Q: My 20-year-old grandson lives in his parents' rental property, doesn't work and has been paying rent with his savings. He has been there about a year and is out of money. His father says he has to get a job so he can continue to pay rent. I'm not sure, but I think his dad made him move out to try to get him to actually do something instead of hibernate in his room all the time. It hasn't worked.

The problem is my grandson is so disturbed that he can't even sit at a dinner table with me for any length of time. He can't carry on a conversation; he never instigates it and answers in as short a sentence as possible, usually just one word. He has no friends and doesn't leave the house unless he absolutely has to. He agreed last week to have lunch with me, but because I know he hates public places, I asked him whether he wanted me to bring lunch in, and he said "yes." He was so nervous that he only ate a few bites and then left the table and stood in front of the sink. I asked him all kinds of questions, trying to find out what was bothering him. He refused to admit that anything was wrong! I told him I just want him to be happy. I quit mentioning his grades or getting a job a long time ago. He has had therapy before for social anxiety disorder and been on antidepressants, and it helped enough for him to get through a year of college, but now he refuses to take medication, saying it didn't help. He won't go for counseling. Both he and his elder brother are very intelligent but had difficult times in school. He has been socially awkward for as long as I can remember, but it has gotten to the point that I am really worried. Given his age, what should we do?

Thank you so much in advance for any recommendations.

A: You must feel helpless and sad about your grandson. His parents may feel equally bad. If the young man can't manage a job or community college, he seriously needs psychiatric help. If his parents can't convince him, a teacher or relative with whom he is very close might be successful in urging him to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist. If he continues to act in a way that suggests danger to himself or others, his parents could insist he be hospitalized for treatment, or they could call 911 and get help in being sure that he receives the treatment he deserves to fulfill his potential and live a reasonable life.

If you feel your conversation with your grandson went reasonably well, you might be the loving relative who urges him to find help. Be sure that his parents agree to your intervention so that your grandson senses the loving support of his family.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.