Q: My nine-year-old daughter has very strong perfectionist tendencies — to the point of her not wanting to ever try anything new out of fear of not having the project or work turn out just right the first time. I am constantly reassuring her that I love her and that no one will think any less of her if she does not produce perfect work at all times. She puts so much pressure on herself to be perfect that it seems as though I can actually feel the stress churning within her. I don't know why she is this way, because even though my husband and I think of ourselves as overachievers, we are not perfectionists.

Her inability to cope with anything less than her own perfection is affecting her grades and her ability to function with other children her age, and it seems to be making her a very unhappy little girl. I don't know what else to try in order to help her with this. Could meeting with a therapist be the solution for her?

A: I'm sure that your daughter knows that you love her, so perhaps constant reassurance of that love is more than she needs, particularly at times when she overreacts to issues. Your reassurances may only encourage her overreactions. It would probably be better not to refer to her as a perfectionist within her hearing because it likely causes her to believe she can do nothing about her problem. Even too much discussion about her anxiety is likely to heighten it. Instead, I would suggest you focus on explaining to her about how children build their own self-confidence.

Help her to understand that she can build confidence gradually by attempting difficult tasks that may even feel impossible to her. Confidence also comes from learning from mistakes and improving skills that were formerly difficult. Accomplishing easy tasks perfectly does not deliver confidence because she realizes they've taken little effort. The more she avoids new activities or challenging tasks, the more likely she is to become anxious and lose confidence. No amount of assurance of your love can deliver her personal confidence.

In order for her to take the risk of trying something new, you and she should brainstorm about some tools that may be helpful to her. For example, if she is willing to try to join a sport, she could study the rules of the sport and practice at home first. You can help her to understand that she needn't be really good at the sport, but only good enough to help others on the team to score. You could point out that she might even like one or two of the other girls on the team and could invite them to her home to play. At least going to three or four practices would be a reasonable try at risk taking.

If you are urging her to try an academic challenge, explain how to break a difficult problem into small parts and learn one part at a time. She can also practice with you how to ask a teacher for help when she has tried unsuccessfully to work out her problem. You can even tell her about the research that says when young people learn to ask for help when they need it in younger grades, they are more likely to graduate from college, rather than drop out. I know that college is far away for her, but perhaps she will think that if even grown up college students sometimes need to ask for help, surely it's OK for a nine-year-old child not to know everything.

Most importantly, parents who sensitively overprotect anxious children may unintentionally rob them of their confidence and increase their anxiety. Helping her to take small steps forward and rewarding her with moderate praise words about bravery and strength will surely encourage her confidence.

There is always a biological underpinning to anxiety and shyness, but being born shy is not an excuse for staying fearful. 50 percent of shy and anxious children reverse their fearfulness, and your daughter can be among them.

If you don't find my tips helpful, I would definitely recommend that you see a psychologist about your daughter and allow the psychologist to help her to develop confidence.

For free newsletters or articles entitled How Are Your Children's Social Skills?, Extracurricular Activities, The Arts Are Important For Your Children, How Sports Can Help Your Children Achieve, and/or What's Wrong With Perfect?, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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