Dear Family Coach: Sometimes I notice that my child acts like a know-it-all. She is constantly raising her hand in class and telling her friends the best way to do play a game or do any task. Her friends are getting annoyed, and I see how it causes her to struggle socially. How can I help her work better with her peers? — Know-It-All's Mom

Dear Mom: There are several reasons you may be raising a know-it-all. Your daughter might be highly intelligent and simply interested in sharing her knowledge. She might also have a fragile self-esteem. In other words, she acts like a know-it-all because she is afraid kids won't like her if she acts like herself. Lastly, your daughter might have difficulty reading social situations. She likely doesn't understand the effect her actions have on her peers. I bet she is struggling with one or more of these reasons.

Try to keep an eye on her in social situations so you can work with her to improve. Providing her with feedback about what you witnessed might be helpful if you are able to deliver the information in a nonthreatening way. If she notices her friends becoming distant or frustrated, that's a perfect time to jump in. Explain what you witnessed, and try to help her break down the situation and where it might have gone wrong. Roll-play the same situation several times to help her learn to act in a new way in the future.

It's possible your daughter will find it difficult to see the connection between her actions and her friends' reactions. It requires her to recognize her part, and that might feel too threatening for a child struggling with low self-esteem. Tread lightly and slowly.

Dear Family Coach: I live with a very defiant 4-year-old. He doesn't listen to anything I say and often does whatever he wants. Aside from my frustration, I worry that he will be so defiant that he will be in danger. How can I control this kid? — Out of Control

Dear Out of Control: You didn't mention any medical issue or diagnosis, so I'm going to assume your son is a healthy, typically developing boy. His defiance is likely a result of a willful temperament and learned behavior. You cannot change his temperament, but you can undo some of what he learned.

Think about the minimum behavior you need to see to keep your son safe. Focus your attention more on bigger issues, like staying close in a parking lot and not running off the playground without a grown-up. Set clear expectations for his behavior in those instances, and explain what the consequences will be if your son disregards those expectations. Then, make sure you follow through — 100 percent of the time — on those consequences. He needs to see that the outcome of his actions is unpleasant, and then he will reconsider those actions next time you head to the park or Target.

Also, try to be flexible whenever you can. Don't worry about him sitting still at the table or brushing his hair after a shower. That's small potatoes. Let him control as much of his life as you can. The more in control he feels, the less opportunity there is to be defiant. It isn't easy letting go. But most of the time, parents are holding on to meaningless control to the detriment of both themselves and their child.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.