Q: How do you talk to children who have anxiety issues without giving them the "anxious" label? Right now, my daughter uses the "shy" label, which I'm trying to help her see as something else ... maybe the "fear monster" that's keeping her from doing activities she wants to try or would be good at. I bought the book "From Worrier to Warrior: A Guide to Conquering Your Fears," but am somewhat nervous that she'll pick up other things to be anxious about. Right now she is doing well in school but isn't participating in some extracurricular activities I think she'd enjoy and excel in. I don't want to replace one label with another.

A: I do think that Daniel Peter's book, "From Worrier to Warrior," could be a helpful start for your daughter, but after a short time of playing the Warrior game, you could move from discussing your daughter's worries to relabeling her accomplishments. You can rename her shyness by noticing when she's friendly to people. You can reframe her worrying as deep thinking and becoming a brave girl. You can try some reasonably daring activities together. You might tell your daughter that Harvard University research found that about half of shy children turn their shyness around by grade school, thus placing her in the group that reverses their shyness.

Depending on her age, instead of asking her if she'd like to join an extracurricular activity, you could say, "I've signed you up for dance, because I think you'll like it." She'll be less likely to argue. Consider that she doesn't know what the lesson is like until she tries it. Anxious children's first response is typically "no," which only leads to fruitless arguments that cause them to dig their heels in and become more fearful. If she's too old for you to choose for her, you can still insist that she select one of several activities that are available, because they are good for her health.

Your daughter deserves to build self-confidence, and she can only accomplish this by attempting things that feel difficult and a little risky for her, and finding she can be successful at them. It will be important for you to help her set reasonable expectations for herself so she can count participation as success. If she enters competitions and expects to win, she's likely to be disappointed and fall backward toward avoiding activities again. Encouraging your daughter by telling her that she'll be very good at an activity is likely to backfire. She will hear that as your expectation of her to win. Instead, ask her to participate for the fun and experience of the activity. Explain that since she's new, she may start at the bottom of the skills, but with time, she could find herself improving her skills and that, too, can feel good and successful.

You might enjoy a new article on my website, www.sylviarimm.com, called "Helping Anxious Children Build Confidence." For free newsletters about "Teaching Healthy Competition," "Children With Fears and Fearful Children," "How Sports Can Help Your Children Achieve" and/or "The Arts Are Important for Your Children," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.