Q: My brother, sister and I inherited an older apartment building in a Midwest downtown three years ago. It has tenants and a property manager handles the day-to-day and collects the rent, but we have never agreed on what to do with it long-term. None of us has real estate experience, but everyone has an opinion. The emotions are escalating, my brother is threatening a partition lawsuit and I fear it will break our family apart. What would you suggest?

A: Three years of silence on a shared asset almost always means the disagreement was never really about the building. It is about who gets heard, who gets to decide and whose worry counts most. The good news is that a peaceful resolution that satisfies all three of you is entirely possible, and it usually starts the same way: with facts everyone can trust, gathered together rather than separately.

Here is how I would approach it.

Get one shared picture of the building as it stands today. Ask your property manager to provide all three of you with the current rent roll, lease terms and a summary of the building's condition and maintenance history — the same report, at the same time — to each sibling. Then invite three independent real estate agents or appraisers experienced with income property to give each of you a written opinion of current value based on that data. Do not let any one sibling manage this process alone. All three of you should receive all reports and opinions together, so nobody is working from a different set of numbers.

Get an honest read on what it would take to fix up. If part of the disagreement is whether to sell now or invest in the building first, have a contractor experienced in older downtown structures walk it and give you a written estimate. This turns a vague argument into a specific number everyone can react to.

Write down what each of you actually wants, separately, in one page or less. Sell now. Hold and rent. Renovate and refinance. You may find more common ground than the arguments have suggested. Family disputes often have far less distance between positions than the tone of the conversation implies.

Bring in a mediator before anyone brings in a lawyer. With the facts assembled, propose mediation to your brother and sister as the next step, not litigation. A trained mediator has no stake in the outcome and is skilled at helping siblings hear each other again, something that gets harder to do alone the longer a dispute goes on. Mediation is almost always faster and far less costly than a courtroom and many mediators offer a free initial consultation. Courts themselves often require mediation before a case is even heard, which tells you something about how well it tends to work. The National Academy of Distinguished Neutrals lists all the vetted mediators around the country and is a reasonable place to start looking.

Share this opinion with your siblings. Have an attorney review whatever agreement the three of you reach, so it is properly documented. But the building your parents left you does not have to become the thing that divides you. Bring facts, then bring a mediator and give your family the chance to decide this together.

Richard Montgomery is a syndicated columnist, published author, retired real estate executive, serial entrepreneur and the founder of DearMonty.com and PropBox, Inc. He provides consumers with options to real estate issues. Follow him on Twitter (X) @montgomRM or DearMonty.com.

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