DR. WALLACE: My aunt recently told me that she has stage 3 breast cancer. I'm devastated beyond belief, as my aunt has always been like a second mom to me and she means more to me than I can express.

Ever since I was told the news, I haven't been able to think about anything else. I can't focus at work and in my classes, and I've been crying myself to sleep every night just thinking about all of the chemotherapy my aunt will have to undergo soon. Things have become so bad for me that I recently took off a full week of work and school because I couldn't function on a daily basis without breaking down.

Now I'm trying to resume life as normal, but I'm still consumed by worried thoughts and feelings of deep sadness. How am I supposed to carry out all of my responsibilities as if everything is normal when I know that someone I love so dearly is battling a life-threatening illness? — Devastated Niece, via email

DEVASTATED NIECE: Your feelings are normal and understandable, given the terrible news you've absorbed. Remember that even though you feel horrible, your aunt is no doubt feeling much worse since this illness is happening to her right now.

I advise you to first allow yourself time to grieve over this news and grieve over the pain and suffering your aunt will have to endure now going forward. Her ultimate outcome is unknown, so don't allow your mind to slip into a helpless mode.

I recommend that once you've had time to be sad, you do your best to move into a pragmatic mode. Start by reading up on and studying all you can on cancer and her particular illness and its associated challenges.

Stay in contact with your aunt. Call her, text her and let her know you are there to help her in any way you can. Believe it or not, keeping things as normal as possible is a big thing, especially to the person going through the challenge.

Resist the urge to give her any specific advice unless she specifically asks for it. You can and should offer to help her in any way that she might need in terms of transportation, support and even just by spending time with her in person. It's OK to tell funny stories about the past and to share a laugh or two! She's already working overtime on her tears and worries, so spending time with a loved family member like you can and should be a joy for the time you have together.

If you do wish to help her with her daily life, don't simply say, "Let me know what I can do." Instead, do your best to observe her and her life and even ask your parents about ways that you might be able to help her. It's far better to offer to help her with a specific task you know she likely could use help with rather than just making a broad, generic offer to help her in general.

Know that her moods will likely fluctuate and be prepared for her to react differently at different times. She'll always be grateful for your support, but she may or may not show it at all times.

A final key I'll recommend is to demonstrate consistency in your actions. Find the right level and frequency of your interactions with her and then keep that up no matter what. She will gradually count on you as a trusted support mechanism, and she'll need as many of these as she can get. So focus more on how you can help her rather than how badly you feel for her. Yes, you do need to grieve, but you'll help her far, far more with your loving, pragmatic support than with your grief.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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