Q: I have a very strong-willed, bright third-grader. At school, she is perfect! At home, it is a different story. She takes simple tasks (e.g., bedtime, brushing her teeth, getting dressed) and turns them into huge power struggles. How do I minimize altercations, preventing her from dragging out arguments about simple things? Please help!

A: Your strong-willed daughter has no doubt arrived at her personality by a combination of genetics and environment. I often explain to parents that although too much love never harms children, too much power can cause some serious struggles. I recommend a developmental philosophy related to what I call "The 'V' of Love."

Small children, who are at the bottom of the "V," have little power and freedom, and few choices and responsibilities. As they develop, parents guide them, gradually increasing choices, freedom and power, matched with increased responsibility. Children's growth and development can feel and be much smoother with this kind of gradual empowerment.

At adolescence, since they can make more decisions, they may push against boundaries a bit more. But because parents have expanded their "V," teens feel reasonably trusted and assured.

It seems in-style among many parents today to give very young children too many choices, which counters their developmental wish to please their parents. They're not yet cognitively ready to establish so separate an identity, but since parents insist on their making choices, they get in the habit of making them. When parents and teachers change that habit and tell children what they must do, it feels to them that adults have no right to do that, so they argue.

Parents often find themselves losing their tempers and punishing their children. When parents take power away, battles increase and consequences ensue. Children feel relatively powerless, sad or angry, relative to the power they were given too early.

This same kind of over-empowerment can take place if parents aren't united and respectful of each other. (This also holds for grandparents.) If a child finds one adult easy and the other strict, he or she will learn to manipulate the easy one against the strict one, thus gaining more power than the adults. The problem of over-empowerment may be caused by differences in the parents. If they later unite and become too strict, the child becomes extremely rebellious.

In either case, the situation is easily resolved for a third-grader but with great difficulty for a teenager. Once power is given, it is difficult to take away, so negotiations are often necessary.

Listening to the children's perspectives and taking time to wisely consider before giving them a "yes" or "no" answer helps. Parents should be upbeat and positive with a "yes," but very definite and firm with a "no." They should give their children a few reasons for the "no," but once given, parents must be unyielding and decisive. If children continue to argue, parents can simply walk away or send them to their rooms for timeouts until they settle down. Although parents should be firm, they'll also need to be sure to moderately praise children for good things they're doing so they don't become sad and angry. I'm glad you asked the question now instead of waiting until your daughter's teen years.

For free newsletters about "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" or "Discipline for Little, Middle, and Big Kids," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter and a note with your topic request to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.