DR. WALLACE: My sister is insensitive to my boundaries, so how can I teach her to be respectful? I'm her older brother, and now I'm 17. She's only 12 and she tends to be a little precocious. There are times when I'm deeply immersed in studying in my room, working on a term paper or reading some very in-depth material from one of my classes. She'll come bouncing in, jabbering loudly about who knows what, and this will both break my concentration and frustrate me at the same time.

I certainly don't want to be mean to her, so sometimes I have to bite my lip hard, almost until it bleeds, to not say anything mean back to her as I know she doesn't intentionally do this to upset me.

What I want to know is how I can get her to respect my boundaries and understand that I need some peace and quiet in my room at certain times. It's not that I'm always studying; it could be, for example, that I'm on the telephone with my girlfriend having a serious discussion about something important to us. What can I do to be a good older brother to my sister but also maintain my sanity and get everything done that I need to get done? — An Exasperated Older Brother, via email

AN EXASPERATED OLDER BROTHER: spend some time talking quietly with her when you are not in your intense modes. Let her know how much you love her and how much you like talking to her about different things every day. But also let her know that since you're 17, you have a lot of different responsibilities that require your attention and deep concentration during certain hours of the day or night.

I suggest you set up a system with her where you can either close your door entirely and put a baseball hat on the doorknob so that she will see it and know that is a signal to give you the quiet time you require. Be sure to let your parents know about this in advance to gain their approval as well. If your family does not allow for a closed bedroom door policy, then leave your door slightly ajar but also leave the hat, scarf or bandanna on the doorknob so your little sister can clearly see it.

Finally, once she gets the hang of it and gives you the peace, quiet and privacy you require, reward her at a different time by doing something special for her. Buy her a small gift or treat that she especially enjoys and tell her that she's acting like a grown-up to be so respectful! I trust you'll both accomplish your goals and also bond even further with her.

HE HURT MY FEELINGS AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT

DR. WALLACE: My boyfriend hurt my feelings and it's not my fault. It's a long story, so I won't bore you with all the details, but he was out of line and should have known better.

I know he didn't do this intentionally to me, but because he doesn't always pay attention to things that are important to me, he occasionally makes mistakes that I feel he shouldn't be making. It's not like he went out with another girl or did something behind my back, but all the same I feel he let me down with his actions.

How can I get my boyfriend to pay more attention to knowing who I am, what's important to me and why certain things make me upset? — Hurt Feelings, via email

HURT FEELINGS: Make sure you communicate how you feel to him and why you feel the way you do. Explain why this particular event bothered you enough to hurt your feelings even though he didn't do it intentionally.

Part of being a couple is taking the time and making the effort to both understand your partner and to be as respectful to their particular likes and dislikes as possible and feasible. Some things are easy to adjust; others are much harder. Some are reasonable, while others can be potential deal-breakers. For each couple, communication is the key.

Do your best to explain all of this calmly when you are not currently upset. Select a time to bring this topic up once you two are already both in a good, happy and compatible mood. Start by telling him that it's important to you to understand him and to be there for him whenever possible. Explain that you proactively wish to be as symbiotic with him as you can. Then gently explain that you'd truly appreciate him doing some similar things for you as well. At this point you have your opening to calmly review the event/incident that caused you pain. Don't be accusatory as you explain this; rather, frame the discussion as a learning opportunity for each of you so that you both can seek the most compatibility with each other as possible.

If he truly cares for you, it's logical that he'd be open and receptive to avoiding unknowingly hurting your feelings in the future.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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