DR. WALLACE: I just graduated from high school in June. I've had a miserable home life ever since my mother died six years ago. My dad is a very undesirable person. I have the academic ability to attend college, but college is not my future for many reasons.
I've been dating my boyfriend for about four months. He's a nice guy and I like him very much. He treats me wonderfully. He works in construction (building residential houses) and is paid quite well. About a month ago, he said it would be neat if we ran away in got married. I told him to wait till I graduate and I would then consider it. I really want to get out of my house and I am seriously thinking about marrying him. I probably will never find a nicer guy. He is 21 and said he is ready to settle down and start a family.
My only problem is that I don't love him in the "in love" kind of way. If I do marry him, in time, will "like" turn into "love? I guess I'm inquiring if I should marry this nice guy and try to live happily ever after. He does love me and he is a good person. — Anonymous, Salt Lake City, Ut.
ANONYMOUS: You may not love him or you may simply not be ready to marry and settle down. It sounds to me like you really would like to attend college. That may be more possible than you think. Even if it isn't, it could be a goal that you work toward, by finding a job and moving out on your own.
To marry this particular young man simply to escape an unhappy home life is not a promising foundation for a successful marriage. If your home life had been wonderful and he asked you to marry him under those circumstances, what would your answer have been? Let that be your answer about marrying him now.
IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO
DR. WALLACE: My girlfriend and I have been living together for a while and we have a young daughter. Our relationship was great until my brother was killed in an accident. Things changed after his death. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder, acted like I didn't care what happened to me and treated everyone, including my girlfriend, like dirt.
Two weeks ago, she left me and moved back to Mexico. I don't know if she took off because of my nasty behavior or because she has found another guy. I still love the mother of my baby, but I also hate her for leaving me alone. Help! — Anonymous, Tucson, Az.
ANONYMOUS: Life teaches us harsh and sometimes irreversible lessons. I'm very sorry to hear about your brother's untimely death and can understand that it has created chaos of in your life. Alas, when you treat someone like dirt — no matter what type of "justification" is the reason for it — you often end up reaping what you sow.
If you treated your girlfriend badly enough, she and the baby may be gone for good. You say you still love her, but you also hate her for leaving you. As long as that anger and hatred are tainting your love, she is unlikely to return to you and, indeed, would be foolish to do so. If she wrote me asking for it advice, I'm sure I tell her not to. Why should she trust you?
Your only course of action is to apologize to her from the bottom of your heart and move on with your life. You should apologize not to get her back, but because it's the right thing to do. Hopefully you can remain in your daughter's life and if so, there may be an outside chance to reconcile with her mother. But don't count on it. Your future actions must be heartfelt, remorseful, consistent and stable to have any chance at all.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
View Comments