Q: My 7-year-old son has always seemed like a typical little boy but has told me recently that sometimes he feels like a girl. I paused when he said this because I have noticed him developing mannerisms that to me appear more feminine than masculine. I asked him whether someone told him he looks or acts like a girl, and he said no.

He plays very well with other boys but can also spend hours alone building with Legos or drawing. He has not shown any particular interest in playing with girls or girlish toys.

He is a bright and sensitive child but not very athletic. He also does not do well with competitive sports. I think he senses a difference between him and some of his more rough-and-tumble male friends. I would like to reassure him that he is very much a normal young boy, but I also don't want him to feel confused or afraid to talk to me further about his concerns of sometimes feeling like a girl. What should I tell my son the next time he shares these concerns with me?

A: As you may know already, gay and transgender men often say that when they were very young, they already felt different, and what your son is feeling may or may not be the difference that will in the future lead him to a gay or transgender identity. It is far too soon for you to assume that he will not grow up to be a heterosexual man. I have worked with young boys who also shared that sometimes they felt like a girl, as well as girls who told me they would rather be boys and could not stand being around "girlie" girls who wasted time playing with dolls. Some of those children changed during puberty and identified with their apparent gender, and others did decide they are gay or transgender.

My advice to parents is to assure children that boys and girls vary in their interests and feelings. Boys who love art or dressing up don't have to assume that they are the only boys with these interests, nor should girls who enjoy sports assume they are more like boys. Encouraging children to expand their interests and not assume that any activity is for only one gender allows exploration and plenty of time to discover sexual identity.

Parents who assume a child is gay based on early interests may indeed shape a child's direction in life toward homosexuality, especially if there is a potential for bisexuality. Consider that the words children hear about themselves help to set the directions for their identity development. Parents who comment on their children's beauty frequently raise children who care much about their appearance, and parents who comment frequently on high intelligence convey to their children that value and expectation. I recall so clearly several parents who questioned me specifically about sons who were happier playing with girls than with boys and even about one boy who announced in early adolescence that he was gay. Those boys are all now living with young women. Their parents were accepting of their decisions and identities but didn't conclude or label it for them when they were younger.

It's important to realize that many children feel different from others and lonely because of this difference in one way or another. Sharing with your children that they are not alone in their feelings of being different helps them to understand that their inner feelings are not necessarily obvious to others. Although they may assume other children don't struggle with feeling different, it may only be that these children haven't shared their feelings. Assuring your son that he is not alone in his feelings, which could change as he grows, will be helpful. Also, do encourage some sports involvement, because playing on a recreational sports team of some kind is healthy for all children. It allows them to learn to deal with winning, losing, competition and collaboration, and most of all, it keeps them physically fit and healthy. For your son, who doesn't like aggressive sports, lifetime sports, such as tennis, golf and running, might be ideal. They can be enjoyed by any type of person.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.