Note to Grads: Fill in the parentheses and you can skip the big speech. It's all here!

Greetings, students, parents, deans, professors and especially our esteemed mascot (name of fish), who so aptly represents our student body — and with whom I have a date later tonight. I just hope that's not a costume!

It is an honor to (verb) before you. It would be an honor to stand, but I banged my (body part) on the way up the steps and am forced to lie down. Luckily, the dean of (capitalized plural noun) studies had a carpet scrap with her, though now my chin is itchy.

As I look out on your (adjective) faces, I am reminded of a time just (gargantuan number) years ago, when I, too, was graduating college with my degree in (name of forgotten group, era or object) studies. It was a nontraditional major, and for my senior project, I was required to live in (town or country) disguised as a (species of mushroom) in order to do my fieldwork.

Unfortunately, this led to a virulent case of (disease), which is normally cured by drinking three gallons of (alcoholic beverage) daily. I say unfortunately because it was a six-month course of treatment, and I cannot remember anything that happened the rest of senior year, including how I ended up back at college with (silent movie star) tattooed on my chest and a human (organ of the body) in my trunk.

I sort of remember graduating, but I have no photos of myself in a cap and gown, so who knows? I do have a photo of myself in a (name of Congress member) costume. But did I wear that to graduation? And where were my parents? Unless — were they the couple in the background wearing ski masks?

No matter. As you will learn soon, youth is but a day, and age is but a number. (Number), to be exact. Don't tell! Moreover, if at first you don't (verb), try, try again — just at something else, easier. And as my dear (family relation) oft said to me, "A stranger is just a friend you haven't met ... who may kill you."

With those (adjective) words in mind, it is time for you to start out on that long journey we call (noun). Or do we call it (word that rhymes with previous noun)? Wow, is it hot. I'd say I have to go lie down, but I think I am already. Or else the air is shaggy and really close to the ground. And there's a penny in it.

I was invited here today — I think — as a reminder of the greatness to which you young people can (verb). Once, I, too, was a young person. Those were the days! And just like you, I was eager as a (name of animal) to make my mark.

I did, and part of it is still there. The rest is covered by a (noun) I got at (name of big box store).

Now it is time for you, too, to go forth and tell the world, "World, I'm (adjective). Here's my number. Text me."

And if the world is anything like your beauteous deep-sea mascot, the world will come to your hotel room and not leave for 24 blissful hours, at which point you will have graduated, or been asked to leave by the management and the couple in the room below, soaking wet.

And perhaps someday, you will lie before the world as I lie before you today. Or yesterday. Or last (name of holiday).

Class of (two-digit number), I salute you! Or I would. But every time I try, I hit my hand on the carpet. Why is that?

Lenore Skenazy is president of Let Grow, a contributing writer at Reason.com, and author of "Has the World Gone Skenazy?" To learn more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Joshua Hoehne at Unsplash