Dear Family Coach: Neither of my kids (13- and 15-year-old boys) do any homework without prodding, and then they don't even bother to turn it in. It's like they have no ownership of their schoolwork. Please help me help them before they flunk out. — Concerned Dad

Dear Concerned: I'll give you my recommendation, but I can tell you right now you won't like it. Stop prodding them immediately. That means you must cease asking about homework completely. At their ages, it is their responsibility — and only their responsibility — to know the homework, complete it and then get it to the right person for grading. Your constant prodding isn't doing them any favors.

Once you stop nagging about homework, one of two outcomes is possible. The first is that they will pick up the slack on their own. Maybe they won't like the feeling of being unprepared or stuck in the lowest-level class. The second possible outcome is the one you are afraid of, that they will flunk out of school. While I do think parents should help prevent this occurrence, I don't think it should be by constant hand-holding. Eventually, your boys will leave the nest. It's better to let them have to deal with the consequences of their actions while still residing safely in your home. I guarantee summer school would be an eye-opening experience, one that will likely motivate them to follow through with their work the next year.

You didn't mention any diagnosis or disability, so I am going to assume that isn't an issue. You can still make sure the boys have the tools necessary to succeed when being hands off and not being their personal ever-present reminder. Get them planners (physical or digital) and teach them how to use them. Also make sure they are in the appropriate classes for their ability level. If their classes are too advanced or too easy, they may stop trying to engage with the material.

Dear Family Coach: My daughter is 16, and I recently found out she has obtained a fake identification card to make her a 21-year-old named Hilda. My initial reaction was anger, but then I remembered that I, too, had a fake ID at that age. And I used it all the time. So how horrible would it be for me to just play dumb here and let her use it? —Hilda's Dad

Dear Dad: My concern isn't that she has a fake ID. It is why she needs one and what she is doing with it. In this case, willful ignorance won't answer those questions. Is she just using it to sneak into the local casino because they have the best concerts? Or is she getting wasted by the 7-Eleven and then driving all over town intoxicated?

Drinking under the age of 21 is illegal and potentially dangerous. I'm not naive, though. I had a fake ID that made me a 21-year-old from Lewiston, Maine. I wouldn't condone drug and alcohol use, but I also think parents should be realistic. Talk to Hilda to find out what she is doing without punishing her or putting her on the defense.

I would also focus more on the harm-reduction model. That means it's unlikely that you will be able to stop a teen from drinking if she wants to drink, but you can prevent harm that may come from those actions. Have a strict no-driving policy, which means she can call you for a ride anytime with no questions asked. Tell her to drink in moderation, and explain what that might mean for her. Keep the conversation going until she does turn 21 so that she is supported in learning to drink responsibly.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.