Happy Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Buy Now Pay Later Sunday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, Insolvency Wednesday, Reckoning With Capitalism Thursday, Debt Consolidation Loan Friday, Moving Back In With Mom Saturday and back to Clean Slate Sunday!

The entire website is 80% off. All you have to do is provide your email address, ATM PIN, three phone numbers, scanned Social Security card (see "scanner" tab to buy scanner), thumb and forefinger prints, a strand of hair, a cheek swab and a juicy anecdote, preferably something awkward you said at the housewarming party of a work acquaintance. Do not leave out any details of the borderline joke that regularly haunts you like a sleep paralysis demon.

Now, please have a look around uninterrupted by...

POP UP: CLAIM THIS CODE NOW

Sorry, enjoy shopping our...

POP UP: DON'T MISS THIS CHANCE FOR US TO GIVE YOU MORE MONEY THAN YOU STARTED WITH

Browse our exciting sales! These discounts roll around only once a year minus the other 45 times we offer the same or better discounts without the collective pressure created by manufactured shopping holidays.

Sort by price low to high? Sure, if that's how you want to play it. Enjoy those novelty socks, boss.

POP UP: YOUR CART IS ONLY $400 AWAY FROM FREE EARRINGS

You know, you really should buy more stuff. When you buy more stuff, not only does it cancel out the tariffs and create jobs and fix the economy, but your sad little life feels less empty. When you buy more stuff, the impenetrable hole inside your soul, the one created by the invisible injuries of childhood and a host of loves lost, becomes filled with plasticky goods handcrafted in Bangladesh.

POP UP: HAVE YOU ENTERED OUR RAFFLE TO WIN A FREE SPORTS BRA COVERED IN THE MOLECULAR PATTERN FOR SEROTONIN?

Hey! You haven't explored our clearance section, which is full of Fourth of July and Halloween products plus promotional merchandise for the 2023 "Barbie" movie. Tsk, you haven't even stopped to consider how you could repurpose our $3.99 "I'm Just Ken" hoodies into a set of attractive dining chair covers in time for Valentine's Day, another shopping event that's right around the corner!

Just the socks, then? Fine. Proceed to cart. Use facial recognition to log in — you've created an account, right? Well, you could check out as a guest, but shipping will be $49.99. Follow these 64 steps to register for free shipping using our convenient partner app SHOPDEATH. But be fast, because the novelty socks will only remain in your cart for the next three... oh, sorry, yeah, they're gone.

TEXT: REPLY Y TO OPT IN, MSG AND DATA RATES MAY APPLY

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

Photo credit: Microsoft Edge at Unsplash