Dear Family Coach: My husband and I contribute a lot of time and money to our daughters' elementary school. Our efforts often go unacknowledged and unappreciated. Lately the requests have become extensive, including bringing in money or supplies for the classroom. We know the school is underfunded, and we are fortunate enough to be in a position to provide the assistance. But at what point can we refuse to comply with the material and monetary donation requests? — Tapped Out Parents

Dear Tapped Out: As you so aptly point out, many schools are barely making ends meet. The budget doesn't allow for some of the basic needs in the classroom. Even in wealthy school districts there is an expectation that parents supply the extras, whatever those may be. While it may be frustrating, it has become the norm across the country.

Before making a firm decision on cutting the school off, think about what it is about the requests that is upsetting you. Is it that you give and give and give and no one seems to appreciate it? Are you legitimately feeling the financial strain? Or are you struggling with the principle that public education should be free and include art and classroom supplies? The answers to these questions will help you decide how to proceed.

If you feel underappreciated, let it go, or organize a thank-you breakfast for the parents. If you cannot afford to pay or do more, then don't. Lastly, if you don't agree with the funding priorities set in your location, then run for the school board, or at the very least start attending meetings to inform yourself of the related issues.

Dear Family Coach: I've been thinking a lot about the gifts I would like to get my kids and nephews for the holidays. They are all between the ages of 11 and 16. When asked, they all say they would like money so they can spend it as they like. But I feel so unenthusiastic about just giving money. I like to shop for them and find that special something. Should I give them what they say they want, or should I try to pick something out for them? — Shopper

Dear Shopper: It isn't unusual for teens to prefer spending money over any particular item chosen just for them. Their desire for money isn't personal or anything against your gifts per se. It is more about having the ability to pay for what they want when they want it. Cash provides freedom to hang out at Starbucks or head to the movies or save up for a car.

Having said that, I would not necessarily discourage you from deciding to ignore their requests and go out on your own. Gift giving is a joy, and it is your prerogative as the gift giver to make the final decision on what you give. It is possible that your careful shopping might result in less than optimal joy on the part of the gift receiver. Just because you spend loads of time shopping with care doesn't mean the kids will love the gift more.

So, if you are prepared to stand behind your choice even if the children aren't thrilled with their gift, then go for the carefully curated present. Alternatively, if you want to make sure they love the gift, give them the money. You could always include a small token or a thoughtful card with the cash. That might be a happy medium where everyone gets optimal joy out of the experience.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.