Dear Family Coach: My 16-year-old daughter came home with a very visible tattoo. I didn't know she was getting it, and I didn't give her permission. I'm so disappointed because she is growing up to be a responsible and amazing young lady. I spoke to her about the impact of her decision and made an appointment to have it removed. Is it right to force her to take the tattoo off, or should I have her live with her decision? — Angry Dad

Dear Dad: You have every right to be angry. It is illegal in 38 states to tattoo a minor without parental permission. Without identification and a parent, the tattoo parlor acted illegally and irresponsibly by inking your daughter. I would check the laws in your state and take your daughter's case to criminal or civil court if there is a violation.

Dealing with your child is an entirely different matter. Many parents work diligently to protect their children from troublesome consequences to their actions. They contact the teacher to discuss and potentially change a bad grade earned for poor work. They often address the coach to shorten a penalty for an infraction of team rules. And they regularly intervene to remedy bad decisions like dying hair, ruining clothing or even vandalizing property. It's all done with the best of intentions. But every time parents rush in to fix a problem or alleviate a consequence, they prevent an important learning opportunity.

Your daughter is 16 and will be out of your house in a few short years. At that time, she will be old enough to make all sorts of choices with which you may not agree. She will have to live with the consequences. Regret is a powerful incentive to make better decisions in the future. Give her space to realize how her decision to get a tattoo may affect her future.

Furthermore, forcing her to remove the tattoo feels almost as inappropriate as the tattoo parlor allowing it. This is her body. And while she should never have gotten that tattoo, I don't believe she should be manhandled into removing it. If she loves that tattoo and you remove it, I assure you she will likely rebel further. If she decides she has regrets and wants it removed, then require her to work for the money to have that done. Again, don't rescue her. Allow her to feel the burden of her decision.

Dear Family Coach: I spent hours preparing my house to surprise my 13-year-old daughter and her friends for an upcoming dance. I decorated, set a special table, shopped for favorite foods and cooked all afternoon. When my daughter walked in, instead of thanking me, she made a remark that it looked babyish. I was hurt. But she did thank me for my efforts right before bed that night. Should I be grateful for the acknowledgement I did get, or should I let her know how much she hurt my feelings? — Busy Mom

Dear Busy: Your daughter did thank you for your planning and efforts. Keep that in mind. She might not have done it in the ideal way or in the time frame you imagined. But she did recognize your labors.

We can't control how a person feels about our gestures. It's possible that she didn't like the decorations or the food or even the party. She is entitled to her feelings. However, we can expect that people will respond to our efforts with kindness. In a moment when you are not still upset, tell her that you understand she might not have loved the choices you made but that you made them with love. Tell her she hurt you, and ask her to be more mindful of your feelings in the future.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.