Q: What do you do as a parent when you are being sabotaged by the other parent and grandparents, but you know they mean well?

A: While it is true that most parents or grandparents that undercut and give an easier way out than other parents or grandparents believe they are doing what is best for children, it is disrespectful and almost always causes problems. There are very predictable and unpleasant patterns that take place when one adult has high expectations and the other overprotects the child. That holds true for grandparents as well. I describe these rituals as "ogre and dummy games" in Chapter 2 of my book, "How to Parent So Children Will Learn."

Allying with children against another parent gives children adult power before they have adult wisdom and experience. They learn to manipulate adults against each other, because they find they can get what they want that way. When faced with challenge, they've discovered an adult who allows them an easy way out. It almost always guarantees at least temporary underachievement and a very difficult adolescence.

The route to convincing grandparents or the other parent that united parenting is important is difficult. You can start by telling the other parenting figures how much you love them and how important they are in your children's lives. Then you can acknowledge that you don't always agree with them, but for the sake of the children, you are willing to compromise with them on setting expectations for the children in exchange for their compromising with you, so you can be supportive of each other. If that doesn't entice them, ask them to read my article, "United Front," which you can find on my website.

Children whose parents and grandparents are not united grow up in predictably serious patterns of underachievement and even worse. They don't learn boundaries, because one parent sets them and the other parent erases them. Children who don't accept boundaries and break laws are more likely to take part in risky behaviors like drugs and to become sexually promiscuous.

I remind easygoing dads who want to be their little girls' friends instead of parents that if they don't set boundaries now, they will surely want to set them when their daughters are in middle or high school. If the first boundaries come only at adolescence, their daughters will feel rejected and are likely to go from bed to bed in search of the love they earlier felt from their father and that they now feel is missing. That scenario usually catches the father's attention.

Getting parents and grandparents to be united and respectful of each other is one of the single most effective accomplishments I can create in my clinical setting to help children achieve and build confidence. By adolescence, changes have to be handled very carefully, but when children are younger, a positive improvement takes place almost immediately and permanently.

For free newsletters entitled "United Front," "The DOs and DONTs of Grandparenting" and/or "How to Parent So Children Will Learn," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.