Dear Margo: I was recently married to the man of my dreams, "James." Everything in our marriage is fantastic except for one thing: his mother.

My husband's relationship with her has never been good, and it has only gotten worse since we married. She whines and complains that she never gets to see her son, but when we do go visit, she spends the entire time complaining about how unfair life has been to her — and berating James.

She brags to everyone how successful and intelligent he is, then turns around and tells him he makes stupid decisions. The latest tirade was telling him how "foolish" he was for wanting to buy a home, when he could buy a double-wide trailer for less money. Her argument was, "If it was good enough for me, it's good enough for you."

She has insulted me more times than I can count, even telling me, "Your face must have that odd shape because you're a mixed breed." (I am Moroccan and Italian.) At our wedding, she referred to me as "What's her name." She also tells my husband about girls he went to school with, saying how pretty they are and that they're still single.

My husband has tried everything to get her to stop her taunts and insults, but it always ends in her screaming and crying and saying he doesn't appreciate all the sacrifices she made for him. — Battered in Brunswick

Dear Bat: Your luck . . . this woman is a prime example of why there are mother-in-law jokes. Although I happen to have a matchless m-i-l, if I had one like yours, I would be writing for advice, too.

It seems quite clear that any woman who refers to his son's wife's face in terms used to describe dogs, and insists you should buy a double wide because houses are "foolish," is seriously unhappy, probably jealous and maybe unbalanced. Chances are that no one would have been good enough for her James.

Make yourselves scarce. All she can do is holler — which is what she's doing now, anyway. — Margo, obliviously

Dear Margo: I am 25, and my husband is 36. He came into our marriage with an 11-year-old son from his first marriage. Because his ex-wife was an irresponsible mother, his son has lived with us for over a year. The problem is this: Some members of my husband's family are telling me that I am too involved with the son.

Because he is no blood relation to me, they think I should not have any say-so in matters concerning his upbringing. I truly love this boy and don't think I should treat him any differently than I do my daughter. My husband and I feel that he needs motherly love, and we're inclined to ignore his family's opinions.

My question to you is this: Is there some secret role of stepmothers that I need to abide by? — Caring Stepmother

Dear Care: I think you are doing it just right. The child obviously needs the kind of mothering you provide. The only "rule" of being a stepparent is not to badmouth the kid's biological mother, and sometimes that's what is hard!

I don't know what's wrong with your husband's family, but tune them out. I've never heard of someone being faulted for being kind and nurturing. Maybe these people liked your predecessor?

Anyway, you are doing your stepson an enormous kindness by making him a true member of your family, and that includes discipline. People who say you should have no say-so regarding this boy are just dim. — Margo, maternally

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.