenient for you to have to move out the house in case discussions escalate with your mother to the point you'd prefer to move — or she'd prefer you do so.

Therefore, my first bit of advice is to approach your mother carefully and do your best not to let any discussions with her become heated or edgy.

Your best bet may be to speak to your boyfriend about this. He may be inadvertently or even intentionally telling his mother specific details about your dates that his dear mother is telling your dear mother! He may be able to cut down on his discussions about your dating times, events and so forth.

To keep details to a minimum, you could meet him somewhere instead of having him pick you up at home or having you visit his home first before the two of you go out.

Realize that your two respective mothers will continue to talk even if the stream of information is reduced. Therefore, it may be wise to learn to live with a bit of parental snoopy behavior, but do your best to not feed it, and seek to limit it to a tolerable level. The alternative, of course, is to find another boyfriend, but if the two of you do get along well, I feel you owe it to each other to see this relationship through despite the challenges you each face on the homefront.

SHOULD I SAY WHAT'S GOING ON?

DR. WALLACE: I am amazed at how many of my girlfriends conspire behind other girls' backs to try to date their existing boyfriends! Just this summer alone I can think of three instances I've observed firsthand, and over the last school year I was aware of two other similar instances of this same behavior.

Needless to say, the two from our last school year ended badly for all parties involved. The three instances I'm referring to this summer are in the midst of playing out, and I see trouble on the horizon once again.

My question is, should I inform the girls who are unaware of what is being attempted behind their backs, or should I simply stay out of it? — Shaking My Head, via email

SHAKING MY HEAD: My advice is to think carefully before you simply spring into action and try to police everyone's relationship. It's tough enough for most teenagers to handle their own interpersonal relationships, especially dating relationships, without having to monitor and intervene in the relationships of others.

However, the degree of the acquaintance you have with each girl may play a factor here. If these three girls are simply casual friends, it's likely best to steer clear of everything that's going on. However, if one of them is a truly close friend or even a best friend of yours, then that may cause you to wish to pull her aside and quietly tell her what you've observed going on. And even if you do so, speak gently and in general terms because not everyone wants to hear this type of information and it may not necessarily be well received.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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