In her new book, Everyday Vitality, psychiatrist Samantha Boardman recalls a patient early in her career who walked in one day and announced:

"I hate coming to our weekly sessions. All we do is talk about the bad stuff in my life ... Even if I'm having a good day, coming here makes me think about all the negative things." And with that, the patient quit.

Boardman was so shocked she started wondering if maybe the patient had a point. Why DOES psychology dwell so much on the past? Why DOES it allow — encourage — patients to ruminate on worries and regrets? Why doesn't it push patients to go out and do something new that connects them to people, or a purpose, since we know that feeling needed and competent makes people feel better?

Gradually, Boardman began to suspect that the whole psychological model might have it backwards: Rather than trying to help patients to change their thoughts as the key to changing their lives, vice versa could be the way to go.

That's pretty radical. But when Boardman and I chatted, she said she was ready to "kind of debunk some of these ideas that are so engrained in the way we think about mental health — the idea that 'It's all in your head' and 'Drill down to the core and then the skies will part.' All of that is a deeply flawed way to think. Happiness doesn't come from WITHIN it comes from WITH."

By "with" she means engaging with people, activities, interests, obligations, even nature. Think about how much better you usually feel after taking a walk or having coffee with a friend.

Which doesn't mean traditional therapy is pointless. I'm a New Yorker, so you KNOW I've had my fair share of sessions with a shrink. (More than my fair share. To repeat: I'm a New Yorker.) Talk therapy is not a license to stew or stagnate. But when dumbed down to, "Look for your broken parts and ONLY your broken parts" it can be counterproductive.

And yet, we are a culture that tends to tell people that once damaged, they're damaged forever. This grim perspective is trickling down even to kids, whose lives were obviously thrown for a loop by Covid. "But in the past, families dealt with polio and iron lungs and wars," says Boardman. "The idea that this era is uniquely traumatic -"

Is belied by the whole of human history — and that includes 9/11. Boardman worked with a man who'd been in the first tower. When the elevator door opened, a fireball engulfed him, burning over 90% of his body.

About five years later, the hospital invited the man back to speak to the psychiatry department. "He gave this wonderful grand rounds about learning to navigate a life with that kind of loss," says Boardman.

We hear a lot about post-traumatic stress. But there is also post-traumatic growth. It's possible that psychology focused so much on the former that it downplays the latter. And yet, Boardman says, there's even research that when you're constantly asking somebody, "Are you okay?" it's likely to make them feel less okay. "I don't want to dismiss the reality where people are suffering, but we're living in a world where the narrative is you should feel helpless and hopeless in the face of any challenge."

But there IS hope when, despite despair, fear or inertia, we (perhaps with the help of a therapist) commit to doing something WITH the world. Instead of waiting for our psyches to change our lives, we must change our lives and trust the psyche will come with it.

Lenore Skenazy is president of Let Grow, a contributing writer at Reason.com,and author of "Has the World Gone Skenazy?" To learn more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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