Opening Up a Can of America

By Marc Dion

January 13, 2020 4 min read

Well, we done it. We kicked Iranian butt. We butt-kicked 'em. Their butts were kicked. We put a boot in their butts. Their butts, they were kicked. We opened up a can of butt-kick. We came to eat lollipops and kick butt, and we were out of lollipops. We took names and kicked butts. Butt kick. Kick butt. Works the same way backward and forward. Offered a butt, by God, Americans will kick. No butt un-kicked. We are butt-kickers. Kickers of butts.

And it is who we are, we rowdy, butt-kicking Americans. We are not no cheese-eating French people. Offered cheese, we will kick the butt of the person who wants us to eat that cheese. We do not bow down to no Allah, and if you do, we will wait until you bow down and then kick you in the butt.

This country is nothing but boots in search of butts. Away with your clogs and your tasseled loafers and your flip-flops! You need boots to kick butt, boots like they wear in the military. Everybody in America should wear military boots at all times, in case a butt presents itself for kicking.

The military virtues are the only ones that matter, and we are all soldiers, all the time. Every single American should be in the military for his or her whole life. Only soldiers and cops matter because they wear boots and they have guns, and, by God, they kick butt.

When commies disrespect the American flag, we should kick their butts. When people vote for a black man, or a white woman, or a socialist Jew, they should get their butts kicked. We should kick the butt of every 18-year-old girl who gets an abortion. Maybe if her parents had kicked her butt more when she was growing up, she wouldn't be such a slut. Gay people need their butts kicked for trying to shove their gay agenda down our throats. A good butt-kickin' never hurt anyone, unless it's a butt-kickin' with a missile. That'll kill ya.

"My country 'tis of thee/

"Land of butt-kickery/

"We'll kick your butt."

The whole country smells of boots and butts.

It's a teenage boy's America, easily understandable, and in love with the sweet smack of boot meeting butt. There are, by the way, whole movies devoted to boot meeting butt, and they are not the kind of movies you want to show just before the big pro-Trump prayer warriors rally. In fact, the perverts who make those movies about butts being kicked ought to have their butts kicked.

"God bless America/

"Land that kicks butt/

"Just bend over/

"We'll come over/

"And kick butt with the light from above."

None of it is complex. By God, not any of it is complex. Subtlety is weak, and may be Communist, and Communists need to have their butts kicked. With a boot. With a military, spit-shined cop boot.

Having re-found boots and butts, we have reclaimed our national destiny of swift and blinding violence against our enemies, foreign, domestic and imaginary.

"And the boot-spangled banner/

"In triumph shall wave/

"O'er the land of the butts/

"And the boots of the brave."

Play ball! Kick butt!

Kick compassion's butt. Kick thought's butt. Kick diversity's butt. Kick the Constitution's butt. Kick poetry's butt, and literature's butt and architecture's butt

Kicks and kicks and kicks and kicks.

By God, that's America.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Dion's latest book, a butt-kickin' collection of his best butt-kickin' columns, is called, "The Land of Trumpin'." It is available in paperback from and for Nook, Kindle, iBooks and GooglePlay.

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