The new year approaches, and I've been pondering resolutions. Here's where I am so far:

1. Drink more water. This is the most hydrated generation of all time. Everyone carries gallons of water with them 24 hours a day, everywhere — to church, the grocery store, to funerals. If I forget to put my kindergartner's water bottle in his backpack, the first thing he does when he walks out of school at the end of the day is hug me, then whisper into my ear that I forgot his water bottle. People lug around plastic water barrels with motivational statements on them like "you can do it" and "almost there!" If the human body required so much water to function that we needed Tony Robbins egging us on to ingest it, we would have become extinct millennia ago.

2. Work out more. Yes, I know, I know. And I do cycle through times when I work out more, and other times when I work out less. Right now, I'm working out with a frequency that can be compared, roughly, to the appearances of Haley's comet. I need someone to motivate me, but I can't afford a personal trainer and I don't want to do one of those group fitness classes where women drag tractor tires behind them like they're in a glamorous chain gang.

3. Lose weight. Back to the classics with this old chestnut. But I live in the wintry Midwest, a place where we treat our seasonal affective disorder with pizza so heavy that if a Lou Malnati's deep-dish sausage pie hits you in the head, you're getting concussed. Yes, there's Ozempic, but not only would I feel like a heel keeping medication from the hands of diabetics, but I've also heard rumors that the fast weight loss makes your skin look like a deflated balloon. Apparently, if I'm losing my butt fat, it's taking my face with it.

4. Get more sleep. How, exactly, did I ever sleep until noon? Having young kids means spending your whole night trying to get someone else to sleep and then being unable to do it yourself. Naps used to be luxurious breaks from responsibilities. Now when I close my eyes, I see a Greek chorus reminding me of my to-do list. And if I put off doing laundry for more than 24 hours, the pile of clothes in the basement threatens to grow legs and walk away.

5. Read more books. If instead of wasting my life on social media, I read books, I'd be able to finish James Joyce's "Ulysses" before Valentine's Day. I mean, why am I even on Nextdoor? It's half people asking what all those sirens are for and the other half arguing about dog-leash laws. Being on Twitter these days is like walking around a convention of people who claim to have been kidnapped by aliens. And there's only so many Facebook memes a person can look at. But late-evening doomscrolling is as integral part of my day as a morning cup of coffee.

6. Drink less alcohol. Drinking alcohol has become an identity — whether you're a rose-all-day-er or a whiskey dad. There's apparently even a brand of fruit-infused vodka drinks called "Mom Water," which makes me both sad for moms and a little thirsty. But the older I get, the less alcohol agrees with me. There are the headaches, the restless sleep and the hangovers that last a fortnight. People suggest switching to marijuana gummies, but I think those are even more stressful than being sober.

7. Watch less TV. Come on. Let's be realistic here.

In short, it seems like my options for resolutions are slim and grim.

It's enough to make a girl wonder why there can't be a resolution where I give up shaving my legs until bathing-suit season.

To learn more about Georgia Garvey, visit GeorgiaGarvey.com.

Photo credit: Elisha Terada at Unsplash