Q: What should I do if our child's grandparents don't support us as parents? They give my daughter all the choices she wants. We've tried talking to them, but they reply, "We're supposed to spoil her." Our parents don't respect us. Our daughter is 7 years old and argues with us a lot.

A: It's really important your parents and you are respectful of each other, so we need to think of a compromise plan that would allow them to "spoil their granddaughter a little," while also being respectful of your rules and guidelines. Your daughter's incessant arguing may come directly from watching your interactions with your own parents. If you disagree and argue, she may simply be copying your behavior. She, no doubt, has heard you asking your parents to support you and has also heard the disagreements between you. Even if she hasn't heard the arguing, even knowing her grandparents might agree with her would encourage her to argue with you.

You need to have a discussion with your parents about this issue when your daughter is not at home and can't overhear you. You can begin by explaining that you do understand the need for children to enjoy some special privileges with their grandparents, and you really want them to have a close, loving relationship with your daughter. On the other hand, you don't want your daughter to grow up feeling entitled or acting like a spoiled brat. Perhaps you can carve out some special privileges that happen with grandmom and grandpa — perhaps special trips, a little shopping, going to the movies together once a month or something else they suggest. It could be a special treat time, and you can cancel your usual rules and allow her grandparents to set their own rules for the occasions.

They, in turn, should commit to reminding their granddaughter that they expect her to be respectful of her parents and will be very disappointed if she isn't. Before you have this compromise discussion with your parents, I would suggest that you share with them my articles called "The United Front" from my website so they have better insight into why this is so important. I've included my Dos and Don'ts of Grandparenting in this column to help you share some of the positive experiences you would really appreciate your parents providing for your daughter.

THE DOS AND DON'TS OF GRANDPARENTING

DOS:

DO love your grandchildren as much as you'd like.

DO stay in close touch.

DO give special gifts for enriched learning.

DO work on projects with your grandchildren.

DO read to your grandchildren.

DO share stories about your own childhood.

DO play games with your grandchildren.

DO listen to your grandchildren.

DO say positive things about your grandchildren's parents.

DO give your grandchildren a very clear message about high educational expectations.

DON'TS:

DON'T spoil your grandchildren by giving them too many material possessions.

DON'T sabotage your grandchildren's parents by saying negative things about them.

DON'T do too much for your grandchildren.

DON'T impose your value system on your children's parenting styles.

DON'T tell a grandchild that he or she is your favorite.

DON'T talk to your grandchildren's parents about them in negative ways when the children might overhear it (referential speaking).

For free newsletters entitled, "Anti-Arguing Alliance," and/or "A United Front," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter and a note with your topic request to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.