Dear Margo: I am writing because I have a problem (of course). I am engaged to a wonderful man who is thoughtful about many things, but does not think I have the right to know what he spends his money on. He has an addiction to eBay and collecting things.

He keeps saying that he's only buying to complete the collections so he can sell them for more. I can tell you that he's never sold anything in the last three years. He makes close to $100,000 a year but has little to show for it.

He does not charge me rent, but I pay for all the food for him, myself, my teenage daughter, his teenage daughter when she visits, and three dogs. I also help with various expenses such as Christmas shopping and buying his daughter's clothes.

I would like to pool our money and buy a bigger house, but he says we can't afford it. I am a secretary with a state agency, so I don't make a huge amount of money, but between us we should be able to afford a larger house.

He told me that he has two mortgages out on the house. He said he took out the second one to pay off bills, but he spent the money somewhere else. I asked what he spent it on, and he said, "None of your business."

Is this my business, and should I marry a man who has secrets? — Properly Inquisitive or Not?

Dear Prop: He has more than secrets, my dear. He has a shopping addiction and a bad attitude. I don't see how you can marry this man and expect harmony when he 1) is a compulsive buyer and 2) tells you joint finances are none of your business.

Family finances, to which you contribute, are definitely your business, and between his mind-set and his lack of money management skills, the future does not look rosy. I, frankly, don't think he can get a grip on both his obsession and his attitude, so perhaps you should consider calling the whole thing off. — Margo, predictively

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall

Dear Margo: My problem is not as dramatic as some, but it's important to me and, I'm sure, many other men. My wife and I are both 37 years old. When I met her, it was instant love, and through many years of ups and downs we seem able to work most things out.

Recently, she has been kind of down because when she looks in the mirror she thinks she seems old. (She does not.) Men look at her on a regular basis. As her husband, I want to make her feel better. I tell her every day how beautiful she is, but that doesn't seem to help.

This scares me a little because it reminds me of the way some of my male counterparts have acted before a midlife crisis. Do you have any suggestions on how I might alleviate her fears of getting older? — Tab

Dear Tab: You are certainly doing your part. Your wife's angst has to be ameliorated by a husband who tells her every day how beautiful she is. You should know that aging registers differently for different women.

Many are heavily invested in their looks, or simply unhappy to no longer be poulets printemps . Others realize this is just how life works and therefore don't give it too much thought. And, of course, there's the contingent that responds by getting lifted, nipped and tucked . . . something of a surgical mobius strip, because it never ends.

Unless your wife is in the movie business, on television or a model, nothing is riding on her looks, career-wise. If she, like Nora Ephron, feels bad about her neck, you might choose some well-recommended books to help her make peace with Father Time and Mother Nature.

I'm afraid the bottom line, for you, is that you cannot jolly her out of her funk. Her coming to terms with the situation is a do-it-yourself project. — Margo, individually

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.