Dear Family Coach: On a recent flight my 4-year-old son blew a gasket when he couldn't sit in the window seat. My family was only assigned to the middle and aisle. My wife asked the person seated at the window if she would switch with my son. At first the woman declined, and my son screamed that he would punch the lady. Eventually the poor woman relented and gave up her seat. When my son sat down my wife breathed a sigh of relief. I feel it was wrong to help my son get what he wanted in that situation. The wife disagreed. Whose side are you on? — Right Dad

Dear Right: You are right. But before you celebrate, let me explain why you are both a little right. While it might be difficult for your preschooler to understand that he cannot always get what he wants, it is, in fact, true. Unfortunately, your son hasn't learned this lesson, because my suspicion is that your wife (and probably you, too) give in to these tyrannical tantrums. This usually happens when parents try to cut off the embarrassing display. Kids realize this quickly and then use your humiliation against you.

On the airplane your son had you in a noose. He knew you would find a way to make it happen for him if he made a big enough scene. And as you note, the poor woman (who probably booked that window seat because she wanted it) found your son's behavior to be so unpleasant that she, too, gave in. Your son's behavior was reinforced as a powerful tool, and you can be sure that it will rear its ugly head again.

Now, you were right that your wife should not have asked the woman at the window to switch. If your son knew there was no possible way for him to get the window (no matter how awful his behavior) he would have eventually settled down and accepted the world does not revolve around his wants. However, your wife was right to have tried to resolve this issue for the sakes of everyone on the airplane. When sharing tight quarters parents need to do what they can to not inflict their children's behavior on innocent bystanders.

My recommendation is that you and your wife focus on implementing a strategy to say no more often — and mean it.

Dear Family Coach: My 3-year-old daughter loves her pacifier. She absolutely must have it at night to sleep. She will wake up crying if she can't find it. How can we break the habit? — Afraid-to-Ditch-the-Paci Parents

Dear Parents: The answer isn't fun, but it's the only way: You have to ditch the pacifier cold turkey. Yes, you could reduce the amount of time she uses it during the day, but it is impossible to do that at night. And there is also no way to know if losing the pacifier will disrupt her sleep. Some children ask for it for a couple of days following the removal but then they forget all about it. Other children have a very hard time sleeping without it. But as the child gets older it becomes increasingly harder to shed. Hence, it is best to do now.

Pick a date in the next few weeks to lose the paci, and let your daughter know that day is coming. She will probably throw a tantrum and be very upset. Be firm and this will pass. Then, when the ditching day arrives, put all of pacis in an envelope and send them to the pacifier fairy. Tell your daughter to expect something special in return. Take those pacifiers and throw them far, far away so you will not be tempted to replace them.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Quinn Dombrowski