How Not to Get COVID-19 at a Trump Rally

By Marc Dion

June 19, 2020 4 min read

All right. Don't touch me.

I don't want to get sick. The virus, ya know.

You? You got more guts than me. You're a patriot. A Proud Boy. If they still had White Citizens' Councils, you'd join one. You're a fine person.

And because you're a proud fine patriot boy, you're off to a possible big rally in Oklahoma, a rally for Pres. Donald Trump, the serial bankrupt currently leading our nation.

You will not live in fear. I understand. In fact, the really sad thing is I do understand.

Still, even if you intend to display your unmasked MAGA bravery out there among the oilfields and the frolicking beef cattle, there are some things you can do to lessen your chance of being infected.

Here are some tips for a safe and sanitary rally.

First, if you kiss, suck or lick any part of your huge black gun, do not allow anyone else to make out with your pistol until you've cleaned it thoroughly with either a sanitary wipe or a rag soaked in gasoline. Just because your AR-15 makes liberal's heads explode doesn't mean it can't carry germs. In fact, you might want to consider putting a condom on the end of the barrel.

Secondly, when passing a Nazi or Confederate flag to someone else, remember not to touch hands, and also remember to wipe down the flag pole with a sanitary wipe or any inferior brand of bourbon. Even though Nazis are fine people, they can carry the virus.

If you feel a need to slap someone's back during the rally, pick someone who lives on an isolated compound in the mountains with his seven underage wives and a pack of stringy-haired followers he calls "the anointed." This guy may have fleas, but he won't have the virus.

If you get in the line to, uh, meet Stormy Daniels, remember to stay six feet from the guy (and it doesn't have to be a guy) in front of you. After that, you're on your own. Also, don't get in this line with your wife. Just leave the poor woman in a folding chair with her Bible.

There are bound to be concession stands offering food and drink. Don't drink the covfefe unless it is served in a single-use cup by a worker wearing gloves. Same with the hamberders.

Of course, you won't be wearing a mask, but if you join in the "lock her up" chant, try to chant with your head tilted back, toward God. Do not chant directly into the face of the person next to you.

Don't forget that ANYONE can carry the virus. When it comes to COVID-19, NO lives matter. If you're standing next to a black man, don't assume he's noninfectious just because he's "your African American friend."

Remember that COVID-19 can sneak into your system like a communist sneaking onto the school committee. You know how that goes. The new school committee member seems fine, but the next thing you know, Randy Jr. is reading Oscar Wilde in English class, and pretty soon he wants to take another boy to the prom.

The important thing to remember is that COVID-19 is everywhere and that to escape it, you have to be completely paranoid and frightened every minute of every day. Fortunately, if you're at a Trump rally, then you've already had lots of practice being paranoid and frightened. You're going to be fine. In fact, you're going to be so fine, you're going to get tired of being fine. I promise.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Dion's latest book is an infectious collection of his best columns titled "Devil's Elbow: Dancing in the Ashes of America." It is available in paperback from, and for Nook, Kindle, GooglePlay and iBooks.

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