Q: My very capable son is very lazy when it comes to homework and in-class work because he feels that he can take the test and still get a decent grade. How do I make him realize that he needs to not be so lax? Is it normal for a gifted child to not work well in a group environment? My son wants to always be by himself versus being in a group project.

A: There are several important parenting messages for motivating children to learn. The most important one should come from both parents, and that is that you expect your son to work hard and make a full effort in school. I don't know how old your son is, but if he's an adolescent, it becomes even more important that he hears that message from his father, as well as his mother, because boys often look to male role models in those teen years. Here are some messages that backfire for parents: "You're so smart that you could get all A's if you just tried harder." "Do you realize how smart you are?" Also: "You're just a lazy guy." "You don't seem to care about your work." Strangely enough, the first two have the impact of putting pressure on a child, because the child believes that you think he should get all A's and that he should be able to do that easily. If the child puts full effort forth, he assumes he must not be as smart as you say he is, but if he skips the effort, he can take credit for his good tests without effort, and that makes him feel even smarter.

The two negative statements make him believe there's something wrong with him. If kids believe that you value their being hard workers and school is where they can prove themselves, they're likelier to make full effort.

There is also the possibility that the curriculum is too easy and repetitive for your son, seeing as he does well on his tests. Of course, that depends on what you mean by a decent grade. If he's only passing the tests and not doing well, then the lack of challenge is not the problem. To resolve this situation, you could have your son evaluated by either a school psychologist or a clinical psychologist. A psychologist would be able to tell you whether he needs further challenge or whether he has a disability or attention problems.

The issue related to your son's working in groups is somewhat the same. He may feel as if other group members do better than he and thus feel competitive with them and inadequate, or conversely, he may feel as if others are not doing their share or aren't so capable and thus he's doing most of the work. If you ask him about why he doesn't want to work in groups, you'll get a better insight into the problem. It's also possible he could benefit from learning some social skills to feel more comfortable within a group.

In summary, because I don't have a lot of details and can't do an evaluation by a letter anyway, wait and watch as this school year begins. Give him a fresh start and a "work hard" message, and if you continue to find a similar problem, get the psychological evaluation, which will give you further insight into his problems.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.