Hi,

Public records indicate you voted in the last 800 elections, but we have reason to believe you might not get to the polls this one very important time. Sometimes people come down with chickenpox or get a flat tire. Sometimes they look up from their phones at 7:02 p.m. on Election Day and declare, "Oh, THAT was today?" Be sure to make your voice heard this Nov. 3!

Text STOP to opt out.

STOP

Heyyyy.

Listen, I know you wanted to opt out, and I swear I'll let you go. It's just, could I trouble you for 15 cents to save democracy? Even 13 cents would be fine, but we would prefer 15. It's for a bookkeeping reason. Rush your 15 cents to this link, which is definitely trustworthy and fine to click. Enter all your bank account information. That's it. Go on, now.

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STOP

'Sup?

No, you goof, I'm not the previous messenger. You opted out! Plus, clearly I have a mustache and a trench coat while the other robotexter has neither. There are so many of us, though. I understand how you might be confused. What kind of unread text list you rockin' with? Hundreds? Hundred and ten? Nice. Now it's 111, queen.

Text STOP to opt out.

STOP

My opponent has a vestigial tail under his clothes. Many voters don't realize that. We are supportive of the vestigial tail community, but my opponent speaks with hostility against tails while hiding his own from public view. If that's not hypocrisy, what is?

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STOP

Hehehe, it's me!

Hundreds of thousands of voters in your county have already shown up to the polls! What are you waiting for? Did you know it's public information whether you vote or not? Did you know it wouldn't be my fault if, say, that information was shared widely on your homeowner's association Facebook group? And that guy you hate, what's his name? Brad? It wouldn't be my fault if Brad found out you didn't vote, thereby confirming your general apathy toward issues such as keeping your grass at the length specified in the covenants. No, baby, I'm not threatening you. I want you to use your voice!

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STOP

Spare just a dollar? No worries if not.

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STOP

I mean, if you want to elect Cthulhu, be my guest. It is still a free country for a few more nights. Good thing I have your number, though, for safety reasons. My organization will need to reach you in the Final Days before the Harvesting of Souls. You live at this house, right? The blue one? With the shutters? Love your bougainvillea. Don't worry about how I know that.

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STOP STOP STOP

Hey! Hey! Hey!

We were just in the neighborhood and noticed your trees could use trimming. We offer competitive pricing and...

OK, good, you got this far. Not gonna lie, it's me again. I know these messages are a pain in the rear, but let me level with you. You need to go vote. If you're on the fence, if you have a knot in the pit of your stomach keeping you out of the process, you need to reach down deep, be brave and untie it. Midterms historically draw fewer voters than presidential years, yet we are sitting on the precipice of unimaginable consequence. We're facing endless overseas wars, unsustainable prices and a sentient technological occupation with the potential to reshape every practical and existential facet of our lives. You don't have to like everything about candidates. You're not watching "Below Deck" and painting your toenails. You're voting for the person who you know, in that lizardy part of your brain that keeps you from putting your face on a hot stove, will be less likely to hand the car keys to the fool downing six shots of Cuervo. That's why I am texting you so much. Plus, I like you. I really do. Can I have 15 cents?

Text STOP to opt out.

No? All right, then. Let's do this.

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephrhayes on Instagram.

Photo credit: kuu akura at Unsplash