Q: I am writing to you to seek advice regarding my 12-year-old daughter who is presently in eighth grade. She is a very bright child and started kindergarten at age four. Although she was more than ready to start school academically, we quickly learned that she was not ready to be away from home for the length of a school day, and she did not socialize well with her classmates. Following kindergarten, we homeschooled her through fifth grade. She started sixth grade at our local public middle school, and soon found herself the target of many mean jokes and some bullying by other girls because she is quiet and has loner tendencies. She is an only child.

Our daughter needs to learn how to adapt to social situations, and although she begged us to return to homeschooling, we knew we would be doing her a disservice if we allowed her to do so. She is enrolled in mostly accelerated classes and performs very well. Her peers seem to respect her for high academic achievements, but she does not have any friends and prefers to spend weekends at home. She also suffers from anxiety issues. Looking back, we wonder if it was wrong of us to start her in kindergarten early. She is already very worried about high school. What can we do, as her parents, to help her find friendships and become a bit more extroverted?

A: There may have been many good reasons for homeschooling your daughter, but I believe you are correct now in insisting that she remain in a regular school environment. Her academic needs are apparently being met and her social needs are more likely to be met in school.

You should be very reassuring to your daughter about her high school years, because she will have many opportunities to join extra-curricular activities where she can share interests with peers. There may be math teams, sports, drama, music, art and many other clubs that could engage her interests. As she becomes involved in groups she is likely to make some friends with whom she shares common interests. Religious youth groups are often also helpful for teen socializing and meeting friends. School service organizations encourage teens to think about the needs of others and how they can make a positive difference in their communities.

There may be some middle school activities that she can join right now to help her get started in making friends. Check with the school about such possibilities and see if you can encourage your daughter to join at least one group where there will be other girls her age doing activities together. Also, consider a summer camp that is geared toward her interests. The advantage of a summer camp for only children is that it provides a first experience in sharing space and actually living with others.

There are also many books written for teens about developing social skills. Free Spirit Press and Great Potential Press are two publishers that specialize in such books. Sometimes teens that view themselves as intellectual will learn social skills best by reading about what they should do.

In hindsight, there is absolutely no reason to blame early entrance to school for your daughter's social problems. Perhaps what you did may have been exactly right for her at the time, but if you do feel you were mistaken earlier, at least you are on the right track now. In the real world of work and family, your daughter will have to learn to deal well with others. While there is absolutely no reason that she has to fit in with all of her peers, there is a good reason for her to be able to at least learn to have a few close friends.

For free newsletters or articles entitled How Are Your Children's Social Skills?, Helping Girls Build Optimism and Resilience - The I CAN Girl, and/or Extracurricular Activities, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.