Dear Margo: Am I brain-dead, or is this really a marriage?

I married the guy across the street who was 47 and never married before. (I was previously married for 17 years.) Anyway, this man waited until my kids were gone to bleep or get off the pot. Obviously, he was used to doing what he pleased.

After three years of dating (and a few hidden girlfriends resurfacing), he proposed when he realized I was moving on. He swore he was ready to settle down. We've been happily married for almost five years now, with the exception of his telling me that his job now requires extensive travel; he is gone half the year and only home on occasional weekends.

I know it's not to see other women, but he never mentioned when we got married that I was going to spend half my time alone. It is depressing, despite the fact that I have plenty of friends and a challenging job. I did not plan on getting married so I could come home to an empty house, month after month.

His family is thrilled for him because they see dollar signs every time he leaves town (because he gets overtime), which he then spends on his "toys" (translation: vintage cars). Should I sit back and wait another 10 years until we retire, or wake up and smell the coffee? — Brain-Dead?

Dear Brain: Maybe you should just toss a coin! You say you are "happily married," yet you resent his time away. Maybe a reduction in his business travel could be the deciding factor? In other words, put the ball in his court. It would be good, since you're convinced he's not behaving like Willy Loman, on the road, if you called on your inner resources to enjoy your time alone.

If you absolutely need more of his company, and it's not going to happen for 10 years, then maybe it's over and out. Only you can make this call. Good luck. — Margo, assessingly

Dear Margo: I've been divorced for nine years and have a 10-year-old daughter. I am considering relocating to be closer to a sister who lives in a city with many opportunities for my child and myself.

This would mean moving away from my mother, who is controlling and negative. She would not like it, and she does not forgive. Also, my daughter is torn about this; she likes several things about the new location but hates changing schools and leaving a best friend.

We moved here four years ago to be close to family, but there have proven to be limited job opportunities and activities. My fear is that my daughter will decide to live with her deadbeat dad in yet another state if I uproot her at this point, or at least harbor resentment. She'll be entering fifth grade, and the public schools in the new area are tops in the country.

I don't want to be manipulated by my mother or my daughter, but I do want to consider them. Where do I draw the line, and how do you see relocation affecting a child? — Torn & Stressed

Dear Torn: Your reasons for wanting to move are constructive ones. To distance yourself from the mother you describe is better than staying out of fear that she might raise Cain if you left.

Regarding your daughter, I have never heard of a kid who was initially thrilled to leave her school and best friend. Within six months, though, 100 to 1 your daughter will be happily ensconced in her new surroundings. Do not allow yourself to make decisions based on fears of what your child might do later on, or to feel you have a 10-year-old boss.

By all means go, and if push comes to shove with your daughter asking how come you get to decide, just revert to that old tried-and-true answer: "Because I'm the mother." — Margo, assuredly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.