Dear Family Coach: Sometimes I keep little secrets about my sons from my partner, mainly because I know she wouldn't agree with my choices. For example, she thinks I give the kids too many sweets, so I forget to mention the ice cream after school. I always felt this was harmless but now I'm not sure. Is it so wrong to occasionally omit information from your partner when it pertains to the children? — White Lying Mommy

Dear Lying Mommy: Well, let's turn the tables, shall we? You probably have a few ideas about how you would like the kids to be raised. What if your partner was routinely disregarding your wishes and doing so behind your back? Not so cool now, huh?

The problem with your lying is twofold. My guess is this innocent lying is a symptom of a larger parenting dispute. If it weren't, you probably wouldn't need to lie. But more to the point, where do you draw the line? An errant ice cream isn't such a big deal. The issue is that your children are learning that they can pit one parent against the other. What if little Johnny got a bad grade on his geometry test but begged you not to tell? He swore he would study like crazy. "Please!" he pleads. If he catches you in the right moment, you might agree to the secret. Red flags are everywhere, and this is where you are headed.

Now is a good time to talk to your partner about how you will handle situations that arise where you don't agree. Some issues can easily be compromised while others might be more difficult. But an open dialog is always a better solution than running around behind someone's back. Be a good role model and a true partner and fess up.

Dear Family Coach: My marriage has been essentially over for many years. My husband and I thought it would be best for the children if we stayed together until they graduated high school. However, it is getting unbearable to live together and pretend. I am starting to rethink my position, but I don't want to be selfish. What's the best decision for our children? — Ready for a Divorce

Dear Ready: While it is important to consider what is best for your children, your resolution to stay together is ill advised.

Children are fairly keen observers. Parents often think they are shielding their offspring from strife in the marriage, but the kids are almost always well aware. Children in these homes feel the tension and worry about their parents and family constantly. This can get downright stressful. Plus, staying together for the sake of the kids when life is, as you say, unbearable might provide children with poor relationship models. Unfortunately, this poor modeling can wreak havoc as the children age into their own adult relationships.

If you and your spouse are sure the marriage is over, I would recommend moving on. There are many ways to do the split amicably and in the best interests of the children. You might try working with a divorce mediator to help work through some of the details. A failed marriage where both parents continue to positively collaborate in raising the children is a far better solution than continuing to live as unhappy cohabitants.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.