Dear Mark: President Obama held a press conference on Thursday and crowed about eight million people signing up for Obamacare. If those numbers are so great, why aren't Democrats running on Obamacare in November? — No Believer Here
Dear No Believer: Democrats aren't running on Obamacare because those numbers are phony, as we've previously discussed. At his press conference, Obama was like the rooster who thought he made the sun rise every time he crowed. Obama believes that if he tells the country enough times that the Obamacare debate is over and that Obamacare is working, his law actually might miraculously begin to work or at least buy Democrats some votes in November.
Dear Mark: Here in Texas, Republican gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott has chosen to associate himself with that gun-loving pervert Ted Nugent. Why should we vote for somebody who would align himself with such a rock loser? — Wendy Backer in Austin
Dear Backer: You are so right. We should vote for candidates based on whom they hang out with. If that's the case, all the "Wendy backers" should immediately call for the removal of Barack Obama because he hangs with that foul-mouthed misogynistic rapper Jay Z. Have you read any of his lyrics lately? The n-word, the f-word and the b-word seem to be his Shakespeare of choice.
Dear Mark: Just when I thought I couldn't get any madder at our government, I read that the IRS is trying to figure out a way to tax the perks employees receive at work. Has the IRS no shame? — Shoot Me Now
Dear Shoot: The federal government obviously has no shame, and during a recent cabinet meeting, it was rumored that Beelzebub is in awe of this new IRS strategy. For an administration that is constantly talking about good jobs for hardworking Americans, it sure wants to take the word "good" out of good jobs.
Dear Mark: The Lincoln, Neb., ISD is coming under fire for its suggestions for taking on bullies. Bullying is a serious problem, so why all the heat coming down on this school system for trying to help? — Cornhusker Carl
Dear Cornhusker: Have you read the suggestions? 1. Refuse to get mad. 2. Treat the bully as if they are trying to help you. 3. Do not be afraid. 4. Do not attack. 5. Do not tell on bullies. 6. Do not verbally defend yourself. 7. Don't be a sore loser. 8. Learn to laugh at yourself and not get hooked on putdowns.
Where did they get these ridiculous suggestions, from President Obama's foreign policy manual?
Dear Mark: It's been rumored that former Obamacare Chief Kathleen Sebelius might run for the U.S. Senate from her home state of Kansas. Why don't these people get out and stay out? — Tired in Missouri
Dear Tired: It's only a rumor, but, Ms. Sebelius, please, please, please run for the Senate. It would be a great way to "honor" your former boss.
Dear Mark: Why is the federal government using a couple of hundred men including snipers and dogs to go after a Nevada rancher over an unpaid grazing fee? — Cowboy Bob
Dear Cowboy: It's called government intimidation, but thankfully, rancher Cliven Bundy won this round. The bigger question is: Why doesn't Washington protect our borders with this same ferocity?
Dear Mark: It is a great day in America. Colorado is introducing pot vending machines. Finally, we're in the 21st century. — Doper Dave in Denver
Dear Dave: Let me get this straight. In other parts of the country, we are getting rid of candy and soda machines because they supposedly are bad for people, but pot machines are going to be good for people? What universe did I wake up in?
E-mail your questions to [email protected] To find out more about Mark Levy, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Follow Mark on Twitter @MarkPLevy