Q: How do I take back the power from an over-empowered child? My daughter is 11 years old and the oldest. Thank you!

A: It isn't unusual for oldest children to assume they know as much as adults while they're still children. First children are by birth order parents' first experiences and even feel like experiments in parenting. In the long run, first children actually do quite well and are more likely than other birth orders to be successful leaders. All of that is possible when opposition and wishes for control don't divert them from learning in school and developing reasonable people skills.

I assume that because you've referred to your daughter as over-empowered, your daughter is determined to not follow rules and guidelines given to her by the adults who care about her. The trick will be to inspire her without punishing her constantly. Frequent punishments will only encourage her opposition.

You won't be able to take back your daughter's power, but hopefully you can redirect it and can convince her of your own wisdom and leadership. In order to do that, you'll need to get all your ducks in a row, which means that you'll have to collect the home team of adults who supervise her and figure out how to support each other respectfully in the process of guiding your daughter. That means the strict adults will have to ease up a little and the easygoing adults will need to become firm, clear and respectful of the more firm ones.

If you're the mom, and you believe her father is very strict, you'll need to tell your daughter that dad expects her to work hard, because he knows how capable she is and because he believes in her. If you're the dad, and her mother is an organizer, you'll need to tell her that her wonderful mother is trying to help her by expecting her to work hard to fulfill her potential. The more likely the adults (including grandparents) are respectful of each other, the more likely your daughter will look to them as role models of success. I might also remind you that all of your daughter's hard work needs to be balanced with some humor and family fun. My article "The United Front" is available on my website for further guidance on how to "get on the same page" with the adults guiding your daughter.

It's equally important to be sure your daughter finds good extracurricular activities for her talents. Sports, Girl Scouts, drama, music, and art and religious youth organizations all have potential for redirecting your daughter's over-empowerment toward talent development, leadership and positive engagement. Actually, it will be helpful if she arrives home too tired from her activities to argue with you. Then you'll have many opportunities to praise her excellent accomplishments.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.