How to Enjoy a Mass Shooting

By Marc Dion

December 7, 2015 4 min read

There is no truth to the rumor that Donald Trump will fly to San Bernardino and mock the corpses of dead disabled people, although I'm sure he thinks they died funny.

So, right away, there's one thing you won't be getting out of this mass shooting.

But wait, as they say on television. You can still enjoy this or any other mass shooting as long as you're totally, insanely dedicated to either the liberal or the conservative point of view. It's a fun game, and it's easy to score.

When there's a mass shooting, ask yourself who did it and why.

If there's a mass shooting in New York and the perpetrators are jihadists named Abdul, Muhammad and Ali, and you're a conservative, you win because it proves that the biggest thing this country has to worry about is foreigners with bombs or guns.

If there's a mass shooting in Oregon and the shooter is a pasty white guy all hopped up on the Book of Revelations and Fox News, and you're a liberal, you win because it proves that nothing is more dangerous than right-wing redneck with a Bible and a gun.

If the guns used in either shooting were obtained illegally, everybody wins. Conservatives can say gun laws don't work and liberals can say guns should be banned. If the guns were obtained legally, conservatives can say "oops!" and liberals can say guns should be banned because even the legal ones kill people. Surprisingly, "oops" is worth as many points as anything else you can say.

Bombs are much more of a ref's call. If there's a bombing and a buncha people die, liberals can go directly to the candlelight vigil. Conservatives clearly win in this scenario because if a killer uses a homemade bomb, they can point out that fertilizer and pressure cookers are both "perfectly legal," which proves gun control won't keep Abu Bakr and the boys from killing people.

Any mass shooting stopped by an armed civilian is a sudden death win for Conservatives. Any mass shooting at a Planned Parenthood clinic is a win for liberals because not enough conservatives rejoice openly when an abortion mill gets shot to pieces.

Tip for the Conservative Team: After a shooting at a Planned Parenthood facility, have your cheerleaders take the field and chant, "THOSE SLUTS DESERVED IT!" This ain't a subtle game. That's why you also get points by bringing Hitler into any argument, something that works for both liberals and conservatives.

More generalized vocabulary gets you points, too. Conservatives should load their vocabulary with military words and phrases like "soft target," "full metal jacket" and "perimeter." Liberals can respond by changing the profile picture on their Facebook pages and demanding grief counseling for everyone.

There was another mass shooting in America. Did you win? If you didn't, don't worry. We're gonna play again tomorrow.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Dion's most recent book, "Marc Dion: Vol. I" is a collection of the author's best columns from 2014, and is available for Nook and Kindle.

Photo credit: Dean Hochman

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