Q: My 4-year-old daughter just lost complete control to the point that she was hitting and kicking me, and pulling at my hair. It started after she hit her friend at the park, and I told her to keep her hands to herself. She began to kick me, at which point I used your "10-minute timeout" promise for when we arrived home. Then we promptly left. The tantrum lasted all the way home and into her room, which is where she is now one hour later. This, of course, is not the first time. I'm very frustrated. I try to practice the timeouts you suggest in your book "How to Parent So Children Will Learn," but it doesn't seem to be threatening enough. She can, and has been, crying and screaming for over an hour, so the 10 minutes of quiet never begins. Basically, I don't think that she's afraid of me, and I see her 20-month-old sister mimicking her behavior already. I need to get control back before our next child is born.

A: Your daughter is in a battle with you and seems to be challenging you for power. It isn't fear she needs to learn but respect. During a quiet time, when she has not been naughty, have a conversation with her about timeout. Explain that when she's naughty, and you send her to timeout, it will help her if she tries calming herself by lying on the bed and closing her eyes, or she can look at her favorite picture book. If she feels angry, she can punch her pillow. She can quietly think about what she did wrong and how she can do better next time. Remind her that timeout is something you use to help her be the good little girl you know she can be.

This conversation will help your daughter feel you're in alliance with her as a coach and not in battle as a judge. You should also consider that somehow your daughter has been overempowered. It may be because you've given her too many choices so she thinks she must always have a choice. Or it may be that you and her father are not united so that her dad somehow sides with her against you. A grandparent alliance against you, if the grandparent lives nearby, could also be causing the disrespect. Observing you being disrespectful to a grandparent could be viewed as permission in your daughter's eyes. Anytime one adult allies with a child against another adult, it leads the child to rebellious behavior. If the problem worsens, a few sessions with a child psychologist may give you some further insight into the cause of her empowerment.

It's also important for you to ally with your daughter to do positive activities together, so you can give her praise for doing good things. Developmentally, 4-year-olds would rather please their parents than get in trouble. If you can help her know she can do good things, you may find her becoming a much more positive child.

For a free newsletter about discipline for little, middle and big children, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.