Q. I have a 4-year-old daughter whom I have problems disciplining. She's well-behaved, but if I need to discipline her, she won't hear of it. I've tried timeouts and taking things away. I've tried holding her in timeouts and also putting her in her room, but she comes out. When I take something away, she chases me around the house, hitting and yelling at me. I've put her in her bedroom and held the door, but this can go on for a half-hour with her kicking and hitting the door the whole time.

Other times, she's very moody. If I ask how her day was, she says, "I don't want to tell you." My mom will say hi to her, and she just makes a noise as if she's really crabby and doesn't want to talk to anyone. If I give her a banana, she wants an apple. If I give her a red cup, she wants a yellow one. It's ridiculous.

I've made an appointment with a child psychologist and hope you can give me some advice.

A. Your daughter is very strong-willed, and age 4, like 2, is an assertive, developmental stage. For many children, timing them out on a chair or in their room is totally effective, but for children who won't stay, timeout becomes a game they attempt to win with their parents. Holding the child or holding the door is completely ineffective because children subconsciously sense they're battling and controlling their parents rather than the reverse. My special rules for timing out strong-willed children often totally reverse children's problems. This is an excerpt from my book "How To Parent So Children Will Learn" (Three Rivers Press, 1996, p. 4):

— One adult should tell the child briefly that the consequence for naughty behaviors will be to stay in his room for, depending on the age of the child, five to 10 minutes of quiet (as determined by a timer) with the door closed. The naughty behaviors should be specified. Don't select all, just the worst (for example, hitting, temper tantrums).

— If the child is likely to open the door when it's closed, lock the door from the outside (some parents loop the end of a rope around the doorknob of the child's room and loop the other end around the knob of an adjacent room). For very powerful children, some kind of lock is initially required. Never lock the door when an adult is not present.

— If your child is likely to throw or break things during a tantrum, remove any fragile or precious objects from the room.

— Every time the child misbehaves in the stated way, the child should be escorted to the room without the parent losing his/her temper and with only a sentence of explanation.

— If the child slams the door, loses his temper, bangs on walls, throws toys, screams, shouts, or talks, there should be absolutely no response from anyone. Expect the first few times to be terrible. Set the timer only when the child is quiet.

— After 10 minutes, open the door to permit the child to leave. There should be no further explanation, apology, warning, or discussion of love. Act as if nothing unusual has happened. Don't hug! Repeat as necessary.

— After one week, only a warning of the closed door should be necessary to prevent the undesirable behavior. Give only one warning. Always follow through.

I do think your plan to go to a psychologist is a good one. Although being strong-willed is partly a child's temperament, there are also parental behaviors that over-empower children. For free newsletters about over-empowerment, discipline or principles of parenting, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.